Published on 12, July, 2020
Hey all
I'm staying anonymous until I feel a bit more comfortable; hope that's ok and doesn't make people skim past me.
Early 2023 saw me as the picture of privilege (from the outside anyway); stable middle-class upbringing, nothing diverse about me to speak of. I've done well in my career and, heading towards 40, was pushing for a leadership position in the firm I work for which required some interviews and some deep personal reflections.
Long story short, I failed. Got some 'interesting' feedback about eye contact in the interview / answering questions directly, without taking the opportunity to use it to spin into a self-praise story etc. and it rang some bells as it's a story I'd heard before.
Having had some informal chats about what could be 'wrong' with me, I finally reached out for support and got diagnosed in summer. The process was great (if a little intense) and I found it all really interesting, and I came away armed not only with a piece of paper but with permission to be me - just needed to find out who that was.
Another go at the promotion, this time armed with better knowledge about me - and with the company aware and understanding about my diagnosis - I got it.
Trouble is, I saw the role I was pushing for as one that asking for help would undermine my case for getting it in the first place, so most of 2023 was just "getting on with it" and pretending that everything was doing fine - only it wasn't, my mental health was taking hit after hit and it culminated in me getting signed off work.
I was signed off with what the GP called "anxiety" but I feel "burnout" is a way better description - I just couldn't do it anymore; I had the skill and experience, but just not the motivation or the energy, I was done.
Fast forward to now, and I'm heading back to work having reflected on my year - I'm determined not to let it get on top of me again, and going to try and be more honest / let the mask slip a bit / ask for help when I need it.
But I've been masking for 40 years, and liken it to learning to walk again; I know what my end goal is, and each of the steps (no pun intended but now I've written it I'm keeping it), but putting it all together an getting it right seems enormous and fraught with challenge.
Any tips for this "40 and Autie"??
Hi and welcome :)
It sounds like you had a rough time of it which I'm really sorry for you but it sounds like you've entered this year fighting fit and ready
NAS91003 said:Fast forward to now, and I'm heading back to work having reflected on my year - I'm determined not to let it get on top of me again, and going to try and be more honest / let the mask slip a bit / ask for help when I need it.
This is amazing to read ^^ you have such an upbeat and positive attitude and that's so great
Remember to take it steady and don't push yourself too hard. If you need help then don't forget this forum - it's by far the best resource for autism.
There's so many lovely and kind people here who will offer you as much help and support as you need :)
We're all rooting for you right now.
Congrats on your promotion and best of luck with all your plans for this year. You have totally got this! ^^
Thanks Goosey, appreciate the welcome!
The positive attitude is great in theory but the challenge comes when something comes along to upset it - I don't seem to have the ability to be 'ok'; it's either really positive until things get on top of me, at which point I become grumpy, cynical and impatient!
I'm so pleased to have found this forum - having been signed off work (and lucky enough to have private medical cover provided) I've been having CBT but feels like I'm largely going through the motions at the minute - whereas I've found in this forum I can be totally me and honest and introspective. Not the fault of the therapist at all, I just struggle to put things into words at conversation speed, whereas I can stop and think when I'm writing and don't feel awkward to do so!