Published on 12, July, 2020
How do you cope with the massively overthinking and panicking after speaking to people?! I much prefer in person connection rather than online (ironically lol) but when I speak to people it comes out the wrong way, I accidentally probably offend people without meaning to, I overthink and overthink and overthink every single thing I said and wishing I hadn’t said it and wishing I hadn’t opened my mouth and hating myself so much and feeling so embarrassed and just wishing the ground would swallow me hole. I just hate myself. When I talk, it never comes out how I mean for it to. Or people misunderstand, or often I end up skipping loads of context out of what I say because I have half the conversation in my head not realising I haven’t said it out loud so people do not have context and therefore it can come out in the wrong way. I just want to hide. For the most part I love being autistic and my most authentic autistic self but in moments like this I just wish I wasn’t like this. I wish my brain would not overthink and panic to the extent it is. I feel like crying all because of one tiny comment I made which I am panicking came across in the wrong way. When in reality I don’t even know if anyone misinterpreted it in the way that I think they may have done. They probably aren’t even thinking about it. Yet I cannot sleep because of it.
Does anyone else get this? I feel so terrible about myself. I am trying so hard to rationalise and mentally talk to myself about how no one probably is even thinking about it or even noticed anything but it is not helping to calm me down. Sometimes I wish I just went back to not speaking like I was before I unmasked. It’s like now I am completely unmasked I cannot and do not know how to go back to masking. I feel ashamed,
AutismRox said:often I end up skipping loads of context out of what I say because I have half the conversation in my head
Oh yes, I know that one.
If you are looking for advice I was very much like this in my 20s when I started my career in IT and it took me a while to work out that having a job where I was pretty frequently on the phone to people talking them through stuff that needed fixing (I used to cover support of Asia and Europe for the bank I worked in) with people who had a modest understanding of English - that tring to script the conversation was a collosal waste of time because it never went in the direction I had anticipated.
Once you can develop some self confidence that you know enough about your subject matter and are willing to refocus on the here and now instead of trying to work out the branch of your scripted conversation then you are going to be much better at being present enough to have a coherent conversation.
The pivot away from preparing and considering all the alternate branches of conversation saves so much energy just on its own that you can relax into the coversation and take time to notice the other peoples body language and other visual clues we often miss.
I moved from being the unconfident, geeky support guy to managing a team of 26 staff within 2 years by doing it this way. It allows so much more to be delivered by your brain with the same effort that it is scary.
Learning to do it may need a therapist or coach who understands autism well - I self studied with books (this was the 1990s so not much useful internet) but it was hard work with much trial and error (and a few upset customers).
Yeah, I do a lot of this stuff, and I'm not that bothered by what people think of me, it's like talking to people and being with them, sets off some kind of routine and I don't know how to turn it off, it used to be much worse when I'd had alcohol, and it's a good effect of not drinking anymore. I'm lucky that I don't see many people, but I will probably go for a dog walk with a couple of friends later or tomorrow so the gibbering and tweeting will start all over again.
Try not to care.
If people don't get you, they don't get you. Some will.
Not caring relaxes you.
Once you are relaxed and happy in yourself you can start to add a bit of care and consideraion again.
Although I have a tendency to ruminate and over-analyse conversations, I have found that it really isn't worth panicking to the extent that I lose sleep. Yes, I know this can be easier said than done.
I tend to work on the principle that if I have said something in conversation that has resulted in confusion, upset, etc, then the other person will tell me soon enough. In my experience, I have found that if people are confused or bothered by something I have said, enough for it to be an issue for them, they tend to make a point of telling me.
I have mixed experiences with this. I get it a lot less now but there's always a degree of "how did I come across?".
If I'm having what feels like a proper, two-way conversation I'll always give it as much as I can, because I don't feel I have anything to lose.