Published on 12, July, 2020
You 4 have shown me extraordinary help and while I do trust most Autistic people as far more genuine than most neurotypical people (due to communication issues) I am trying to understand something that as a psychology major drop out(Major knowledge yet little experience understanding myself) I took several tests for Autism. If TLTR Skip to 3(appreciated if you don't though)I've only recently begun to understand everyone's wasted energy and time to care about what I say. I have so much to say. I am trying to get it out respectfully. I appreciate all the help as I should not be alive by any mathematical standard so I CAN'T even figure my existence out. I live as a literal dichotomy with NT perception nearly as great as ND but without communication, they lose all understanding so I can't fight back because no amount of logic or reason beats down raw idiot emotion.1) The first was 4 years ago, it was a psychiatric test. I came back at 89% chance I was Autistic. For 2 more years I ignored it even though I knew I was.2) I took two more tests in the subsequent years another 87% the final 100%. The final one caught my eye because it gave an assessment of both neurotypical and neurodivergent traits.3) Rating worked as follows. It was a decagon(I didn't know this term it means 10 sided.) Divided 2 ways, 5 on each side representing 5 factors divided left and right between Neurotypical/Neurodivergent between Talent, Perception, Communication, Relationship,Social.4) This test is accredited but I do not remember where I took it. I saved the decagon(10, I still get lost beyond Hexegon) in the 5 traits on the neurotypical side I'm absent in all but 2.5) Perception is rated 8.7 neurotypical and 10.0 in neurodivergent. This is my issue. Communicating with NT's is a 0.08 out of 10. I can understand how they think but I cannot communicate with them.6) I understand why I am both so frustrated and have tried to harm and end myself so many times now. I don't know how to respond to this. I observe it every day and I cannot change it.6.5) (Edited and important) (If anyone can explain this, I will be beyond thankful. Am I an idiot except by perception in the NT world? It would explain alot. On the flip side, am I a genius when I communicate with people like me? This test I remember was one of I think 5 my US Government uses. I know stating that probably hurts me more than it helps. I don't know where to base my perception, I drain everything to understand them if I try to think like them BUT I am most happy ignoring ALL of them and living in my world which is mostly Anime, RPGs, Music, Poetry/Writing and Hard Sciences ALL of which have no interaction with real people if one is gifted enough that either they can make a living doing it. (I just shot a bullet in my theory but still want to hear the truth of what I cannot see.) I am so damn lost and have suffered more than most soldiers do in combat. Please read the next sentence. I am not stating this for pity as I have no friends or family, I have nothing to gain except help.I am covered in so many scars from so many fatalistic attempts that I look like Frankenstein's monster. I need to figure out how to be who I am because as I stated before, stopped stimming at 16/started cuttingmyself at 16, started threatening suicide at 17(I told my mother and step father I'd kill myself if they made me go back to 11th grade then went to college and took the whole 5 exams back to back x5, passed them all before my HS students graduated) and by 24 attempted it.7) I don't know how to fix my problems, I have the intellect and understanding but I am trapped in my mind without communication. (7.5) DWYT nothing below relevant to the advice and help I'm asking for.8) I don't want to create two threads and with this I have. So if I am taking up too much space, can this thread be moved to my other one? This is a 180 degree separate topic so I don't know how I should post it.9) Any answers from you guys and gals and anyone else is greatly appreciated. Writing this was as exhaustive as you all reading it so I TRULY appreciate it.
Yours looks a great deal like mine, save the social and communication on mine which are ever so slightly more balanced. I like this test very much as it's graphic, not numbers, which I get lost in. I don't have the link any more. Perhaps if you could provide it? We could post here (if we are comfortable with that).
I am thankful for all of you. I apologize for only posting one message as you have clearly seen I can explain many things at once then it really takes me awhile to respond because there is so much I don't even want to burden you all with. I apologize if I came off as suicidal as I am not. I simply cannot explain my history and the things that have led me to where I am without mentioning what led me to the brink and the physical consequences that continue to plague me to this day.I have read all of your responses and I take them into deep consideration, I just don't have the energy to respond fully at this time. When I do I will, again like my first post where I stated please come back 5,6,7 days from now, I simply only function in bursts of complete understanding then bursts of total paralysis while having to deal with things I'd rather not burden any of you with ever.Uhane I can get the site you request within the next few days or Pixiefox also posted from the same test, maybe she knows? I am interested to see yours and one way or another I'll find it in the next week because I really want to see what yours is Uhane. If I remember correctly, this test was 120 5 bullet questions and is a real scientific test as I never bothered with anything less as it's a waste of everyone's time.Desmond79 you always have something wise to say.. I have lived as a hermit for 5 years (Stoicism) so I think we come from similar places of understanding. Thank you.Pixiefox, at some point I want to respond to you in more depth because you posted the same exact test. I read what you wrote, really perceptive picking up on how I said my government which is currently run by a corpse which means I lose credibility revealing I'm in the US. That is interesting because it confirms your test results on extreme perception of other Autistic people. It's even more interesting that you and I are practically inverse in communication which makes sense as to why NT's would look to you for talent and perception since you have those attributes as ND yet can communicate it to them in NT.I on the other hand have the ability to perceive them (understand, study, comprehend) yet when it comes to communicating with them every time they interrupt my 3-4th word because they'd rather talk than listen, I lose my train of thought and give up.I can't communicate it with them because I speak in info dumps and if they interrupt me they cut off the next 5 sentences It's kind of like if two chess players had people talking in there ear as they try to think 5 moves ahead, the frustration is toxic.Thank you to the two Mod's, I am thankful for the concern but many of the sites like 988/Samaritan's are utterly useless. They don't help and you're lucky to get one paragraph of your problems off while trying to explain why they don't understand how you're trying to communicate, then get offended and hang up on you.I reiterate again, not aggressively suicidal(passive which is probably most Autistic people as a 2022 Australian Government Study found was the leading cause of death for us), apologies if it came off that way, I would not recommend any US hotlines for suicide to anyone on this site as they do not work and I will provide the proof if you guys want me to explain how they function and why they fail.