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Hi I am Joy and I need a bit of advice

Joyful

Is this the right place to ask my question? I am recently diagnosed with something that needed serious surgery and my partner who i think is autistic but undiagnosed has been very difficult - not supporting me emotionally in the lead up, he was amazing them as I was very sad and upset a lot of th ebut as soon as I went into hospital and since I’ve come home.

Now I’m recovering and need his empathy and his literal round the clock care, which he was eventually able to help me with when we agreed I should just write him a list of what I needed him to do.

We keep arguing because I am in pain and I have been less than patient sometimes, but he is giving me no leeway whatsoever so now have the worst fights we have ever had in our years together. I have a theory and I know I play a part in the responsibility too. But I need someone to talk to who might be able to give me more perspectives. 

I have now left to stay with my father because I am not sure I can do this anymore without either me completely crumbling whilst I contribute to the demise of what’s left of our relationship. This is just a summary of the last few days. 

I think he is autistic and he doesn’t want to investigate any diagnosis. Again, I’m sure that’s the way I handled it as I can be very direct. Obviously this is a big change and a high stress situation so i can understand he’s upset with me and wants to talk about my behaviour. that’s logical to him. But the rules don’t apply the same and I am finding it very difficult on top of the other things that have recently happened to also carry him through this too. I’m sorry, I’m just exhausted now. I need help. 

Parents

  • Welcome to the forum.

    You are certainly free to ask what you like.  I can't promise any responses are going to be helpful - it all depends on whether any of us has relevant experience - sometimes anecdotal - that we can share to perhaps assist.  

    The simple fact is that there is no way to compel an adult into getting an Autism diagnosis, no matter how much evidence and belief you have. Indeed, by the sounds of it, it may well be counter-productive in your situation to tell him that he should go down that path if he is so vehemently against investigating the possibility.

    You may be right.  But there it has to end. I suggest you try and find some quiet time to sit down and discuss your after-care, and if he is able & willing to contribute to it.  Perhaps this time apart will allow some re-focusing.

    Recovering from your surgery has to be the priority.  Attending to your relationship and discussing how you'll address issues within it can come later - even if that means with the intervention of a third party, potentially.

    I wish you well.

  • in reply to overwhelmed & underwhelmed ( O & U )

    Thank you so much for your reply. 

    We are in a very tricky situation. This has been ongoing for 17 years now and we split up, reconciled and as of next week supposed to buy a house together. I will take on the lionshare of that mortgage. I’m not sure I can commit to that - I need a couples counselled so any ideas where to search would help. Time is critical. supposed to close very soon. It’s a nightmare. 

    I really really appreciate your reply. I don’t think I’ve ever been so stressed at what’s supposed to be the most peaceful time I have right now. 

  • in reply to Joyful

    I am unsuitable to be advising anyone about their relationship, but if I were in your situation, I would be concerned about purchasing a house.

    The only marriage counselling organisation I know of is Relate. 

    https://www.relate.org.uk

    My ex husband and I went to ‘Relate’ years ago. Initially I attended on my own, then my husband reluctantly agreed to accompany me, making it clear he was doing me a great favour. Relate was invaluable in helping us to listen and understand the other’s perspective. I didn’t know I was autistic back then, yet the counsellor made it easy for me to decipher what my husband was actually meaning through encouraging him to be explicit (although it turned out he didn’t mean it — the councillor was brilliant in challenging his claims). It didn’t save our marriage, but the counsellor recognised that divorce was the best outcome for us and supported us in the decision. My husband refused to return to Relate, but I continued for a few more sessions. It is largely down to the Relate counsellor’s skill, experience and understanding, that I got through the whole traumatic process.

    I like living on my own with my dog, although sometimes it would be nice to have someone to talk to if there was a problem or issue. 

    If you are intending to sign a contract, or pay the balance final cost on the house next week, I would think you might need professional legal advice regarding your financial legal obligations, should you choose not to continue with the purchase. Perhaps consider contacting your solicitor or Citizen’s Advice. 

  • in reply to ArchaeC

    Thank you. 

  • in reply to Joyful

    I don't know where you are located but I do suggest you visit the MacMillan cancer support page / give them a call to see if they can signpost you to support services in your area.

    https://www.macmillan.org.uk/cancer-information-and-support/in-your-area?pcode=

    0808 808 0000   They truly are wonderful people, and will do their utmost to assist. 

  • in reply to Debbie

    I’m pleased you found Relate helpful too Debbie. I still remember some of the things I learned from them back then. Glad you and your ex are still friends. 

  • in reply to Joyful

    I am so sorry that you are going through such a ghastly time, but you will get through this. You definitely need to take care of yourself and take the pressure off regarding your partner’s behaviour and the house purchase. 

    I wasn’t in poor health when my husband and I separated but just after the divorce was finalised I was diagnosed with breast cancer and had a mastectomy and chemotherapy. Macmillan Cancer Support were very helpful and I know they could also support you in your current situation as that is part of their remit. It is about helping you to get on with your life. If you haven’t already been in touch with them, give them a call or visit them. My hospital had a Macmillan Centre beside it, they offered one to one support as well as meditation, reflexology, aromatherapy, massage and other things.

     

  • in reply to Debbie

    Thank you, this is a very complex and time critical situation.

    I have just had cancer surgery and my moods have swung to anger and he just responds to me with rage and more anger. I know it’s my fault for being angry but I have just had my breast cut off and my mother just died so I’m feeling a bit of rage right now. I just can’t do anything right and he’s now tellin people he feels bullied by me. I am so low i don’t know what to do. 

Reply
  • in reply to Debbie

    Thank you, this is a very complex and time critical situation.

    I have just had cancer surgery and my moods have swung to anger and he just responds to me with rage and more anger. I know it’s my fault for being angry but I have just had my breast cut off and my mother just died so I’m feeling a bit of rage right now. I just can’t do anything right and he’s now tellin people he feels bullied by me. I am so low i don’t know what to do. 

Children
  • in reply to Joyful

    I don't know where you are located but I do suggest you visit the MacMillan cancer support page / give them a call to see if they can signpost you to support services in your area.

    https://www.macmillan.org.uk/cancer-information-and-support/in-your-area?pcode=

    0808 808 0000   They truly are wonderful people, and will do their utmost to assist. 

  • in reply to Joyful

    I am so sorry that you are going through such a ghastly time, but you will get through this. You definitely need to take care of yourself and take the pressure off regarding your partner’s behaviour and the house purchase. 

    I wasn’t in poor health when my husband and I separated but just after the divorce was finalised I was diagnosed with breast cancer and had a mastectomy and chemotherapy. Macmillan Cancer Support were very helpful and I know they could also support you in your current situation as that is part of their remit. It is about helping you to get on with your life. If you haven’t already been in touch with them, give them a call or visit them. My hospital had a Macmillan Centre beside it, they offered one to one support as well as meditation, reflexology, aromatherapy, massage and other things.