Lonely and in need of some support

hi Sierra

I think your son has done well to finish his college course, and that must have been with a lot of support and help from you to keep him going, and it can't have been easy. My daughter is still at school for another year and finds it hard going, but I hope she will eventually be able to go to college.  

Take all the support that is offered to you from the team, and hopefully something will help.  

I am waiting now to see if my daughter gets a diagnosis, but even then she will have to learn to take responsibility for herself, and push herself to go out, and it's already hard to get her to do that, and she has sensitivity issues that make matters worse.

She is very happy at home on her own, and would stay in all the time, but that's not going to help for her in the future.  

Several years ago when I was worried because she wouldn't go out, people used to tell me I was lucky because I knew where she was and she wasn't the sort to be going out at all hours causing trouble.  And Parenting courses I have been on have said things like ''to ground your child and make then stay in if they are naughty''.. but that would be no punishment at all but the best reward ever for her.  Those people just didn't understand what it was like.

Like you I worry about what the future holds, will there be a job, or even able to live independently.

Try not to worry, remind yourself he has got through college and that's a great achievement not only for him, but for you too, helping him to do that.  

You haven't let him down as you are also trying to find help and support for him, and even coming onto this site should give some help too.

I don't have anyone to go and have a cuppa with either, but I am here if you want to keep in touch, and there are others on the site who will support you too.

Here's hoping for a good week.   x

Thank you for your response JennyRobin. My son is 19 next month and has recently received a diagnosis of Aspergers. He finishes his college course this week and now the battle of getting some form of diagnosis and getting him regular sessions with a psychologist is over, we now face the next hurdle of what to do next. His social skills are so bad I cant imagine him finding a job very easily. There is very little help and advise out there. He is due to see the Autism Spectrum conditions team next month who hopefully will help support and guide him into his next stage of life, because if i'm honest I feel hopeless as to know what to do for him, how to help him or who to turn to. I cant let him live his life in his room and theres also the financial side of things. I hoped and thought a diagnosis would relieve some of the stress, but that is yet to come. 

I am sorry to hear that your situation is tough too. I no its not easy and I wish I had someone close that I could pop round for a cup of tea and a natter who understood and empathised with me. I know I have it easy compared with some, but we all want whats best for our kids and I cant feel that so far in life I've let my son down. 

Best wishes, keep on battling  x 

My daughter is 16 and has terrible social anxiety.  She is very happy with her own company and the television or her tablet.  I have tried all kinds of things to get her to go out, but even saying I will  buy her something won't persuade her, and she gets really angry if I try to make her go out.  

If I do manage to get her to go out at all, because it's essential such when I take her to the dentist or optician, then she is really irritable and gets stressed out by it. She does go to school most days reluctantly but that is all.  She refuses to go to any social events.

There comes a point when I don't think you can make them go out if they don't want to, only try to reason with them that it is for their benefit.  But I don't know how to make my daughter realise that she needs to go out sometimes or she will find life difficult in the future.  It sounds like you have the same kind of problem, and it's hard to make other people understand what it's like.

My daughter is seeing a camhs practitioner, who is also testing to see if she is on the Autistic Spectrum, possibly Aspergers, as she has a number of other issues as well.  The practitioner said this site might help with support.

Sierra, It sounds like some people have said some awful things to you about your situation, but try not to let them upset you.  

I have had people say to me to 'take a hard line' or 'force her out' but they have no idea how difficult that is.

I am struggling alone with all this as well, and have to try and stay positive, which isn't easy, and tell myself that tomorrow will be a new day to try again.

My heart goes out to you SC, my honest opinion is as his mother you know what's right where your son is concerned panic attacks are not pleasant and no one can force anyone to do anything only encourage, he is irrespective of whatever he has also a young adult entitled to make decisions for himself. 

My son is only 5 so I may have this to come but was seemingly vety anti social myself in my late teens to mud 20s I still find group meetings exhausting as I worry about leaving people out not talking to everyone etc and much prefer one to one. You need support from professionals but also to know as far as friends and family are concerned they are entitled to their opinion but remind them it is NOT them who live with your son. I think encouraging them to get involved in a positive way by emailing and texting your son is brilliant advice as long as they are reminded to keep it to chat and not to nag or pressurise. Your son might feel more comfortable socialising in a structured format for me it was martial arts class. 6 mths attending several classes a week I never spoke to anyone, then I was encouraged to stay for a cup of tea and slowly I learned to socialuse better.

I don't think YOU are wrong at all I think those around expecting you to wave a magic wand are! 

I think SC's gut instinct is right here and I agree with all HC has to say. The trouble is that he has to persuade his partner and everyone else that their gut instinct is wrong. Gut instinct, on its own, won't prevail. :-( There is lots of stuff on the  website here that is worth reading and there are books that you can read to get insights.

Assuming he has Aspergers then he is likely to be better in one to one situations rather than groups. Groups can be overwhelming due to the excessive amount of sound and speech and visual stuff that goes on there. If you can talk to him in quiet calm situations then he might find this easier to manage.

Hi SC

I think you need to ask yourself what do you want to do.  Everyone will have their opinion, take these on board but do what you feel is right.  

When your son is in his room what is he doing?  is he playing computer games?  if this is the case it has been shown that playing interactive games requires a lot of social skill, just in a distant way.  Where in the past it was considered insular, it is now recognised as an activity that requires organisational skills, strategizing, being a team player etc.

It is possible that he is picking up on the disappointment he sees in you and your partner that he is not socialising as much as you think he should be.  This could also be driving him further into his bedroom.  He probably feels safe their and can relax and recharge.  It might be worth having the conversation with him and express, your concerns and see if he understand these and what his fears are.  Once you know why he is reluctant to go out you have a starring point.

Another thought is to get his relatives to txt or email him.  It may open doors to meeting up in person.

Talk to him, don't threaten, don't force. He needs to discover that he can cope with dealing with people and that he can learn how to do this.

he will be ok when he can get under the care of autism specialists and psychiatrist. They will really be able to talk to him with understanding that you and your partner won't have yet.

softly softly is definitely the approach to take.

Thank u for your reply. In your opinion am I doing the wrong thing?? Should I be trying to bring him out of his room or do I follow his lead??  I just dont know what I am supposed to do for the best?? 

Sorry to hear your story. His behaviour is not uncommon for HFA which is same as Asperger's. SAD and hermit like behaviour is discussed on this forum quite frequently.

There are no quick fixes but he can be drawn out of this in time.