Published on 12, July, 2020
Hello ! I'm glad I found this forum as I wanted a safe space to talk about the possibility of having autism myself but it isn't something I have ever discussed with anyone . I have always felt out of place , disconnected and somehow different to other people. I find it very difficult to make friends and maintain the few friendships that I do have . I can have conversations with people if they are leading what topic we are talking about so it appears like I can be a good conversationalist but I'm always thinking how I wouldn't know where to start if it were up to me me. In situations where there are groups of people I notice how everyone else can make constant discussion and go up and talk to people they don't know and I have always been the only person sitting alone , and I always notice but never know what to do about it . I am 26 years old. I think people might think I'm weird or hostile for not socially interacting the way that they do. I can make small talk with someone once but then become scared of seeing them again because I won't know what to say next time. I have a gut feeling that this is more than anxiety. I am also scared to say that I have been feeling that I might be autistic because I might not be believed or seen as 'high functioning ' or 'autistic enough' (I don't believe in that but I think it's a view point) but I also had self doubts believing if I was down enough to be diagnosed with depression or exhausted enough or in pain enough to be diagnosed with chronic fatigue and fibromyalgia but I am diagnosed with all three. I don't have any obsessive interests and I'm not made of facts , but I have always loved art , it is my life long hobby , when I was too depressed to make art for two years I felt like I genuinely did not know who I was anymore. I was really shy and quiet as a child and experienced depression and anxiety from around the age of 6 or 7 years old. I am quite intelligent and did well in school. I'm a really messy person and a bit of a hoarder. I am a perfectionist. I really struggle with noise and get overwhelmed by noise so easily and it can take over everything, if it's a room of people talking, children , or the radio being one notch too loud, or the washing machine is on while someone is trying to talk to me I find it unbearable , my intolerance to this has gotten worse as I am getting older. Thank you if you took the time to read this. I would really appreciate a response from anyone it would make me feel a bit less isolated.
I've read you and hear you. You could well be right and you might well benefit from an assessment. I am hearing social and sensory struggles there.
If you want to go through that process you might be in for a long wait. Meanwhile we are here to support you. If it's any help many of us started with half a clue and felt bemused and confused until we got our truth too.
It might help you to start reading and you tubing like mad. There are so many of our voices out their that can validate our experience. I suppose in days gone by we would have sat in a dark corner thinking we were the only odd one and utterly alone. We aren't. Technology can connect us.
Welcome to the Community
Thanks so much , just the validation of being heard means a lot . Also I find it interesting that the people who have been my closest friends or people I have been in relationships with have either been diagnosed or mentioned to me that they believe they might be on the spectrum.
I do often feel alone and always have done , it is nice to feel connected and thank you for reaching out and making a first connection on here . Sorry I know my words aren't flowing how I'd like them to this evening.