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Can anybody relate to this?

NAS93140
1 month ago

I’m very confused about who I am and want to know if any Autistic people relate to any of my traits/behaviours. 


I’m a 35 year old woman, in a happy long term relationship, good job and have a large social circle and enjoy social events. However I’ve always felt like I’m “not being myself” and always obsessed over personality type quizzes to try and find out who I am, always searched for the solution, yet never found it. More recently I’ve thought maybe something bad happened in my past that I don’t know about, and that is why I didn’t feel right and felt different - however nothing proves this point.

I’ve recently become fascinated in researching into late diagnosis of autism in women. I possess many traits of autism and masking, however I don’t (that I know of) have any problems with eye contact or interacting with people - this makes me question whether I am or not. To save going into too much detail I’ve bulleted below some of my current and past traits and behaviours. Some of these I’ve always just thought are weird or was just something I do so I’d love to hear if anybody else has had similar experiences.

  • I regularly practice a joke or something to say in advance, even amongst those I’m most comfortable with.
  • When I was younger (and still now to some extent) I would get obsessed with older girls. Not in a sexual way. But I’d be so very interested in their friendship groups and how they interact with each other.
  • I’ve always felt the need to be “cared for” and that I need looking after but unsure why. Always searched for a sort of big sister role - I regularly imagine and re-enact these type of interactions in my head with people I do and don’t know. Not sure if this is just weird or something others do.
  • Much prefer reading instructions than to a tutorial video - find these very difficult.
  • Don’t enjoy watching TV and find it difficult to concentrate or understand the plot of films. Subtitles help. However love reading and can become fully engrossed in a book.
  • When I was a teenager I set up fake social media accounts for no harmful intention other than to interact with others and introduce my real self to others through fake accounts.
  • It completely overwhelms and panics me to get a call from a number I don’t recognise and I would never answer. Also wouldn’t answer to a number I do know who doesn’t regularly call or if I weren’t expecting their call.
  • I smile inappropriately at things that really aren’t funny or when somebody lightly accuses me of something, making me look like I’m lying when I’m not.
  • Completing daily tasks is stressful, I have to think about the order and durations throughout the day of what I’m going to do when I get home - have a shower, make tea etc. Someone else suggesting to go out last minute can feel overwhelming if I already have an order in my head.
  • I shut down and am very sensitive to shouting.
  • I love detailed planning and will plan and research for hours on end.
  • I forever daydream, imagine and make up fictional stories within my head.

The above are just a select through that have a personal impact on me, however there are more traits that are fitting. I’d be grateful to learn of others experiences.

 

Parents
  • 1 month ago

    Hi NAS 93140

    Things that usually indicate autism, that you experience, include:

    Difficulty with verbal communication (including rehearsing conversations/jokes)

    Strong/special interests (including researching for hours on end)

    Routine driven (needing to plan)

    Need for predictability (disliking unexpected events, unable to change tasks suddenly)

    Hypersensitivity (to noise, smells, bright lights, etc)

    Difficulty with learning by imitation (visual learner)

    Difficulty interpreting and displaying typical non-verbal behaviour (including inappropriate facial expressions or body language)

    Other common signs of autism are:

    Noticing details & patterns

    Stimming

    Difficulty with reading facial expressions / recognising people

    Difficulty making friends, maintaining relationships.

    One thing that might flag you up as "not autistic" to someone assessing you is that you say you have a large social circle and enjoy social events. That's unusual for autistic people who post on this forum. You might want to examine that side of your personality more - do you really enjoy those events, or have you convinced yourself that you do to "fit in"? What places do you socialise in, or do you spend time with friends at your house or theirs, where there are no crowds of strangers and you can control the environment in terms of music levels, lighting, etc?I

    I'm also interested in "personality quizzes" and remember doing the colours one where I worked some years back. I came out almost equally red (determined) and blue (analytical) 

    One thing I've noticed is that since I stopped masking and decided to just be myself, it's been easier to develop friendships, Although I still don't have really close friendships, apart from my partner - just a few people at work I get on well with.

Reply
  • 1 month ago

    Hi NAS 93140

    Things that usually indicate autism, that you experience, include:

    Difficulty with verbal communication (including rehearsing conversations/jokes)

    Strong/special interests (including researching for hours on end)

    Routine driven (needing to plan)

    Need for predictability (disliking unexpected events, unable to change tasks suddenly)

    Hypersensitivity (to noise, smells, bright lights, etc)

    Difficulty with learning by imitation (visual learner)

    Difficulty interpreting and displaying typical non-verbal behaviour (including inappropriate facial expressions or body language)

    Other common signs of autism are:

    Noticing details & patterns

    Stimming

    Difficulty with reading facial expressions / recognising people

    Difficulty making friends, maintaining relationships.

    One thing that might flag you up as "not autistic" to someone assessing you is that you say you have a large social circle and enjoy social events. That's unusual for autistic people who post on this forum. You might want to examine that side of your personality more - do you really enjoy those events, or have you convinced yourself that you do to "fit in"? What places do you socialise in, or do you spend time with friends at your house or theirs, where there are no crowds of strangers and you can control the environment in terms of music levels, lighting, etc?I

    I'm also interested in "personality quizzes" and remember doing the colours one where I worked some years back. I came out almost equally red (determined) and blue (analytical) 

    One thing I've noticed is that since I stopped masking and decided to just be myself, it's been easier to develop friendships, Although I still don't have really close friendships, apart from my partner - just a few people at work I get on well with.

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