I have Aspergers Syndrome, and there is a particular person that I have a crush on, and want to ask out on a date. However, I could be wrong, but I’ve got a feeling that they don’t like me (in that way) back. I’ve avoided asking them out up until now, because I’m really afraid that if they reject me, it will trigger feelings of self-hatred, both in terms of my appearance and myself as a person, as due to having Aspergers, I haven’t always found fitting in easy, and I’m afraid that being rejected in a relationship sense will bring all of these feelings flooding back quite badly. Does anyone have any advice on how to deal with relationship rejection with having Aspergers?
Eh. Been there done that. Spent most of my youth crushing on girls from a distance. And some girls were openly interested and I was ignoring them for years. Two women told me that they did everything (except ask me out) to get my attention and that they were "over me". One actually was sitting in my dorm in a nightgown with perfume and I only noticed when she left. Another said, "why do you think I kept asking you for help in the art cupboard?'
She likes you
- a girl who likes you will be making excuses to be alone with you! Because they are comfortable.
Getting past rejection.
Practice on random women for your warm up. Complementing people/women.
Complement random women in the street. (and walk off)
Don't complement physical attributes, legs. Say something like, "Hi, I think you have a wonderful smile." Maintain a little eye contact and walk off.
If this is too much
Use a dating app to get used to talking to women. Anyway, that said I prefer OKCupid and "plenty of fish".
Once you have enough courage, just ask her out and be prepared for a no. And also be prepared for a yes. (get number, think of a nice place to go)
Don't get me wrong, I do appreciate the positive intent of this advice, and I know that each woman will be different in her response, but in the wrong situation there could be unintended and negative consequences. Just a few examples:
Lagrangian said:Practice on random women for your warm up. Complementing people/women.
1) It depends on what you consider a 'random' woman to be. If it's a woman who is a good friend and you are just complimenting them in an amiable way, that could be okay. If it's a co-worker, client or work colleague, just don't go there! If it's just some stranger you meet in the street then you have no idea how will they will receive your compliment - it depends entirely on the situation. Most female friends will probably not appreciate being used as practice for hitting on other women! If you have female friends, maybe just ask for their advice instead?
Lagrangian said:Complement random women in the street. (and walk off)
2) Again, this varies from woman to woman, but if a stranger complimented me in the street and walked off I would be terrified. I would be shaking and watching my back all the way home. (I remember a guy followed me through town and waited until I was in a relatively quieter street before approaching me and complimenting me then repeatedly asking me out. I'm sure to him he thought he was picking the best time (for him!) but to me it felt very threatening.). Remember, complete strangers don't know your mind set - they don't know what your intentions are, and woman often have to feel like they are on guard. So be very careful about approaching women you don't know.
Lagrangian said:Don't complement physical attributes, legs. Say something like, "Hi, I think you have a wonderful smile." Maintain a little eye contact and walk off.
3) Even a compliment as seemingly innocuous as "you have a wonderful smile" could end you up in a lot of hot water if you don't know the woman. Again, it depends entirely on the situation and if the woman is a stranger or not.
Just sharing my perspective as a woman - other women's opinions will certainly vary!
I think the OP is waiting for advice and we have any alternative view, of what not to do.
Do you have any constructive comments as to how he actually ask a girl he likes out?
Other than never talk to any member of the opposite sex ever unless they are a family member' what should he do?
That's not what we mean at all :p of course speak to others. My advice above was to get to know them a bit better before asking them out. This is what others have put as well.
I think he should see if he can develop a friendship with her first, based on common interests and activities. Build that foundation, then ask her out. If their relationship hasn't got that friendly foundation, then just approaching her is going to be difficult and she might not know how to respond. And if she doesn't want to hang out as a friend then she probably wouldn't want to hang out as a girlfriend.
As for developing romantic communication skills, I understand that some dating sites now offer things like music and cooking classes where you can meet people in a more relaxed group setting. Might be worth checking that out.
I think he should see if he can develop a friendship with her first, based on common interests and activities.
Do you know what the friend zone is? This is a very safe zone where some guys end up never to appear. I would say it could amount to Emotionally abuse - where he can't ask her out because he will further jeopardise her friendship. Just WOW.
Nope said:My advice above was to get to know them a bit better before asking them out.
If he is anything like me he has been crushing for 2 years. He likes her, he can't get the courage because he fears rejection.
You do know girls can be so cruel. Especially when they copy and paste stuff with their friends online and laugh at men.
NAS62142 said:there is a particular person that I have a crush on, and want to ask out on a date.
So you are suggesting not asking her out on a date; but asking her to a cookery class.
Which is a PRE-date?
Lagrangian said:Do you know what the friend zone is? This is a very safe zone where some guys end up never to appear. I would say it could amount to Emotionally abuse - where he can't ask her out because he will further jeopardise her friendship. Just WOW.
If you end up in the "friend zone" it is usually because the other person probably likes you but does not want to be involved with you romantically. If someone isn't attracted to you, there is no combination of words you can say that will make them like you. However, if you establish a friendly relationship before asking her out (get to know her interests, start discussions with her about movies she might like, etc., that kind of friendly relationship), then it can help you to get to know her, get used to being around her and how to deal with those nervous feelings, and decide if you really want to pursue a relationship. Then, if you do, approaching her will at least be familiar and therefore slightly less intimidating. I know there are some guys (and girls, for that matter!) who can confidently stride up to someone they find attractive and strike up a rapport almost instantaneously. But for those of us not gifted at de-cofidying the unspoken language of romantic attraction (so much of it is locked up in body language and facial expressions), then sometimes we have to build more solid foundations before approaching someone in that vulnerable way.
Also, must be said that those types of people are usually not afraid of rejection. It doesn't affect their self-worth.
When you do build up a rapport with someone, you do come to a point when you have to decide whether you want to make your feelings known explicitly. If you're not sure if they'll be reciprocated, that is. Of course, that does risk losing the existing friendship, but that is a call each individual has to make. But at least you can say you took the time to get to know her, so the relationship doesn't stagnate in the realm of idealisation from afar.
As I said, if she doesn't want to hang out with you as a friend, she probably is not interested in hanging out with you as a girlfriend. So, for someone who is really nervous about approaching a woman (or a man) they like, that would be my advice.
Lagrangian said:So you are suggesting not asking her out on a date; but asking her to a cookery class.
No, not asking her to a cookery class! Going by yourself to a group event specifically designed for individuals looking to mingle. That way, everyone is there for the same reason - to get to know and talk to other people - and you won't be creating any awkward situations by practising on strangers who may not want to engage in that way.
Point taken, It's obvious why people are at the cookery meet up.
I think that is good advice. "Don't ask out. Just start having a conversation with her. And see where it goes."
Lagrangian said:Do you know what the friend zone is?
It is perfectly possible being friends as part of a group of friends doing friendly activities and not being friendzoned.
Friendzone in my mind is something subconscious and quite instinctive. It is really biology saying 'not my type'. But staying polite and not spoiling relationships.
It is perfectly possible finding someone attractive and with potential while pretending being friends.
Lagrangian said:You do know girls can be so cruel. Especially when they copy and paste stuff with their friends online and laugh at men.
An Aspie really should stay away as far as possible from girls like this. Nothing good would come out of this except feeling abused.
The key to any relationship , however tentative is to look for people who are 'good for you', compatible with you and your wellbeing. Who will respect and protect you from abuse by others. You are looking for people who will like you for who you are in your natural self, with all your flaws. People who will have the grace and intelligence to be patient and notice how wonderful you are, how smart you are, someone who can hold meaningful conversation on topic interesting to you. Because you can't stand meaningless conversations and conversations about topics not interesting to you. So asking out is an audition for the girl to be eligible to date with an aspie. Does she look through shallow perceptions and peer group stereotypes to see the intelligent, passionate, reliable and endearing aspie? Does she connect with your wibes? Can you communicate effortlessly? Does she try to put you at ease or is she pushing your red alert buttons? You will have your answer.
Lagrangian said: a girl who likes you will be making excuses to be alone with you! Because they are comfortable.
Very true, especially the bit about comfortable. If she start to behave in a way that puts you at ease when you approach, it's a good sign. She is already communicating.
Eloquently put, @Tinyexplorer :) you explained this better than I could.
I really disliked being friend-zoned, it's as painful as unwanted attention. But perhaps I didn't realise these girls were trying to get to know me better. A bit like "making excuses to be around you." But more subtle. I think the trick is not to stay there too long. And to find out if you are interested and not just infatuated. I think back to my teenage years it was definitely the latter.
However, if you have a social disability these events can be misinterpreted either way. And yes you can get yourself into serious trouble. And that why the OP is asking. I think it's easier to recover from rejection when you have more options. For instance hobbies, class, homework, other girls.In my old sixth form, I was continually asked by a girl to help her get stuff from the art cupboard. I did not get this hint. And after the year was up she told me she was over trying to get my attention. I actually liked her and liked getting stuff from the cupboard with her. But she thought I was not interested because I failed to get that social rule, of making excuses to be alone with.
I learnt my lesson about a year later and the next time a girl was always hanging around me I instinctively held her hand whilst crossing the road. There was no asking out whatsoever. I spend about 2 years with her. The breakup was hard and my friend had to take away my Portishead CD!
I think you are going to have to learn from your mistakes. And it's okay to make mistakes. Just see if she is spending time with you when she has other options. Like coming up to you when you are with your friends.
Also, you are going to have to start communicating what is happening with people who are actually in relationships and know. Like talking to your brother, dad, mum, cousins. I think this is why I had such a hard time. Because I didn't get help from those around me I think I had a harder time telling if girls are interested. I would not communicate this with your friend, as was often happens is they start going out.
With you getting advice from family about relationships, you might even find that you notice that there are other girls that are interested in you.
PS. I really dislike men who throw comments at women in the street. But it also makes me think why they think it's socially acceptable, or do they not get the social rules.