My mum and I have been working through autism issues together and recommended that I have a look at the forum here and said it might be a good idea to get involved with the community and talk about my situation. We have watched a couple of documentaries together in the last week or so about autism and we both agreed that I honestly could not be a better fit for all the classic signs that were shown. Several teachers and other professionals in my early years said that there was a very strong possibility that I am on the spectrum, but I was never formally tested due to pressure from other family members saying it would only make my life more complicated and give me a label that at the time had quite a stigma attached to it, plus I seemed to be coping well with it albeit with a few difficulties. I’m 29 now so we are talking 90s and 00s and I think attitudes have changed a lot since then. We both agree that things have come a long way since then in terms of people’s understanding. I think not getting help is something that my mum really regrets as getting properly assessed and supported in early years would very likely have made my life up to now a lot easier.
Having discussed all things autism with my mum, my entire life suddenly all makes sense. I’ve been living with my parents since lockdown started as I couldn’t cope on my own in a tiny house with barely any outside space. I’ve also lived with signs of gender identity disorder my whole life pretty much (transgender) and was genuinely happier once I could transition and be myself, but there came a point where it got in the way of other things in my life that were also important, like relationships, and then I started going backwards with that thinking that was the only way it was going to happen for me. My mum always had issues with that aspect of my life but then a couple of years ago a difficult family situation miraculously changed her stance. We worked with each other to perhaps find another way in which I could live at peace with myself and still achieve all the things in life that are important to me. Unfortunately last year a very protracted crisis with an older family member derailed things for all of us and it didn’t really get much attention. Then around Christmas last year we started talking about autism again and made steps towards getting help but then the coronavirus hit and everywhere shut down.
Living here with my mum has brought us closer together than ever and with what she has been able to show me recently everything is so clear to me now. Together we are working on online dating in spaces geared towards autism and disabilities, in my former name and gender, thinking if we can address the issues autism brings then that might make me at peace enough with myself to have the best life possible, and open up my world to a great deal more opportunities. But I still have doubts as to whether I can even have a relationship, if anyone will ever be interested in me. I’m of an age now where my friends are settling down, getting married to each other and even having kids. Not having the same opportunities has made me severely depressed in an already difficult situation with the pandemic and even told my parents I questioned if my life was still worth living. I have days where I feel hopeless.
I’ve been wanting to get professional help and I realise that going to my GP is the best way forward and my parents have both said they will come along to the appointments to provide support but again I feel hopeless as my doctors surgery has closed down with the pandemic. I don’t think they are even taking phone appointments at the moment but I feel I really would benefit most from a physical appointment anyway. Nobody knows when things will open up again and that’s another reason why I have really struggled with the pandemic situation. Right now I feel emotionally exhausted and also have a tendency to think too far ahead and find myself dealing with years’ worth of problems in a single day.