Published on 12, July, 2020
I'm a teacher, a father and I am autistic.
I'm lucky to have my partner, as she has been my rock and we share a lot of interests, but some of my interests, I find incredibly difficult to relay to others full stop let alone her.
Some of my BIG interests include: Bionicle, Minecraft, classic Yu-Gi-Oh, Pokemon and MTG. I love nature, gardening is a growing interest of mine, and I'm a big gamer.
So what is the issue? As I've gotten older, I've become lonely. I'm unable to make friends or be social. I'm anxious and find most of my nights are filled with regret over the friends I havent made over the years. I used to have a best friend, but my trust has been shattered and I've found befriending people very difficult since then. This coupled with my social anxiety and ASD has made it near impossible to make friends. As time goes on I find myself becoming more and more lonely.
It's as if despite how lucky I am, I just can't find people to connect with or befriend.
Any advice anyone has would be appreciated. Anyone who wants to talk about anything, you're all welcome too.
Hi Adam,
I’m sorry to hear that you feel lonely. I was wondering if your interest in gardening might be a way in to meeting people. Depending on where you live, you might be able to find a conservation volunteering group. It might not be the right group but it might just be a way in to taking that leap of faith to getting sociable and combating the loneliness. I think loneliness happens when you can’t access the right people - by that I mean the people that you connect with, that you feel understand you and you can only find them if you go looking. If you can find the courage to step out of your comfort zone and also to be prepared to get it wrong at first but still continue to look I am sure you’ll find your people. Know that it’s ok to make mistakes and look foolish. It gets harder before it gets easier. Remember, you have every right to take up space in the world and every right to find friends - they are out there. It just takes a lot of courage to find them!
Hi. Thank you for the lovely response. My issue with getting into a gardening group would be if I develop a hyper fixation on one kind of plant, people lose interest. I have to be honest, I don't think anyone outside of my partner understands me and even then she understands 1% of who I am, because the rest I struggle to find a way to express it.
I appreciate your advice, genuinely, I just don't even know where to begin.
I do understand where you're coming from. I was lonely as a child and into early adulthood and had some 'friends' but they felt very alien to me (or me to them) I was often mute - afraid to speak really, in case I said something shocking without realising, so it always felt like a huge risk. Then at other times when I wanted to speak, the words would not come out of my mouth which was really frustrating, or they would come out 10 minutes too late when the conversation had moved on! It's not easy but the most important thing is to somehow try to stop predicting the future - to stop imagining what might go 'wrong.' 'What if' is the question to stop asking. Also, somehow to remember that it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks of you. You're not here to please other people and to be acceptable to them. You are perfectly fine as you are and if some people don't like it that's their business and doesn't mean that you're bad or wrong. Your partner found you/ loves you, and that's proof that there's something good about you. Focus on the good things about you, not the things that other people might not like. This has worked for me - I have genuine friends, some who understand me more than others - I don't expect them all to. You're not to blame for your situation. Society expects people to be and behave in a particular way. Maybe joining a group is quite a big leap, so start smaller - talk to someone you wouldn't usually talk to, maybe ask a shop assistant a question if that would be a challenge. Obviously you're not going to make friends with shop assistants but it's a step in the right direction in risking unpredictable conversations with people and unpredictable reactions. Also remember that how you feel today isn't forever. Wishing you a lot of luck with this!
Thank you for this. I'm going to try some of the things you've suggested. Starting small sounds like a good obvious first step for me, thank you again.