Hello (sensitive)

I hope no one minds me posting on this forum.

I am 26 years old and I've struggled my whole life with a lot of problems that look like some typical signs of autism (possibly asperges) I don't know, maybe I'm just looking for answers in the wrong place. I've considered the possibility for a while, but always told myself and others too told me that I didn't NEED a diagnosis. But it's only get worse for me to cope with, whatever this is.

A little of my story

I was born with a serious complications involving my heart. I didn't go to nursery properly, because I was in and out of hospital and had the more major open heart surgery at the age of 4. When I entered into primary school my social awkwardness was noted, it couldn't be ignored since I was selectievly mute. And when I did talk, was extremely quiet with it and was very awkward. This was initially put down to not enough socialisation, till they realised it wasn't getting better with time around the other kids, I just became more rigid (standing still, not moving or robotic like movements) and my selective mutism didn't get any better either. I got a lot of ear infections and it was then found that i had very severely perforated ear drums. So my awkwardness once again got explained away as being that I was having hearing problems. I think from then on, it was just assumed it was a combination of lack of earlier socialisaion and hearing problems and people just accepeted that I was just 'severely shy' (i'm not shy as such, as just... I only gravitate towards people sparingly). I had a lot of problems learning maths, and teachers often underesitmated my english skills, keeping me a little behind (Not good at spelling, but good at know what words mean, i write poetry and stories). Maths was very weak, still is. I'm easily taken advantage of, being short changed because I wouldn't notice if i was till someone else points it out to me.

I became ill in high school and also the burden of all the things that go in schools, the rush, crowds i think impacted me that I stressed myself out into a state of ill health. I was also often and still am, very severely depressed. I began self harming.

I'm now living in supported accomodation. I'm often tormenting myself over 'meltdowns' that I have at least once a week. FEeling extremely pathetic and weak. The slightest thing can impact the rest of my day, causing a meltodwn where my flat will essentially take the brunt of it, tables knocked over. It should be noted I've never turned violent towards anyone, i'm violent towards myself. I have had 'episodes' of head banging when in great distress. I somewhat manage to control my 'meltdowns' to the extent that I can mostly now manage to keep up  a facade of seeming to be okay, although I must rush away to let the pent up energy inside me come out on my own which manifests itself as these meltdowns. I've been mocked and told "I look retarded" when I sit because I like to rock, I've always tried to control it so I don't look as 'retarded' but it really comforts me to be able to do it.

In some aspects of life I'm very much like an old man, my support workers even joke about it. "the kids these days" I'll say, but then on the other side there is a side that is just too unable to cope with life and comes out almost child like. This makes an adult side of me, the side of me that dreams up images of a responsible man feel pathetic and an utter failure.

I tried to kill myself twice last year and I've contemplated it a few more times this year.

I hate myself. I hate how I react to certain people, I hate how unable at coping i am. In my adult years, my selective mutism is all but gone. But I will not shout across a room to someone if they call my name, and I can't abide anyone walking behind me.

I feel I mght have fallen through the cracks back in the 90's (i'm told even then they didn't know as much as they do now about autism) due to other problems masking the real issue.

I dont know. I can't say depression was something I developed in my teens, I most certainly felt depressed as a child too. But I can't help but thing that some of that was due to social isolation because of not being able to deal with kids my own age very well. I managed to make friends once or twice but they never lasted long, I either got too 'intense' or they distanced themselves for other reasons, like my costant making excuses to not eat at their house, but wanting them to eat at my house. I don't like eating at other peoples houses. Little things like that. I don't know if all this is just depression and i'm looking for deeper reasons, or if i'm actually on to something considering I might have some form of autism.