Lack of understanding from friends and family

My mother is similar. I recently told her I think I'm autistic and she was so kind and understanding, but she still gets upset when I don't eat everything, or when I'm bothered by certain lights. She was like this when I was getting help for my depression as well, at first very kind, but then coming to me saying :"Are you trying to make yourself sad on purpose?"

I have no idea how these people's brains work.

I think a lot of people try and infantilise us when we say we have ASD or depression and come up with all the old tropes about "imagining it" or something equalling daft. You're a grown up, why can't you decide what foods you like and what you want to eat when? Maybe you should ask your Mum when you'll be grown up enough to decide those things?

I think a lot of people try and infantilise us when we say we have ASD or depression and come up with all the old tropes about "imagining it" or something equalling daft. You're a grown up, why can't you decide what foods you like and what you want to eat when? Maybe you should ask your Mum when you'll be grown up enough to decide those things?

I wish it was possible to have more of an insight into your life, but I can only share my own experiences.

I found I became trapped with a desperate need to be seen as like everyone else that I would accept pretty much any level of toxicity in a friendship/relationship/family because I was desperate for friendship - well I say friendship, for feeling 'normal' is more likely the truth.

This likely led to a long negative period in my life, when I developed self-protective traits that never quite worked. I developed negative stimming and self-calming behaviours - which provided, at best, partial relief form burn-out.  I have fully burnt-out several times.

It took until I nearly reached 60, and doing a job where my role is to support others in the criminal justice system, that I first had the opportunity to begin to explore myself and my behaviours with the tools I learned I think I have developed a deeper level of insight and understanding into myself. I am high functioning with a high IQ. too, which I cannot quite decide whether that is a benefit or hindrance.

I have come to the conclusion that I need to be open about my autistic, trauma and self-identity needs in all aspects of my life. My needs are not going to be met if I don't make them explicit.  I am aware that I don't yet know all my needs, but engaging with neurodiverse groups is helping me to understand more of those aspects. I think there is a level of shared trauma within neurodiverse groups. I also think I often fail to recognise my own stimming behaviours, because they are not strange to me. As to my self-identify, I am still learning what mine is, because I have kept it hidden from myself for so long in an attempt to fit in. I am currently enjoying expressing myself through my clothes without the crippling fear of others' opinions.

I feel I have rambled on a lot, but the point I am making is we cannot start to be ourselves and live our lives all the time we are trying to meet the needs of others. Also, I am terrified of rejection - that is part of my trauma response.  Knowing that helps me be braver in accepting the risks I am taking in the decisions I make where rejection is part of the choice I make, rather than a result of me failing to meet another's needs. 

I totally agree with you about NT's not being communication experts, some people like to make another over explain themselves, it's about power and control and also they're often the sort of people who are a sense of offence looking for somewhere to mannifest.

Do you have any gay friends? I've often found gay people much more accepting because they've had to really think hard about life and make some difficult choices.

Oh I think you're absolutely right, another thing that adds to that is my amazing gayness and my mother's amazing homophobia, so there's absolutely an unsafe space (so I'm still closeted) and if I ever were to come out she would absolutely feel like she'll never have the experiences she hoped for with me, and even now I'm not as straight as she'd like me to be, all her expectations are definitely not coming true. I think you're right and she feels sadness, and I feel too, I have mourned the loss of a great family experience, I know she won't be good to me and now, I've learnt to be appreciative for what she can give me and let go of what she can't give me, but I guess she hasn't learnt to do the same with me. 

Do you ever wonder whether some of this could be her sadness about what she likely sees as your life limiting situation. the fact that you will never generate the type of memories she and others have.  That her memories of you will likely always be edged with sadness?

This is what I mean when I talk about trauma - both you and your mother are likely to not be getting the social responses you need to engage with each other safely. This is a different barrier to autism because the neurotypical person has to be brought into this conversation and to have their trauma acknowledged. 

I do wonder whether we forget that neurotypical doesn't mean communication experts. Especially when dealing with those of us who are neurodivergent.

 
I know I put up many barriers to protect myself, trying to learn the instinctual responses needed by the neurotypical.  Having taken many of those barriers down recently and being more open about my needs with the people I deal with has made life a lot easier for me and them. I remain autistic, but I rely less on my trauma responses.
  

I don't think it's that she thinks I'm not grown up, I think she thinks I'm not trying hard enough to enjoy all the foods or life in general or maybe she thinks I'm trying to be the center of attention by actively being different? I don't know. Or it might be a culture thing; here where I live, people really like to force food to you and if you don't accept they might think you're rude, atleast that's what I think, but you should also be careful not to accept the first time, you should reject it the first couple of times then accept it. They are crazy I swear. I always defy this tradition and act honestly, if I want it I'll accept it, if I don't I won't.