So how long does this "acceptance" sh*t take then?

You extend the metaphor VERY appropriately.

On a broader, "off topic" tributary of thought....I have come to understand that I can communicate my truth (with clarity,) best, via metaphor.

First we accept ourselves.

They we find love for ourselves as we are.

Then we forgive everyone else and let them off the hook.

Now I prescribe for you some binaural sound therapy you can do on your own. Use headphones, flat EQ settings.

Here's a link.

Try it out of an afternoon and see if it doesn't help.

– before you play this - install an ad blocker extension to your browser! It needs to not be interrupted!. – and DONT do it while driving!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fps2bqFV5nM&ab_channel=GoodVibes-BinauralBeats

binaural sound therapy has helped me enormously.

You can also buy these. The Monroe Institute in Virginia has been working with autistic people for decades. they are the ones who first developed the binaural therapy. – (aside from Mongolian throat singers and pacific islander's choral traditions.)

I will attach a screen shot of the extension I use on Firefox, but there are ad blockers for all browsers.

I like the puzzle metaphor.

sometimes the box is missing or there is no picture to refer to!

It's a grieving process.

Denial, bargaining, anger, depression and acceptance. And not necessarily in that order. 

I'm 8 months in, and no two days are the same. I'm starting to unmask a little. And I'm trying to be kinder to myself and take one day at a time. I do worry about my future though. 

I wish you well x

Tulip52 said:

I am making an effort to connect with other neurodiverse people.

Just for info x

Its hard! I am making an effort to connect with other neurodiverse people. These are who i want to be with. 

I have been coming to terms with being Autistic and having ADHD, for the past 16 months. Its a relief, but its still hard. One step forward, two steps back. No 2 days the same. Some good, some not so good.  I do definatly see the wirld differently, i have realised. So we have to find what is "right" for us, what is good for us. Tired, and overwhelmed. What should i do? Where should i go? The feeling of not belonging has been with me all my life. So swimming is good for me. I go alone from chouce. In the water i feel nothing. Sleep is lovely. Not depressed, despite being orescribed Antidepressants all my adult life. They just numb evetything. Dealing with lifes challenges is exhausting. 

Having said all this, i have reached acceptance and dropped my mask which is liberating. Inner peace, i feel sometimes. I cant battle anymore. Im 60! 10 years off 70! 

Make effort for what you recognise is good for you.

Whats it all about? 

I think we can be our own therapist. There are no quick fixes. Tired, tired, tired x

Orange juice and vit C in general are good for stopping a whitey, or at least leaving you managebly stoned. I find cannabis helps me too, one of the best things for me is that unlike other drugs you can decide just how much you need at a time. Being allergic to all pain meds except paracetamol, the stuff is a life saver.

A will to win is a bit of a luxury to my mind, to my miind acceptance is better, constant striving is exhausting and so many people are never content no matter how much they achieve.

JamesB, I was 50 when diagnosed, no diagnosis or type of drug is going to make you instantly better, or certainly not for anything more complicated than a headache. For me diagnosis gave me a starting place in yet another round of trying to fix myself and I realised that I was fixed, but that I needed some internal adjustments. I stopped trying to "be like everyone else" and just started being fully and authentically me, I dropped my masks, maybe a bit to quickly, as I had to look at each one and find out what they were for, now I can pick them up and put them on according to the situation, but most of the time I choose not too.

I think the inner peace comes from acceptance, acceptance of who you are and acceptance of others being who they are and not being attached to outcomes you have no control over. It's not easy, it's hard, you've had 48 years of being this person who thinks they're not ASD, now you've had 4 months of being the same person but with ASD, don't you think you're being a bit hard on yourself? Accepting isn't the same as giving up, it knowing that the path you thought you were following has sort of petered out and you have some new paths diverging from it and you get to choose which one to take. I can't tell you what the paths are, they're you're paths and you have to explore them for yourself.

Finding some (or being given some) missing pieces to a jigsaw puzzle and just putting them in the box with the other pieces, doesn't enable a picture to emerge.

There is work to be done, if you want to see the picture.  Sometimes, after that work, you find that the emergent picture is nonsensical, upsetting or plain boring!......but perhaps you are looking at the picture upside down or sideways....perhaps there is too much "glare" on the glossy surface, and you need to change the lighting......perhaps you just hate jigsaws !

Stuff takes time.

Like you, I wanted an instant solution, or at least to be directed quickly to the right path to find the answer(s.)  My personal experience suggests that "time" is the right path.....but it isn't the easy one!!

You make a VERY important point in your post......that as time ticks by, things can definitely get harder before they get easier.  I hope you can find the stamina and fortitude to keep going on your quest for an "easier/better" life.

I wish you well JamesB.

Antidepressants don't work for me either.  I think Depression for many autists is natural response to our circumstances rather than a chemical imbalance. I think our entire culture is predicated on blaming the individual for their own faults.

Also at some point in the last few centuries this idea that people are meant to be deliriously happy took hold. I'm not sure about that as a concept either.

Bunny said:

Speaking in general terms, I tried very hard to find the right antidepressant for myself, but failed to find one that fitted my needs and/or didn't cause intolerable issues with side effects. I'm currently finding good benefit from medical cannabis, so this might be something to consider if you haven't yet done so.

Initially, I got all the unwanted side effects from cannabis when I started using it, but it still helped me be more sanguine and stay out of trouble. 

It can be scary adn frignetening on occasion, being stoned, but at lest with cannabis, no one has actually been able to O/D on it yet, so the (100% effectve) antidote to any bad effects for me is to simply lie down and sleep it off.

It DOES reduce your "will to win", which in trun translates directly into a refusal to accept stress or any of the other other forms of NT bull-puckey which is both good and bad, but certanily is a change I see in most if not all regular cannabis users.

Now I need my hands, this bifta won't roll itself...

Yikes Mr T. That sounds very much like a case of unfair/illegal treatment. My employer is a big company forever blowing various trumpets about the efforts they go to to support racial, gender, physical diversity in the workplace. Despite claiming the same for neurodiversity they really are a bit clueless. I am walking a bit of a tightrope between carrying on, and pushing them to act on their words. It sadly boils down to what it might cost them to 'accommodate', versus retiring off troublemakers.

I appreciate that it may not seem like much in the way of consolation, but it can be entirely normal for us late-diagnosed adults to feel more emotionally dysregulated in the periods following our diagnosis than we did beforehand. There's some info about that here: 

Common reactions to receiving an autism diagnosis

Rather than overwhelm you with a long reading list, I'd like to just recommend two books that I found (and am still finding) very useful in the immediate aftermath of my own diagnosis.

JamesB said:

Those long-cherished hopes of finding the right therapy

For this, I strongly recommend The Autistic Survival Guide to Therapy - Paperback - 21 Feb 2024 - by Steph Jones

"In this candid, witty and insightful exploration into therapy, Steph Jones uses her professional and lived experiences as a late diagnosed autistic woman and therapist, as well as consulting therapists from across the world and tapping into the autistic community, to create the ultimate autistic survival guide to therapy."

This helped me to request and obtain counselling (rather than therapy such as CBT, which I'd tried previously) with an ND-experienced counsellor. Unlike previous efforts, I'm finding this very helpful - which is not to say that other types of therapy can't / won't help you or others - we're all wonderfully different :) 

But I should also add that I wasn't yet ready, at four months post diagnosis, to start it. I very intentionally waited a little longer until I felt that my internal turmoil (including anger, frustration, etc) had calmed down enough that I could approach it in a constructive and focused enough way. 

For general tips around various aspects of life and work that are presented in a very easy-to-read, pick and mix format, I recommend Self-Care for Autistic People: 100+ Ways to Recharge, De-Stress, and Unmask! - Hardcover - 25 April 2024 - by Dr. Megan Anna Neff. 

JamesB said:

the right antidepressant to 'sort me out'

I been chasing this goal myself recently. The rules here (rightly) don't allow us to offer medical advice and direct us instead to recommend seeking professional advice. Speaking in general terms, I tried very hard to find the right antidepressant for myself, but failed to find one that fitted my needs and/or didn't cause intolerable issues with side effects. I'm currently finding good benefit from medical cannabis, so this might be something to consider if you haven't yet done so.

For me, my diagnosis turned out to be much more of a starting point than a solution-rich conclusion. It's a journey - and my post-diagnosis reactions have settled down a lot, some 10 months or so later.

I hope that some, at least, of these reflections and suggestions might be helpful for you. 

Forget "acceptance" you'll never get it. Try "servitude" instead.

Because, when my Autistic Army is fully formed and operational we will MAKE THEM SERVE US!!!

Nothing else will do. 

The key (maybe only true) advantage really to the diagnosis is certainty about why you struggle, why most public environments are disabling to you while most actively thrive in them etc. And then letting it give you permission to stop making unfair comparisons or trying to fit in. It lets you start getting cleverer about what you will and won't do, how you will interact, letting go of guilt over needing rest and recovery that an NT prson might see as laziness etc. A thousand things will subtly change for you in time, but the basic fact of 'this world will not change overnight for me' remains in place. Depending on how open you want to be about being autistic, you may find that it gets you greater accommodation and understanding from some, though certainly not all, colleagues, friends, services, etc. For me that biggest thing was feeling validated by an official 'diagnosis', as my self-esteem wouldn't let me claim the identity for myself without external confirmation. For others, self-diagnosis works for them. The destination is the same. No magic bullet 'solution' (or, hopefully, desire for one - after all that's just conformity), but everything makes more sense and that's kind of priceless.. isn't it? 

Sorry I cannot answer your query fully. I was diagnosed over a year ago now. I struggled with grief, yes I did say that, of what's and if's in my previous life. Just like grief it takes time to reframe your life past and present with regards to autism. I still do not fully accept it and frequently suffer from periods of impostor syndrome. I am currently struggling with work. I am in a holding position whilst my manager tries to force me out by making out I am incapable of doing the job I have done for the last 30 years.. My autism and the fact that I had the audacity to ask for reasonable adjustments, is being used against me.

I wish you the best of luck in your quest. Be kind to yourself there is a lot to process for us late diagnosed adults. There is no real support to guide you except places like here.

Yes there is no cure for autism and simple diagnosis won't make you feel any better.

if you were upset with your life before diagnosis, you very likely still be upset with your life after it.

Don't expect too much from yourself.