Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi,
I have been thinking about how to start/what to write for quite a while and it changes every time. I could write war and peace, then go back and write it all again. I'm 57 and after yet another meltdown (seem to happen almost on a regular basis), earlier in the year, a friend suggested I may be somewhat autistic, as he saw similar things in me as he has with his Daughter. I looked in to it and could see some similarities, so arranged to meet a professional. After some discussions, questionnaires, I had a follow up meeting. I wasn't told, in advance, the meeting would be to give me the outcome (which basically said I had a level of autism). I was shown a report and asked to see if there was anything I wanted to change. I wasn't sure what I was reading. I then had to confirm things before the report was "locked" down to be sent to the GP etc. There wasn't any time to discuss further options, then the meeting was over. I got an email a couple of days later with some support links on it.
Anyway, having had another slide over the past few days, I am wondering if there are any specialist counselors/therapists who can assist people with autism? I'm in the Bracknell, Berkshire area. I have seen various therapists over the years to try and find out why things happen the way they seem to do. When I'm on "song" I can do pretty much anything, but when I have a slump, I can't be bothered and it's too much. It's easier to toss aside those closest and I become cold, callous and uncaring, which I don't like at all. My little brain has a field day and the inner voice is rampant with negativity.
I would love to find a way to be able to cope, not feel threatened, catastrophising, trapped, accepting etc. I would love to be able to take my partner way next year (for her birthday) and enjoy it without melting down, like I did last year, which was a real shame. I had managed to get myself in to a pretty good place beforehand. There's soo much more but I should probably leave things here for now.
Thanks for reading
There's no simple answers, but over time you can find ways to understand yourself and then things do become easier.
I struggled for most of my life with a lot of things which other people just seem to have no issues with. Situations I found painfully distressing and found many events ruined for me (or everyone else if I reacted) I spent decades trying to work out why and eventually autism became the conclusion. Diagnosis was this year almost 50 years old.
I've had therapy, psycho education sessions (to learn about autism, provided by the diagnosis provider) and a lot of time thinking and reading about it.
Since I know what I'm dealing with it's been easier, but not "easy". I can avoid certain situations if I know they'll be too hard, I can predict what might be an issue and talk myself around in a lot of cases now too.
Knowing that it's sometimes the act not the person helps, for example I feel anger towards someone for making a change of plans, but it's the change I'm angry at, not the person or the thing they changed it to, literally the fact that something changed. I don't get angry at the people as much now I understand the real triggers.
I know my emotions and reactions can be out of synch with what they should be sometimes, so I don't listen to them as much now and allow time to check how I really feel. It's hard to go against your gut reaction, it doesn't feel right, it can make you feel a little "gas lit", but sometimes I have to accept that I'm over/under reacting and to take a step back before I do damage. Sometimes you just can't though, once adrenaline takes over it just has to run it's course.
Takes time and effort, you'll still make mistakes, hopefully not as many. Try and be less hard on yourself when you do.
Good luck!