Published on 12, July, 2020
Hello, I’ve found myself here after my autism assessment came out as not autistic, which really confused and upset me. I’m shocked. The ados2 part said I fit the criteria, and I scored like half on the other part. I can’t say I understand how after only five hours of knowing me she came to that decision. I was upset to read my report for them to say I had no signs of anxiety which was crazy because it just showed me how invisible my feelings really are. There was so much they didn’t understand about me and the way I communicate. Or don’t should I say. I’ve masked so well nobody can actually see me. I’ve never felt more understood by anybody more than the autistic community I’ve found online, like I fit in perfectly. I’ve never known kinder people and I feel like I’ve had the opportunity to be accepted taken away from me. Can I be here and find some comfort without a diagnosis? I have my adhd assessment still ahead of me and I’ll be absolutely mind blown if that one doesn’t come back that I do have it. I really feel like I won’t belong anywhere then. I feel unseen and I just would love the opportunity to make friends with people that understand what it’s like to be heavily masked and completely misunderstood for 35 years. If you have read this, then thank you, I just don’t know who I can talk to in this complicated world.
I believe in your experience, I think your self diagnosis, and everybody's autism self diagnosis is valid. So your autism self diagnosis has helped you feel better? Feel less lonely? Know yourself better? Has made improvements for you in general? Why should it be wrong then? And does it really matter at this point if it's accurate or whatever? It has helped you and that's enough for me! You feel like you belong here and that's enough for us! You are most welcome here.
I am self diagnosed too and I'm not even looking for an official diagnosis, mostly because it's hard to find specialized professionals where I live, but also because I think I'm getting what's important for me just with the self diagnosis.
Also, I know the pain of not getting the diagnosis. I went to a doctor one time for depression, after years of just enduring it, and didn't get the diagnosis, it was only after I returned and talked about my suicidal thoughts that he gave me a prescription, though I think he still didn't fully believe my depression diagnosis. It was very heartbreaking specially since I always thought I was faking my depression and was just being lazy.
hello Cosmo, I'm new on here...i really connect with your reply here; i'm undiagnosed and not sure i will go for assesment ( heck i'm 60!) but like you (it seems) i've had decades of therapy , traversed depression and anxiety ...found it hard to fit in , find and stick to a job ( i'm a serial unachiever!!) but feel consoled that you speak of being self-diagnosed and not looking for a diagnosis...i throw myself into art and writing now , and at last its starting to feel that this is the best therapy!!
"serial underachiever" really resonates with me. I'm just a few years from retirement and I've spent my working life (mostly) as a full time mum, part time domestic cleaner with an occasional part time shop job thrown in for good measure. Even though I can now look back on my life and understand that my underachieving can be attributed to my autism my inner narrator still insists that I'm lame (probably because I have two autistic family members who have quite high powered jobs) As a very late diagnosed autistic I'm not sure if I will ever make peace with my lack of achievement in the workplace.
I'm so happy, thanks for telling me. I always hope to be of some help with my replies.