Published on 12, July, 2020
Hey there
Not sure what got me to actually come here and engage (added after completing the post: okay, maybe there is something, which I'll get to). Maybe the social pressures and anxieties that come with work's Christmas parties... off to one tonight! I enjoy socialising (or maybe more accurately, enjoy the company of others - I see actual "socialising" as the hard work necessary to make other people comfortable sticking around you in the first place), but it's not without its challenges.
I first suspected I was on the spectrum (if a mild case) roughly 10-12 years ago when I used to volunteer for a local support charity and they were training us on mental health issues. I've always struggled with shyness to the point of "it feels like a bit more than shyness". Never had a proper in-person relationship (had a few "online things") as holy moly that's hard mode. Anyway, Autism and Aspergers Syndrome came up in the training and what to look for, and I was listening to the list for Aspergers Syndrome like "whoa, that's me. That's me. Yep, that's me. Oh that one's totally me." and it seemed to explain a great deal about my childhood and life up to that point (I was fighting back tears in this meeting as I was like "holy heck, a way to understand myself and even people out there who might actually understand me" but never took it further)
I do think it's a mild case - my cousins are diagnosed (can't remember if there's a genetic predisposition) and from what I hear it affects them quite heavily but the biggest remaining symptom at this stage of my life is eye contact avoidance.
Don't know if I want a diagnosis or not. For one thing I've always been too scared to bring it up. But to me (just to stress "only me", I'd not expect the same of others in general; everyone's different and has different needs), I've always been scared that I'd end up using it as a crutch rather than making the effort to be "normal". I've managed with most things eventually - even faking eye contact for long enough to smash a job interview and land a job, and thankfully it being a job where I'm staring at a screen 99% of the time managed to get through probation and keep it. Given that I have a job, for the most part that ticks society's "normal" box or at least their "mostly harmless" box (I'm a non religious white male) and so it's tolerant enough of my existence :) So I'm not pushed into seeking diagnosis.
I took a few online "tests" back in the day and they seemed to suggest there is something mild and around my suspicion of Aspergers. But I'm never really sure how reliable random internet tests are.A site named 4chan would have me down as "an autist" right away, but they just enjoy using and abusing stereotypes...
People who are touched by autism do seem to pick up on me. Some don't say anything but just sort of make 'gestures of understanding' like when I went to a convention meetup recently the mother of an adult friend with autism latches on and tries to get us to engage etc. In another case a randomer in the pub (apparently the mother of a guy with autism) admittedly got a mouthful from me as she just immediately threw the label at me in ire at using technology in a social setting (I know it's not helping me to get better, but it's nice just 'being around' people, the feeling of civilisation, and sometimes I just want to relax) and I'm not massively appreciative of unsolicited first-impression diagnoses. Especially from someone I don't know, who's not "with me" (I think there's fairness in people who are actually "with you" to expect certain things like putting technology away) but just marched over because she was offended by me just existing in the corner minding my own business...
The main lingering things for me now are
1) Strong shyness / quietness and how my ability to churn out LOTS of words online goes through like a stage fright filter where it all completely disappears and translates to "..." in real life
2) Eye contact avoidance. The biggie. It seems like when I landed this job 10 years ago (about to the day) I was just starting to fight my way through it, at least well enough to keep up an illusion of reasonable eye contact for half an hour - an absolute must for any job interview as it seems people feel they can better assert dominance via certain types of eye contact and firm handshakes and whatnot. Oddly enough it's easier for me to maintain eye contact with people I don't know, I guess because it's always in my mind if they know me they'll notice increased eye contact and bring it up and I'll get embarrassed or whatever. I then let it slip and the cycle repeats until I meet someone new. But yeah most of the time I'm looking away and find it really difficult, like actually fighting to get two like-poled magnets to keep in contact. I don't have anything "to hide" per se (well.. I mean.. everyone has something.. but nothing that would get me into trouble), but that thing they say about the eyes being "windows to the soul" (it doesn't help that normal neurotypical? people say this as it suggests it's not just the suspected-Aspergers seeing it that way) rings very true and it feels really invasive; I don't like being expected to let people in there. Like, it would never be acceptable to expect someone to take off all their clothes and present themselves naked to someone, yet it sort of feels the same to me.
It's the second one, the eye contact, that I really want to try and address. Seems a tall order after all these years, but just maybe it's possible. It makes little sense to be great at 1) while still being unable to look anyone in the eye, and I know that it often makes one look shifty.
Actually thinking about what sparked me to come here, I think it was when I was goofing around with a video selfie and couldn't even look the camera in the 'eye' then played it back and was like "huh, so that's what it looks like to others" (kind of odd) and it's been semi on my mind since, particularly with a social event coming up.
So I thought nuts to it, I'm undiagnosed and uncertain of what I am, but if anyone can offer information and advice on improving eye contact it's going to be the people who 'suffer' in similar ways to me. Google wasn't really helpful - it only came up with things addressed at normies (is it ok to use that word? I crossed out 'normal' earlier in jest) like "how to avoid pressuring an autistic person into eye contact" rather than self-help for the autistic person. So here I am. Sorry if the intro section isn't really the place for all this detail but I wanted to unload and go from there.
If you read all this, thanks, you have the patience of a saint. I find it often helps with processing what's on my mind to just type out a textwall or two, even if no one reads it.
I would question whether a diagnosis will be much use to you. If you are holding down a job and are not being treated for a mental health issue then I don't see what would be gained. You may well have a personality type that is introverted and you may struggle with eye contact etc but these things are more or less some of the things that make you an individual. You may find it useful to understand yourself better by reading about aspergers and autism but everyone can benefit from being more thoughtful and sensibly self-aware.
I ended up with a diagnosis after clattering out of yet another job - being fired or walking out of jobs is fairly common experiences for autistic people who manage to get a job. Being unemployed/unemployable is also very common. I did find diagnosis and some guidance from the local mental health guys to be useful in pulling me back from the brink - I have worked out what jobs suit me and I have also worked on some behavioural problems that I was unaware of. I score about 40 on the test and know some guys who score below 30 who are like minded but not in need of diagnosis or anything like it. this forum is very good as you get some good advice and nobody distinguishes between people with or without diagnosis as it is always a bit arbitrary in any case.
I wanted to get a job working in a pub, I really liked the thought of it I was 18 at the time. I was no good at adding up. I’ve got dyslexia too and so numbers I get confused, so if the pint was £1.60 I would charge for 2 pints £280 and so on because I only wanted to give 20p change then I would not get confused. The boss was pleased at first said his takings gone up. Then within a month he said :”I’ve had complaints from my regular customers, saying your short changing them have you? I explained that I couldn’t add up well so I did the easiest thing for me to give them some money back. He said “your fired.