What helps you with releasing anger/dealing with PDA?

Have you tried some form of exercise? Running? Press ups or gym type exercise? Something that will use up all your energy in your body and leave you exhausted? By the way your frustration is entirely understandable. Could you talk to your mum/family about how pressured you’re feeling and how you really need them to ease off the pressure? Can you open up to them about how you’re feeling? Hopefully they would understand and be supportive. 

Kate Kestrel said:

Could you talk to your mum/family about how pressured you’re feeling and how you really need them to ease off the pressure? Can you open up to them about how you’re feeling? Hopefully they would understand and be supportive.

I've done this and it really doesn't seem to get through to them. I often feel like I need to have a big meltdown in front of them for them to stop with the pressure because nothing else has really worked.

I go cycling occasionally, it's the only form of exercise I find myself really enjoying. 

I used to do a lot of cycling. I think tension does get stored in the body and moving about is a definitely a good thing. As I said above - maybe putting how you feel in a letter might get through to them more. I’m really sorry that they are so unresponsive to your attempts to get them to understand what this is like for you, that must be so frustrating and upsetting for you. Do you have any siblings that are supportive? And if so could they help your parents to understand? Do your parents have much understanding of autism generally? 

I wish I could just not overthink and not dwell on the past but it seems everything I've tried (bar distracting myself) hasn't really worked.

A lot of people struggle to cry - even though they feel they need to - it’s not uncommon. I think your worries about manipulating people by showing your emotions etc are not something you need to be concerned about.  Ultimately you have every right to express how you feel - and you can’t really control how other people respond to that, Try not to overthink it - just be honest. As to people online having opinions about you: well people always will have opinions but you don’t have to take them seriously. 
And setbacks are normal - we all have them at some point, so don’t worry too much about that. There’s always another day to have a fresh start - let the past go, try not to dwell on it. 

I never allowed myself to be fully vulnerable in front of my friends either. I never cry - not that I don't want to but I've just bottled it up for so long I've become numb. It's the same thing - I worry if I cry in front of someone I am manipulating them. I know I wouldn't think the same if they do it.

I keep feeling like I need things to get to a level where I can't go any longer and it's a last resort because that's the only thing that'll push me but I don't want things to actually get to that stage. The fallout would probably be more painful.

When you have to read comments online about you where people think you're lying about being autistic (whether I deserved it or not) it leaves you feeling ashamed of being autistic. I thought I was beginning to accept it but I've had the setback. 

You’re incredibly eloquent on here - I’m sure you can do this. It’s not ‘manipulating them’ - it’s just opening up and being honest with them. It takes courage to be open.  Show them your vulnerability - don’t be afraid to do that. Use your voice - If they can’t respond honestly to that then that’s on them - not on you - but at least you’ll have tried to make that connection with them. It’s worth a try. Be proud of who you are, don’t  apologise for finding life hard. Being autistic is far from easy - give yourself credit for what you’ve achieved - however humble those achievements might seem to others. Sometimes it’s a struggle for me just to get through the day - and I give myself credit for doing that, even though others might look on and say “that’s easy”. But it’s not easy for me. I feel no shame about that anymore. You shouldn’t either, you’re young and you’ve got a lot of life to live. Lots of good things lie in your future - so keep hopeful and take courage :) 

I feel like the next step is to put across something like "I can't go on anymore". I don't want to feel like I'm manipulating them but it's technically true. It was already hard and now it's harder than it ever was. 

It's like I could scribble a note and leave it on my dad's work desk or something, but I don't know.

I'm awful at conflict/confrontation, which admittedly has gotten me into these situations. I do believe 90% of the problems in my life wouldn't have happened if I had just spoken up. I always fear that I'm being difficult. 

Could you just show your parents what you’ve written here? They’d have to have hearts of stone to not respond to what is obviously a sincere sincere wish by you to make progress with this and restore some peace and harmony to your family dynamic. Please don’t feel embarrassment and shame - because you don’t deserve to feel that way. You’re just a human being dealing with such a lot and trying to navigate so many challenges. Be kind to yourself - don’t judge yourself. We all get things wrong sometimes, and I think your parents have obviously struggled to connect with many of the things you’re going through. That’s not your fault, and they probably want things to be different too. None of us are perfect, maybe acknowledge to them that you know you’ve made mistakes too? Because your struggling to cope with life (as many - perhaps most - autistic people do).
I don’t know your parents (obviously), but I know this: a mother’s love for her child runs deeper than words can say and deep down I feel sure that your mother will want to make things better between you. Have confidence in that - and try reaching out to her. Life is hard enough without facing it all alone - we all need connection with other human beings. I know that I could NEVER be truly at peace if my relationship with my children was not loving and positive. Most mothers feel this way - deep down anyway. Reach out. Be honest with her, tell her how you feel. Make that connection - or at least try. What have you got to lose by doing that? I can’t believe that a mother wouldn’t be moved by you honestly opening up to her about how you feel. And if things don’t improve after that - well at least you will know that you tried. 

I feel like something needs to happen because it feels like it's going on forever, and as the years progress my brain erodes in a way. I become more sensitive, more angsty, more prone to lashing out. Whenever I think I'm making progress by not reacting or whatever, it comes out in a much bigger way later on and I can't get to sleep. That sort of thing.

I think I've got so much embarrassment and shame. I don't feel like I've got much of a voice, I'm so conscious of how things sound when I say them. 

There might be something that works but I don't know what. I think I've come to terms with the fact me verbalising it won't be the solution because I'm constantly anxious and overthinking. I used to come to therapy with a list of notes as almost a script; I recently decided to go without because I needed to build my confidence somehow.

I need someone to speak for me, an advocate-type, but I haven't found anyone. My relatives aren't really in the place to do it.

I think you have a good understanding of some of the dynamics of what’s going on. I almost feel like you and your parents need to ‘wipe the slate clean’ and have a fresh start. Forgive and forget past issues and try to lay down some ground rules on all sides that will keep things more positive. A fresh start. For our family (my immediate family I mean) we really do try to always treat each other with respect. We don’t always manage to avoid sometimes being snappy or angry or whatever - but if that happens we apologise and don’t hold grudges. Not holding grudges is a big advantage because we all make mistakes but it’s important to be able to move on. Not being afraid to admit we’re wrong, having no problem with saying sorry. Just basically us all knowing that we are on each others side - even if at some points we might lose our cool or whatever. That way we manage to know we are working together, even though we have lots of difficulties like anxiety, ocd, etc etc. 

If you could build bridges with your family it would be great - because not getting on with the people you live with is so stressful, and that’s the last thing you need. Maybe you could start by handing out an olive branch by saying “I know things have not been great between us  these last few months (or years), but I want things to be better, and I would really ike us to work together if possible to make things better for all of us. I know I’ve not been easy to live with, and I know we sometimes don’t get on, but I really want us to get on. Can we forget the past and have a fresh start?’

I think the events of the last few months really exacerbated it. There's both a sense of "things can't possibly get worse than every friend I ever had hating me" and "things could absolutely get worse". My parents made me feel worse about it when I eventually opened up about it.

I feel like I'm made to feel like I'm being "disrespectful" when I merely answer back and I dislike my parents' backchatting anyway. Some of the things they've said are just plain cruel and can't be explained away by it coming from a place of love or whatever.

I think I'm at that point though where I'm so frustrated and angry a lot of the time that I am exaggerating some of the things. Like with the driving, I convince myself that they won't be happy unless I'm locked in my room all day. It's almost like I WANT that to be the case so I can be like "see? All those thoughts I had were completely right".

I haven't spoken as in depth about the parent situation with my therapist but I did bring up the guide I did and my struggles with speaking up. I spoke about wanting to self-advocate better but I feel like I need someone to basically do it all for me at this point.

My son often feels like that: that he’s past caring almost. I’ve sometimes felt like that too. It’s easy to feel stuck and lose hope of anything improving. I’m sorry you feel that way. But things really can change. 

It sounds like your parents are struggling to recognise that you are an adult, and it’s impacting on how you see yourself and damaging your confidence (on top of all the other reasons why most autistic people can struggle to feel good about themselves). 
re. driving - you don’t have to answer their million questions. Be polite but firm about what you do and don’t want to tell your parents. It’s your choice what information you choose to share with them. You’re 26, you can drive and you have a car and you can go where you like - which is great. I get the sense that it would be good if your parents could respect you more as the adult that you are. If they can treat your siblings with respect then they can do it with you. You’re autistic - the challenges you face are not weakness or your failings - autism is a neurological difference that you are trying to manage. They should respect the fact that you are dealing with a lot of challenges. It’s not easy for you, they should acknowledge that and respect that. You deserve respect from your parents (and of course you should be having respect for them too - it should be a two way street). 
Thank you for your offer to share the guide you put together - but I’ve read a lot about autism and probably don’t have the energy to read more right now! I think it was a great idea to give that to your parents though - and it sounds like it was quite a successful idea - for a while anyway. That’s a positive and it shows that good communication is still possible between you all. What advice does your therapist give you about the situation with your parents?

I feel like I'd need a template or something. My parents' first language isn't English but they understand it reasonably well. It just feels like I'm in a no win situation. My neurotypical siblings definitely don't get the same treatment.

I wish I could say driving gave me freedom. I can't even go for just a drive without being asked a million questions.

I don't feel capable and my parents seem to insist I learn by doing, but then I get conflicting advice. My mum expects me to just learn how to make tea and toast on my own but my dad insists that I don't because I'll hurt myself. My argument is that I'm at that stage in my life where I don't care if I hurt myself or injure myself; I've lost so much already I don't feel like I care about my future or anything else.

I could always share with you this guide I put together for them if it'd help. 

Kate Kestrel said:

I don’t doubt that your parents want their relationship with you to be happier and more positive - because all parents want that

That's completely not true. Maybe you are not familiar with the parent-child relationship from other cultures. Some parents are so self-absorbed that they just cannot fathom that their children can have independent thoughts and needs. Some parents see their sons as their property and servants. Some wish to be good parents, but are so mentally ill that they end up damaging their sons for life. Not every parent is a good parent. 

Kate Kestrel said:

I don’t doubt that your parents want their relationship with you to be happier and more positive - because all parents want that

That's completely not true. Maybe you are not familiar with the parent-child relationship from other cultures. Some parents are so self-absorbed that they just cannot fathom that their children can have independent thoughts and needs. Some parents see their sons as their property and servants. Some wish to be good parents, but are so mentally ill that they end up damaging their sons for life. Not every parent is a good parent.