Part of the Process - I hope!

Last Thursday I was all over the place. I wasn't sleeping because my mind was working none stop and at super high speed. I didn't even have time to write any of my thoughts down. I was on my last legs.

My support worker ended our session early so I could go for an emergency appointment at the doctors where they finally gave in and gave me sleeping tablets. These really helped but I still can't shake off the low lingering mood.

I have passed the suicidal stage. That lasted only two days which is really great. Amazing, in fact. But I still can't find joy. Going through my mind are all the things I've heard people on here say. Such as, I just wish people would understand me.

But that's not true. I refuse to give in to this. I would rather die than be known for my difficulties. I will not give into them. There is only one person who needs to understand me, and that's me.

My mum is really on my side right now. She knows now, that when I say I'm suicidal. I'm saying it, because I don't want to die. I'm expressing how I feel. Not to scare or upset anybody but because I'm scared. If I don't start telling people when I feel like this, I'm afraid I'll go through with it.

My support worker said, think of your family, think of your son, and how they would feel if you killed yourself. I said I have and I do and I'm happy to think about them. But it doesn't make me want to stop. It makes me want to succeed. If they find me dead, then they'll know I lived. That's how I feel when I'm like that. Like nobody even knows I'm alive.

It was exhaustion that saved me. Had I not been so tired, I most likely wouldn't be here right now, so I can never complain about being tired. My body aches so much. I'm in so much pain but I'm not taking any more pain killers. I took so many last week that I was vomiting up bile.

I'm eating every day now. I'm even eating food I don't normally eat and that gives me pain, but I figured it's better to eat than not eat. I'm an experienced faster, I love fasting, but not when I'm not well, mentally. So I'm eating. I'm drinking as much as I can. I've even been drinking coke. I don't care what I'm drinking, just so long as I am.

What's pushing me right now, is the thought of a certain person's reaction to my news that I'm autistic.

They said they were sorry!

Sorry? SORRY? What the hell does that mean? My daughter in law said it's like telling somebody, yeah, my dad's African (or whatever) and the person saying, oh, I'm sorry!

That's pushing me on right now. I'm thinking, I'll show them who's sorry! I don't want to tell people how difficult my life is. I can talk about that with you guys, but for everybody else, they get to hear about how great it is to be autistic. Because it is, great. I'm just not feeling that great right now. But I won't give in to this.

I tell people how I feel, if they ask, but I don't want their pity, I'm just telling them because they asked. If they don't like what I say, maybe they won't ask again. I don't care. I don't like talking much when I'm like this, so it's better for me that they don't ask. But I won't give them the ins and outs. I won't have anybody say it's terrible to be autistic, because of me.

Everybody has struggles. I don't care who they are. It's part of life's journey. The trick is to transcend them.

Everything is coming at me. The sun shinning throws me into a panic. I can't bear the change, and even if I could, I don't have any sandals to wear! That's what's going through my mind. How am I going to get the sandals I need? I threw my last ones away. Of course they're not the only thoughts. I think of all the people. It's like the sun brings them all out. They're like wasps or something, all swarming around, everywhere.

I never went out of my house too much last summer. My OCD is in full swing in so many ways. The thoughts I'm having are insane. But at least I can see them. I have somehow got myself into a position where I can see my thoughts and not react. I couldn't do that when I was in the suicidal state, but I can now and my god, there is no wonder I get so exhausted.

I'm ready to hit the gym. Which sounds a bit silly, if you could see my little frame and how exhausted I am and how much pain I'm in. But I can feel this anger and sadness in me and it has to come out. I'm gonna run it out and work it out in the gym.

I don't know who I'll be without all the pain and sorrow, but I'll find out, because I can feel it's coming to an end. It's going to take some effort, but I'll keep in mind, that person who said they were sorry. And I'll push it all out.

My body needs building up and that's what I'm going to do. I don't know how, probably because of all the inner work I've done, but somehow I'm calm and I'm certain of what I'm going to do. I'm going to push through this pain barrier once and for all because it's too much to live with. I can't live with it anymore.

Love is the greatest power on earth. Pain is a close second, but I can't live with it anymore. Pain is deep and intense and I can feel it but it's sorrowful. It likes to take prisoners, but it's not taking me.

Maybe pain is the gateway to love? Darkness is the way to light?  

I'm not quite sure what it will be like to live fully in the light. But in for a penny, in for a pound. I've always been extreme, and now it's time to feel the love. Fully, wholly and completely. I'm done with pain...... ~ And just like that, the pain in my body has gone!

Mmmmmm, that's a good start.

I can fully understand why there's such a high rate of suicides in the autistic community. We have to change that. We really do. But only we can do that. Nobody can do it for us. And we can't bend the world to meet our needs. We have to do that, as well. Somehow. I'll find a way. I'm finding the way. Maybe May will be my time to get back in the gym. I better start preparing.

Anyone else feeling like I am, hang in there, this too shall pass. Listening to mantras, is really helping me right now. I'm listening to Tibetan Buddhist and Gregorian Chants, right now, it's very beautiful. No words, just sounds, with meaning. I don't know what they mean but I know they mean good.

It's not easy, but as many have said on here, we are often compensated for what we haven't got or for what we can't do, and when we look at those things, from a solid standpoint, very few of us would trade what we have, for what we haven't got. And what we haven't got, we rarely value anyway. I think you know what I'm talking about.

We don't want to be part of that harsh cruel world of competition and material gains, for the sake of them. We're not made that way and I'll never be part of it. But that doesn't mean we can't achieve success in our own ways. It can just look kind of feeble, when compared with the Joneses sometimes, but then, comparison of any kind, is always a bad idea. So it's not about comparison. I can no sooner judge another person and their success as they can me and mine. We're all different. All of us. Not just us autistics, although we do tend to stand out for being rather unique

Yes, there's a very dark side to autism, as many of us know, but we can overcome it, I just know we can. I have to, because the pain and sorrow is too heavy for me to bear. The time has come for me to push through. But not in my usual manner, like a juggernaut gone crazy. I'm taking it slowly, as slowly as I can and when I go too quick, I am flooded with suicidal thoughts to slow me down and teach me a lesson. I'm finally learning from my mistakes, slowly but surely, and I'm putting my new awareness and what I'm learning into practice, slowly but surely. One baby step at a time.