Wanting to be 'normal' - self-love and embracing who we are

I'm 20 and have felt this way throughout most of my life. Now I feel slightly different, but that feeling never really goes away. I think of all the positive elements, my eccentric personality, inquisitive mind and a different perspective on life.

Even while thinking about all the positives, I still feel hindered. I feel that if I could magic away certain traits and keep others, I would be highly capable. 

I was interested in learning to drive, but realized how overwhelming it is. As a passenger I get intrusive thoughts about a disaster or a crash occurring. I tried receiving lessons but got an impatient and rude instructor. This didn't put me off it all together, there were stronger factors.

There are so many things to focus on that others can easily do. When to stop, what to constantly look out for, to be focused at all times is exhausting.  It can make me feel behind all my peers, which something I've felt throughout my childhood. Out of tune with everyone else. 

(This is in response to someone's post but I'm posting it fully to help others not feel alone if they feel like this).

I used to hope that I would wake up one day and be cured. I would wonder how good that would feel, being 'normal'. I also realise that autism, ADHD and other terms are simply words used to describe a set of characteristics and help categorise and understand people's differences. 

I know that these terms are used to perpetuate stereotypes, which are often demoralising and can impact our self-esteem. Films and TV shows showing a small part of the neurodivergent spectrum, making us feel even more invalidated, since we do not fit these pre-conceived ideas. Internally struggling, but no one seeing it can be tough. 

[A glimmer of hope]

For context, the friend I was with mentioned below is not diagnosed but I can sense something lol. He himself believes he has ADHD, but I think he's also autistic. I'm diagnosed autistic and believe I had ADHD too. 

I was out at a bar with a friend when two women approached us, initially asking me to take a photo of them. They then approached a second time, one of them asking if we were neurodivergent. I was shocked but also fascinated. I thought I blended in perfectly. Whenever I tell people I get the usual 'wow I would not have guessed'. I asked her how she could tell and she responded by saying that we looked 'very happy stood outside' (keep in mind the music inside was extremely loud). 

One of them had an autistic husband and suspected that she herself has ADHD, this then led to a great interaction about neurodivergence, rejection sensitive dysphoria, insecurities in men and women, and life in general. 

I wanted to share this for people to see that small changes are happening. I never would have expected someone in person to be so confident in approaching me with a very straight to the point question. The fact that I could have responded in a way that would embarrass her had she had been wrong highlights to me that she was certain I was also neurodivergent. This helped me to feel less invisible. It showed me that by putting myself out there and being open is more likely to generate positivity than completely hermitizing altogether. 

There is nothing about who I am that needs a cure. There are others out there who are like me. I am not less of a person because I struggle to interact with other people whose neurology is different to mine. If the majority of people were like us, then the so called 'neurotypicals' would need a diagnosis for not being able to understand autistic people. Workplaces are slowly but surely becoming more familiar with neurodiversity and making reasonable adjustments. 

While everyone is different and it's a spectrum, it's nice to feel validated by other people who are not neurotypical.