Published on 12, July, 2020
I will jump straight in as I don't know how else to start this. This is a desperate plea really. My wonderful partner off 34 years is becoming ill both physically and mentally through trying to live with me.
I have always been unpredictable in mood and behaviour though never intentionally abusive. My partner has in the past though, stated that she has suffered emotional abuse from me and continues to do so. When we were younger and more resilient and we had more life to look forward to I think we managed our problems to a degree and we were able to get over any upsets quickly. We had a child and whether that has been the main reason we have stayed together we don’t know.
I relied on alcohol as a coping mechanism for all my adult life but have been sober 12 years now. I always worked but always struggled whatever the work environment. I have lived most of my life as an undiagnosed autistic person.
About three years ago I had a diagnosis of both ADHD and autism. You might think that this would be a help. For me it has been. I have an understanding of why things have been difficult for me. I am certain that had I known in my youth that I was ADHD/Autistic I would have decided to stay single. However what now is a huge problem is that for my partner, her fears have been confirmed and she feels hopeless and scared. Although the diagnosis explained a lot she fears that because of my autism I am unable to change, unable to be empathetic, unable to be relied upon. She feels isolated and alone and scared. As she becomes more anxious and fearful and distrustful, I fail to notice straight away how she suffers and depending on my mindset at the time, I don’t/can’t respond in the appropriate way. We end up having really upsetting arguments. We both feel so misunderstood.
What makes this so desperate is that I will be 67 in a couple of days and my partner is 74 and we are getting old and we don’t have the wherewithal and energy to change things eg living apart.
As I said this is a plea to anyone out there who might be able to offer some advice. To anyone experiencing similar problems. Any neurotypical partners who can lend some support to my long suffering partner. Anything from anyone would be appreciated.
Hello John,
I am replying to your post as this is the reason I found this forum. Almost 2 years ago, I met the most wonderful human being on earth, after a couple of months, things started to feel 'different'. I became distressed as I did not understand what was happening. He had told me his son had Asperger's and I never made the link. After breaking up a few times, I realised that he was probably on the spectrum himself and brought the idea to him. He is coming to terms with the fact that he probably is somewhere on the spectrum. I educated myself on the subject, reading a few books on autism and relationships with people on the spectrum. They helped , but i found that it is sometimes difficult to match the books with reality but it is never as clear and straight forward. But I want to work hard on our relationship because the love is there and as long as it is there, the relationship will be worth fighting for.
I am sorry that I am not helping , I just wanted to say that I understand your wife , and that there are wonderful books that can help her if she is willing to read them. I also feel you should write to her, if she read the message you have written, she could be able to feel how much you care for her. I also suggest some time apart, we ahve just spent one week away from each other and I have found that it helped.
Good luck to you both