Published on 12, July, 2020
It's a difficult one for me because I don't like to be all "us vs them", even though we're used to being othered, so to speak. Especially as I'd want neurotypicals on our side. My issue is that I'm not good at asserting boundaries.
T️hese are boundaries such as "I'm not after advice" or "I just need you to try and understand it from my perspective".
Maybe it's a double empathy problem thing. The problem I've also had is that having already had strong feelings of shame, guilt, embarrassment and fear of judgement over the last 8 months, the few people I've been speaking to haven't understood it as much as I'd like them to, and it's not through lack of trying.
They'd ask me how I am (knowing full well of the situation) and I'd just be honest. It tends to not be very positive but I don't feel the need to sugar coat. The issue is they'll interject and tell me that I need to forget about it and move on. I know they mean well but internally I am screaming, like "just let me be sad and angry". As a result, I feel less willing to open up.
I should probably add that these people are not friends per se, but contacts I know from places of work. That's probably the first issue, but that's not to say I wouldn't have that issue with an actual friend.
I've also taken advice over the same time period which, in hindsight, I should have pushed back against more, as I felt that it made things worse.
There's probably a demand avoidance element too. As a result, I'm at the stage now where the only person who I'm willing to have a conversation with about anything is my therapist, because they're the only person who I don't feel is judging me (for not just what I've done, but how I'm dealing with it) and tries to understand. They're the closest thing I have right now to a friend, in terms of the dynamics and the sort of support I'd want.
I'm a very emotional person and I feel things deeply. I used to call the Samaritans many times every day. I genuinely felt I needed to. The older I get the more reluctant I am to confide in anyone. From my experience if you make clear to people your vulnerabilities they will use them against you. I now wear a big black coat and a Russian hat and have grown a long beard. I look tough. I don't look vulnerable, I pretend I don't feel much at all. It's easier that way. Men are not allowed to be vulnerable, that's why the male suicide rate is so high. The only way to survive as a man is to depersonalise, pretend you don't feel anything at all.