Last Thursday I was all over the place. I wasn't sleeping because my mind was working none stop and at super high speed. I didn't even have time to write any of my thoughts down. I was on my last legs.
My support worker ended our session early so I could go for an emergency appointment at the doctors where they finally gave in and gave me sleeping tablets. These really helped but I still can't shake off the low lingering mood.
I have passed the suicidal stage. That lasted only two days which is really great. Amazing, in fact. But I still can't find joy. Going through my mind are all the things I've heard people on here say. Such as, I just wish people would understand me.
But that's not true. I refuse to give in to this. I would rather die than be known for my difficulties. I will not give into them. There is only one person who needs to understand me, and that's me.
My mum is really on my side right now. She knows now, that when I say I'm suicidal. I'm saying it, because I don't want to die. I'm expressing how I feel. Not to scare or upset anybody but because I'm scared. If I don't start telling people when I feel like this, I'm afraid I'll go through with it.
My support worker said, think of your family, think of your son, and how they would feel if you killed yourself. I said I have and I do and I'm happy to think about them. But it doesn't make me want to stop. It makes me want to succeed. If they find me dead, then they'll know I lived. That's how I feel when I'm like that. Like nobody even knows I'm alive.
It was exhaustion that saved me. Had I not been so tired, I most likely wouldn't be here right now, so I can never complain about being tired. My body aches so much. I'm in so much pain but I'm not taking any more pain killers. I took so many last week that I was vomiting up bile.
I'm eating every day now. I'm even eating food I don't normally eat and that gives me pain, but I figured it's better to eat than not eat. I'm an experienced faster, I love fasting, but not when I'm not well, mentally. So I'm eating. I'm drinking as much as I can. I've even been drinking coke. I don't care what I'm drinking, just so long as I am.
What's pushing me right now, is the thought of a certain person's reaction to my news that I'm autistic.
They said they were sorry!
Sorry? SORRY? What the hell does that mean? My daughter in law said it's like telling somebody, yeah, my dad's African (or whatever) and the person saying, oh, I'm sorry!
That's pushing me on right now. I'm thinking, I'll show them who's sorry! I don't want to tell people how difficult my life is. I can talk about that with you guys, but for everybody else, they get to hear about how great it is to be autistic. Because it is, great. I'm just not feeling that great right now. But I won't give in to this.
I tell people how I feel, if they ask, but I don't want their pity, I'm just telling them because they asked. If they don't like what I say, maybe they won't ask again. I don't care. I don't like talking much when I'm like this, so it's better for me that they don't ask. But I won't give them the ins and outs. I won't have anybody say it's terrible to be autistic, because of me.
Everybody has struggles. I don't care who they are. It's part of life's journey. The trick is to transcend them.
Everything is coming at me. The sun shinning throws me into a panic. I can't bear the change, and even if I could, I don't have any sandals to wear! That's what's going through my mind. How am I going to get the sandals I need? I threw my last ones away. Of course they're not the only thoughts. I think of all the people. It's like the sun brings them all out. They're like wasps or something, all swarming around, everywhere.
I never went out of my house too much last summer. My OCD is in full swing in so many ways. The thoughts I'm having are insane. But at least I can see them. I have somehow got myself into a position where I can see my thoughts and not react. I couldn't do that when I was in the suicidal state, but I can now and my god, there is no wonder I get so exhausted.
I'm ready to hit the gym. Which sounds a bit silly, if you could see my little frame and how exhausted I am and how much pain I'm in. But I can feel this anger and sadness in me and it has to come out. I'm gonna run it out and work it out in the gym.
I don't know who I'll be without all the pain and sorrow, but I'll find out, because I can feel it's coming to an end. It's going to take some effort, but I'll keep in mind, that person who said they were sorry. And I'll push it all out.
My body needs building up and that's what I'm going to do. I don't know how, probably because of all the inner work I've done, but somehow I'm calm and I'm certain of what I'm going to do. I'm going to push through this pain barrier once and for all because it's too much to live with. I can't live with it anymore.
Love is the greatest power on earth. Pain is a close second, but I can't live with it anymore. Pain is deep and intense and I can feel it but it's sorrowful. It likes to take prisoners, but it's not taking me.
Maybe pain is the gateway to love? Darkness is the way to light?
I'm not quite sure what it will be like to live fully in the light. But in for a penny, in for a pound. I've always been extreme, and now it's time to feel the love. Fully, wholly and completely. I'm done with pain...... ~ And just like that, the pain in my body has gone!
Mmmmmm, that's a good start.
I can fully understand why there's such a high rate of suicides in the autistic community. We have to change that. We really do. But only we can do that. Nobody can do it for us. And we can't bend the world to meet our needs. We have to do that, as well. Somehow. I'll find a way. I'm finding the way. Maybe May will be my time to get back in the gym. I better start preparing.
Anyone else feeling like I am, hang in there, this too shall pass. Listening to mantras, is really helping me right now. I'm listening to Tibetan Buddhist and Gregorian Chants, right now, it's very beautiful. No words, just sounds, with meaning. I don't know what they mean but I know they mean good.
It's not easy, but as many have said on here, we are often compensated for what we haven't got or for what we can't do, and when we look at those things, from a solid standpoint, very few of us would trade what we have, for what we haven't got. And what we haven't got, we rarely value anyway. I think you know what I'm talking about.
We don't want to be part of that harsh cruel world of competition and material gains, for the sake of them. We're not made that way and I'll never be part of it. But that doesn't mean we can't achieve success in our own ways. It can just look kind of feeble, when compared with the Joneses sometimes, but then, comparison of any kind, is always a bad idea. So it's not about comparison. I can no sooner judge another person and their success as they can me and mine. We're all different. All of us. Not just us autistics, although we do tend to stand out for being rather unique ️
Yes, there's a very dark side to autism, as many of us know, but we can overcome it, I just know we can. I have to, because the pain and sorrow is too heavy for me to bear. The time has come for me to push through. But not in my usual manner, like a juggernaut gone crazy. I'm taking it slowly, as slowly as I can and when I go too quick, I am flooded with suicidal thoughts to slow me down and teach me a lesson. I'm finally learning from my mistakes, slowly but surely, and I'm putting my new awareness and what I'm learning into practice, slowly but surely. One baby step at a time.
Hello BlueRay, you are a lovely woman. And I need some to tell me off when I’m being grumpy. So please take care.
I read this quote the other day, "There are no strangers, only societies that create strangers”, Vincenzo Di Nicola. Don’t let others define you and please accept my warmest regards. Graham.
Thank you Graham. I graciously receive your warmest wishes, with gratitude.
I haven't heard that quote before but I know it's true. Even in churches, I thought I would find community, but they are some of the worst offenders at creating divisions, without even realising it, which I find astonishing.
When they repeat together, out loud, the Lord's Prayer, I want to tell them to stop, when they get to the part of forgiveness, because I know they have people they haven't forgiven or don't forgive, which means they should discontinue saying that prayer until they do.
Anyway, I'm taking care of myself. I'm not going to let my body suffer and I will come through this.
My parents have asked me to pick them up from the coast on Wednesday, so I think I'll take a slow drive over there on Tuesday, and enjoy the drive and the sea. The sea always does me good.
I know we can be a funny lot, but I do believe, that we are closer to our hearts than most people, which can be a double edged sword for some of us, but I don't think it has to be, I think we can find another way, by defining ourselves by who we are and not in comparison to others. Because look at the world ~ I don't think they always know better than us. We just need to find our voices and claim our places and we are, slowly.
I’m really sorry to hear that were all over the place last Thursday and not sleeping. Sleep deprivation is mental torture in itself, I’m glad that the doctor has given you some sleeping tablets. I’m glad too that you’re eating every day now and drinking as much as you can, self care is important. You do have the strength to over come this and you will do. The trick is always to transcend our troubles, however long it takes.
Thanks Kitsun. I’m feeling much better already. Today I had a leisurely day which really helped and the sleeping tablets did the trick. I only took them two nights running and that’s what I always do, and the doctors can see that from my medical records, I only use them when I am really desperate and yet they’ve been refusing to give me them for about two years which is really counter productive but for some reason they were obsessed with not giving them to me, I couldn’t get through to them or rather they just weren’t listening to me, thinking they knew best. Anyway, alls well that ends well and I’ve learned a lot from this latest episode and it has highlighted the absolute need for self care as the priority. I think I was still hanging on to the belief that if I somehow learn to understand myself better, I was suddenly going to become none autistic or something, which I think I have finally rid myself of. I’m starting to realise that this is me and no matter what I do, I’m never going to change that. Self acceptance has come to me in layers and I definitely feel more stable since this latest episode and it’s put self care back in its proper place, as my top priority. I can’t just wing it like a lot of people can and I simply must take life at my pace or face the consequences, and I know now that when I do push myself too much, it doesn’t put me any further forward and causes me a lot of grief and puts me in dangerous situations. So some good lessons were learned.
Take care of yourself BlueRay.
You are always in my thoughts and Although I might not be here to give you words of advice, please know you are never without me in a deeper soulful way.
I am so happy you are feeling a little better.
We go through cycles. One minute up as we learn more about who we are and accept ourselves just for that,
then the inevitable lows as we find new things that seek to unbalance us in some way.
We are kind loving soulful beings who reach out to others.
We also need time to recover and give ourselves time to recharge and carry on.
You continue to grow in self awareness and accept it completely, carry on but slowly. There is only good to learn and allowing ourselves to fully believe it and hold into it is a tricky one. X
Take care and keep me close as always.
Take care BlueRay. I don't have much of use to say I don't think but I shall be thinking of you, I've really appreciated the supportive words you've offered to me when I've posted about various things in the past. Not sleeping is hideous isn't it, I've only really started to have some issues with it this year and have found not being able to sleep well is such a disconcerting thing to experience.
I can identify with a lot of what you say, I've gone through some very dark times in the past year or so and although I like to think I am in a very slightly better place now in some ways, I still seem to have a feeling of great sorrow underpinning everything and feel like I have even more things to deal with post diagnosis than I did before. I don't really know how to proceed at this point so I'm just doing things that seem like good things to do and seeing where that takes me. I too have OCD and I think, at least in my case, it seems to take my already overloaded feeling, over analytical and over anxious mind and tangle things up even more, I get into such exhausting cycles of over thinking and rumination. I find this quite hard to put across to people I've spoken with about it as so many seem to look for very 'obvious' OCD traits, which I do have too to quite a great extent, but so much of mine seems to be to do with rumination at the moment. I really need to work on ways to get to a point where I can see my thoughts as things to just let be rather than things to react to.
I too find a Gregorian chant very soothing!
Hi Blueray, I intended to reply yesterday but I was really tired so had an early night instead. I’m glad you managed to have a leisurely day, your use of sleeping tablets sounds really careful, I’m usually very careful too with meditation like that, though I’ve been using Nytol a lot recently and it is every night at the moment but I’m pretty sure that it’s not too addictive or habit forming, I’m just finding at the moment that without it, It’s either taking me hours to get to sleep or I’ll get to sleep quickly if I’m really exhausted but then wake up again after an hour or two. The Nytol reduces getting to sleep time to an hour and even if I do wake up it’s only briefly as it’s easier to get back to sleep again. It’s so important to get enough sleep, I can really feel my brain function going if I start getting sleep deprived. Self care has to be an absolute priority for us.
I think we have an intrinsic needs to understand ourselves better but it doesn’t change us it does help us to know ourselves better though and through knowing ourselves better we can learn how to look after ourselves better. I think it is a big part of the process of self acceptance so hopefully you have gained something from the process? Definitely pace yourself, life is all about finding the right balance for you, don’t push yourself, if you need to rest then rest. You have no one to answer to other than yourself.
I'm currently there. I'm glad you are coming out of it to the other side. It shows there is hope for all of us.
Why I felt prone to suicide recently is the detachment in my case. An internalised feeling of isolation. That none actually understands you or ever could.
And the more you tell your story the less it matters.
There are many reasons for this that are linked to how autistic people process.
I have bored too many people to death and didn't know until their friend had rescued them. Leaving me a bit embarrassed.
This is why its a disability. And maybe why suicide is so high.
And it's not your fault.
Journaling for me has been a great benefit for me. It can be hard because my mind has always moved faster than my pen, I saw shorthand the other day and thought I must try that. I think so fast it feels like dyslexia. at this point, I don't even think about spelling just writing phonetically.
I stole the idea from Tim Ferris And would like you all to view his videos on youtube. This technique is the five-minute journal.
This helps me focus on what is important that day. I also write todos and diary notes in my journal.
in the morning I include
At night I write:
I'm glad you have a support worker. I have one too. Most great people have a personal assistant ;)
When I get pissed of I try and channel that energy into creating good. Like you have done in your post. Thank you.
Today I am going to write to my MP and Autism Oligarch < can think of the proper name and don't care.
The government has to by law improve the lives of people with autism. The autism act.
The autism guide directs them to make legal changes to help your life be better.
If you can either congratulate or prescribe a way that your life can be better please write them.
the guide is on the autism wedbsi
Thank you Lagrangianand I also like Tim Ferris's work.
I love what you said and I relate to all of it which is valuable and helpful ~ thank you. And yes, I think I will always have a support worker and why not, probably most people could do with one!
I really appreciate your support, thank you ~ keep up the good fight
Thank you Ruthieroo123 I not only appreciate your support but it also helps, probably more than you could know. It goes straight to my heart thank you X