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Empathy

Can'tThinkOfAName

Does anyone else find it really difficult to figure out how much empathy they have, and what empathy even means?

I would like to think that I care about other people - I want to support my friends and family and make them feel happy, I have very strong moral and political convictions about how I should act based on what I believe is best for others, and I absolutely do not want to do anything to hurt anyone. However, often people seem to define empathy as the ability to accurately interpret people's emotions, which I think I (and probably many of you) often struggle with.

I find it very difficult in the moment to understand what people are thinking and feeling based on social cues, body language etc. For example, sometimes in conversation I can infodump about what I'm thinking about before realising that I should probably be asking the other person how they're doing. Sometimes I even do or say things that upset people and only realise this after the fact, but when I do become aware of it I feel devastated. I think in response to this I've developed the habit of worrying constantly about how I'm making other people feel, and I tend to be quite reserved and passive when I'm meeting people out of fear of getting things wrong, but this in turn can put a strain on relationships.

I've taken a couple of different online "empathy tests" and they give very contradictory results - Simon Baron-Cohen's "Empathy Quotient" test in particular gives me a low result "consistent with people on the autism spectrum" whereas other tests give me a fairly high score.

Does anyone else have similar experiences? If you have any advice about what you can do effectively to understand other people better then please let me know. I almost wish sometimes that people could say in simple terms "I am feeling abc and I would appreciate it if you did xyz for me" but I know this isn't always how people behave.

Parents

  • My general feeling is that if someone wants to tell me how they are feeling then they should express themselves.  It is never wise to guess, or assume, basing those assumptions on how you'd feel if you were them in a given scenario.  Things don't play out that way.

    Similarly expressions people make can be misleading.  You might think you saw something or associate a look with an emotion when another individual uses the same expression for something else entirely. 

    In this place people often make introductions and give some insight into their situations or a current problem.  In doing so they might explain how they are feeling, or be in a position that is familiar.  I guess I've said that I empathise or even sympathise with some.  

    I'd be inclined to go with Baron-Cohen's test result rather than any other, simply because I hold him in greater esteem due to his great experience.  Just my view. 

    I don't think anyone likes the thought of being bereft of empathy, so when you think about it - probably too much - it can be a concern.  Isn't it enough to empathise with the fact that the OP is in a (generalised) unfortunate situation without having to actually add full detail for full empathetic experience here?   

    I think you instinctively know if you care or not, and you shouldn't need to measure it.   If we find we are saying 'I empathise with your situation' are we just repeating the phrase or do we truly mean it?  Only we know.  My feeling is that quite often we are trying to be kind & sparing the feelings of others as we believe that is what others need to hear.   I accept, not always. 


    By the way, I empathise with the fact you couldn't think of a name when you joined this forum! 

Reply

  • My general feeling is that if someone wants to tell me how they are feeling then they should express themselves.  It is never wise to guess, or assume, basing those assumptions on how you'd feel if you were them in a given scenario.  Things don't play out that way.

    Similarly expressions people make can be misleading.  You might think you saw something or associate a look with an emotion when another individual uses the same expression for something else entirely. 

    In this place people often make introductions and give some insight into their situations or a current problem.  In doing so they might explain how they are feeling, or be in a position that is familiar.  I guess I've said that I empathise or even sympathise with some.  

    I'd be inclined to go with Baron-Cohen's test result rather than any other, simply because I hold him in greater esteem due to his great experience.  Just my view. 

    I don't think anyone likes the thought of being bereft of empathy, so when you think about it - probably too much - it can be a concern.  Isn't it enough to empathise with the fact that the OP is in a (generalised) unfortunate situation without having to actually add full detail for full empathetic experience here?   

    I think you instinctively know if you care or not, and you shouldn't need to measure it.   If we find we are saying 'I empathise with your situation' are we just repeating the phrase or do we truly mean it?  Only we know.  My feeling is that quite often we are trying to be kind & sparing the feelings of others as we believe that is what others need to hear.   I accept, not always. 


    By the way, I empathise with the fact you couldn't think of a name when you joined this forum! 

Children
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