Published on 12, July, 2020
Hello all,
I'm so glad to have finally found somewhere to discuss this.
My partner and me have been together for a couple of years, and we both feel he has AS. Both of us have siblings with AS and I have professional training and experience with people with this condition, plus his behaviours match up on online tests he's taken (though those things are a NIGHTMARE for literal thinkers like him!). We're in our late twenties and have discussed him getting a diagnosis for some time, but we're aware of the time/ effort/ chance of it not being recognised and we're not sure there'd really be any benefit for him or us. However, I'm starting to struggle a little.
I'm a very emotionally colourful person- enormously expressive and open- and I find his lack of emotion so challenging at times. There's zero affection unless I instigate it, though we have a relatively healthy sexual relationship. I can be crying and he'll just sit, blinking at me. He's never said anything emotional about me or our relationship, in terms of how much he loves me or how I make him feel. It's TOUGH, especially as I feel loved through words. I feel like we've tried everything, and bless him, he tries so, so hard to meet my needs, but having to constantly direct him in how to love me makes me feel I'm the only person in our relationship. We're both reaching a point of frustration and huge imbalance. I think he feels he irritates me all the time and is walking on eggshells. I find communicating with him so exhausting that I'm switching off, and I feel enormously guilty and responsible.
I've come to the point where I've realised I absolutely have to stop pushing him for things that are simply not in his repertoire, such as physical and vocal affection. He's tried and tried and just can't keep it up without reminding. I want to learn to love him as he is and stop focusing on my own void, but it's difficult. I have the most amazing relationship with my brother who has AS, and I'm the only person who can communicate well with him, but it's a completely different thing with a partner and strong emotions.
I don't feel I can talk to anyone else about this, as I worry people who don't understand would simply tell me to leave. I absolutely would never leave him. He's the most amazing man- kind, funny and intelligent. I just wish I had the skills to make him always feel that way, rather than the irritating little boy I probably make him feel at times. We're the best of friends and he's the absolute love of my life.
I wondered if anyone might have any advice, such as how to meet in the middle, or even how to learn to put my own needs, regarding affection, aside without feeling resentful. I'm already a very open, honest and direct communicator, but I feel we're so wildly different, that we're still not communicating well, and I'd love to fix that. I'd also like to add that I'm happy to be on this journey with him- people with AS have deeply enriched my life and my soul and I know that learning to navigate this will make our relationship, and me as an individual, infinitely stronger.
I'm so sorry this is is so long, and I'm so grateful if you've managed to read this and could offer any tips.
Sending love, thanks and best wishes.
Your original post did sound just a teeny went bit self centred.
Don't you think that autistic gay males are different?
Maybe. The gay guys I know are kinda expressive and romantic though
I wonder if it is easier for autistic gay couples.
How do you think?
I'm really sorry you feel that way! I didn't realise it seems like I'm complaining about him. It's very difficult to communicate tone through a keyboard! I'm trying to just give a picture of our relationship. If I hadn't pointed out these qualities, I wouldn't have been able to seek the advice I'm trying to. I've literally said how hard he tries, and that I want to try and change, rather than him having to, so I just honestly don't understand how you're perceiving me so negatively. I love him to death! We actually have a very close, happy relationship, but these things come back round every so often and we're not progressing through them, which is why I'm seeking advice.
I bet it's annoying- and also frustrating on the other side when you have to ask for these things! :) It can feel tiring and lead to a lot of unhappiness. This is kind of what I'm getting at- we've been raised in a world which teaches us that love means compliments, affection, lots of emotional conversation, etc. I believe it's as difficult for a NT person to undo a lifetime of conditioning towards that notion as it is for someone with AS to want to do those things... so where does that leave us all? What's the middle ground? Really sorry your wife feels that way sometimes, by the way. Must be hard for you both.
I may be way off here - but it sounds as though you are very happy expressing 'love' in a very free and unbounded way - and you expect him to be the same.
The problem is your are expecting him to work with something that can't be defined. Love is an abstract concept - so how is he supposed to work out 'how much he loves you' or how can he demonstrate something with no measurable value?
You're asking him to supply a commodity that has no definable units.
He's confused and not understanding your needs because there's no manual or recipe for him to refer to.
You need to calmly chat to him about 'it would be nice if you did this when..... or 'I like it when you do this or that' to give him some tools and ammunition to work with.
I'm not sure if you've realised that we mask our true selves to give a pleasant user interface for our partner. This mask is often created in our 'teens and it works well for a good number of years.
Unfortunately, life gets more complicated as time goes by so our fixed operating system becomes outdated - and you are seeing the edges of his mask..
It's not that he doesn't feel exactly the same emotions as you - it's just he's unable to measure your emotions without more data being supplied so he cannot select an appropriate response fast enough to make it look natural. Imagine if he were blind - he'd be unable to 'read' you - same thing really.
Cut him some slack and, without putting any emotion into it, give him all the data he needs to work with you - sort of an 'inside track to your emotions' and you'll be surprised.
Communication is everything.
Firstly, I'm not actually NT, depending on which way you look at things. Also, affection etc aren't necessarily NT expressions, but you make perfect sense. My partner says a similar thing to you, but, what I know about relationships is that we all have different 'love languages'. Some people feel loved through words, touch, mere presence, doing the washing up etc etc, and to have a successful relationship, we have to learn to communicate our feelings through the way which works for our partner, otherwise it's almost meaningless. Love almost doesn't exist if it's not perceived by the other person, perhaps. You do make it sound like I'm not 'meeting halfway' already. He's an incredible person, but I've spent the couple of years trying really hard to put my own needs aside. I know what I need to do... it's more the HOW I'm interested in. I really do agree with you though, and appreciate your answer. I've had boyfriends who had no issue in proclaiming their undying love for me at any given opportunity, but it meant nothing!
You are complaining about your boyfriend on the basis that hes ASD and YOU feel insulted? Ah, help me someone.....
No, not angry. It's just that I've stated I feel guilty all the time and want to be able to support him in the way that he is, and learn how to put my own feelings aside... that's what I'm asking for support/ ideas with. So telling me I need to support the way he is kind of a futile response to that... I've come here, hoping for help from people in similar situations, yet I feel like I'm being insulted, to be honest.
Honestly I know loads of NT men who just fit that description
lol ain't that the truth! We're designed to mis-communicate as a default!
Castle said:It's annoying for us blokes trying to get by in life without our wife's asking for compliments etc or to do romantic things just doesn't come naturally. Well it doesn't for me, I need to be told.
That is just blokes in general whatever their neurotribe is.
Castle said:It's annoying for us blokes trying to get by in life without our wife's asking for compliments
That's really made me laugh, I can imagine the response you'd get to that too! It's true though, we think you look fantastic all the time, why do you need to be reminded?? Oh, because you're NT....
On a more serious note though, I do now literally ask her to tell me exactly what she wants. For example, I'm terrible at gauging emotion, I can tell when she's feeling low, but I have no idea how deep that goes. So when she comes to me with an issue I now find out whether she wants it solving or she just wants to vent at me and get a hug. (I automatically go into problem-solving mode, with as little emotion as possible!)
I can also relate to the problems you both mention. I have Aspergers and I get the constant do you still love me? Wheres the romance? This relationship is rubbish blah blah blah.
No matter how many times my wife will need me to comment on how nice she looks I just don't do it. I will often think it but don't remember to tell her it's so annoying. Like I don't need to be told if I look nice so why do you?
It's annoying for us blokes trying to get by in life without our wife's asking for compliments etc or to do romantic things just doesn't come naturally. Well it doesn't for me, I need to be told.
You're kind of angry now. I think you wanted some other kind of answer here, so I will leave it to the people who don't challenge you to carry on
Peace
Yes, because in this kind of forum, I didn't feel the need to describe 'symptoms'. I'm not the only person who thinks it. It hasn't come from me. He doesn't feel he wants/ needs a diagnosis- and that's fine. For him, it wouldn't change anything, as I said. Also, what you're saying about accepting him how he is is literally what I'M saying, what I'm asking for help with! I just don't understand where you're coming from with these comments.
Original Prankster said:she doesn't even notice that I do these things... b
Exactly. Men DO things to show their love. I wish more women would realise this.
Ah, this made me tear up a little bit! The way you describe things is just like the way my (AS) brother does. Perhaps these 'visual' ideas are a really good way to communicate with each other- thank you. I'd not even thought of trying that. My boyfriend is exactly the same- as long as I'm here, he's content, which is actually quite lovely most of the time! He's very, very easy to be around, and never has any expectations of me. That's a big reason I want to be able to do the same for him. Thank you so much for your response. I hope the diagnostic process is helpful!
But still what you originally described to me sounded like gender communication problems that many couples experience.
I think you could do with a professional opinion other than your own about the AS. You can't be sure you are being objective here (doctors aren't allowed to treat their own families for this reason).
Whichever way it goes you basically need to love and appreciate what he is and stop upsetting yourself over what he isn't and never will be, otherwise you will both be miserable. How would you feel if he told you that your basic nature was upsetting to him?
That's the nutshell answer.
Probably not what you want to hear, but its the voice of experience speaking.