Depressed

Iain said:

suspect you were heading for a meltdown anyway and let the mask slip becuase you were running out of energy to maintain it - does that sound familiar?

Yes, you're absolutely right. I feel like I have to mask because the real me can be very blunt and say things that are a bit too honest or controversial for most people to handle. It has caused me issues many times so I have learned to switch on my alter ego, just to try to fit in more easily. If we're being completely open here, I hate people. I hate being around them, having to make small talk, having to remember to be polite etc. Those things don't come naturally to me but are required if I want to keep my job and keep paying my bills. I keep my job because I'm good at it, at least my stunt double is.

In relationships I try to be myself because I like most of the authentic version, but it has some spikey facets and it's those that always let me down. Once again you are right in saying that it is better not to give a false image, but when I meet someone I really like I'm afraid that the unfiltered me will scare them away, and I kid myself that I can maintain some sort of charade to keep them. Sad but true.

Twitch said:

Today at work my mask slipped and I had a mini meltdown while I was in the office with my boss and it was an awkward moment.

If it not common for letting the mask slipping leading to a meltdown. I suspect you were heading for a meltdown anyway and let the mask slip becuase you were running out of energy to maintain it - does that sound familiar?

Reducing masking is actually much more likely to lead to less stress as you are not having to maintain it.

Twitch said:

I have to mask to get through the working day. I will have to do the same to start another relationship.

Ok, blunt question time.

Why do you think you have to mask so much to do these things. Have you tried just giving it half the effory and seeing if anyone notices?

For the relationship it is much more productive to be authentic as selling a false image of yourself is a sure fire way to lead to dissapointment when you can't maintain it and the partner sees you sold them a lie.

You know you are doing it too - there is no excuse such as non diagnosed people have so why continue selling a false version of yourself.

Do you like the authentic version of youself? The version that is free from masking and scripting?

Sorry, these are difficult questions but I think you will benefit from answering them honestly.

But what if I'm afraid they won't like the real me?

I have to mask to get through the working day. I will have to do the same to start another relationship. Today at work my mask slipped and I had a mini meltdown while I was in the office with my boss and it was an awkward moment. Luckily he is very understanding. Relationship partners are not always so understanding, as I have found out to my detriment, because they don't just see you 9-5 but when you come home tired, frustrated, and in need of a bit of space. To them you're being a grumpy git when really all you need is a bit of calm.

Twitch said:

The harder you try the less likely it seems to materialise

That is because you are more relaxed, more authentic and the other person can see more of the real you.

When we are looking for a partner there is an air of desperation that often accompanies us which is quite unattractive to others I've found.

Hi- medication doesn’t fix things, it can make things more bearable or give someone the energy to change things. 
Going to groups etc is probably just not your way of socialising. And you might just not have met the right people yet. I personally tend to avoid group social situations- i like one on one and especially like going on walks with people. If you like cycling that could be a nice thing to do more of - on your own or with others. 
i agree that there are a lot of horrible and sad things in the world but sadly a lot of those we just have no control over. I still haven’t managed to do this, but it would be good to try and focus on the things we do have control over. 

Wow I wonder if that’s how it really happens when you least expect it. It’s crazy to think that it could happen then. I feel like I least expect it everyday lol. It’s always been my dream to meet a woman and have children one day. Yeh I hope you find someone also that would be good. There are plenty of groups for older people from what I’ve seen where  I am. 

Thanks for the advice. I suppose being single can be good too. I like cycling. Maybe I should join a cycling group.

I'm an atheist so can't subscribe to the god vendetta theory, but I understand your desire to be in a relationship. I've been in quite a few but always seem to upset the person I'm with eventually because of my 'irregular' ways. Autumn Trees is right, being single can be way more fun, but I have to admit I really miss having company at times. At 23 you have plenty of time to meet someone and it always seems to happen when you least expect it. The harder you try the less likely it seems to materialise. I've been on my own for almost 2 years now and I'm just starting to think about finding someone again. I'm 58 and don't like socialising beyond a few very close friends so it's never going to be easy, but it won't stop me trying. I'd say you're in with a better shout than me. Go for it.

Hi Yellow Tree, 

There are sections of your post that I don't feel able to comment on, eg. the whole god situation. But I do have other comments. 

For example, what has given you the idea that being in a relationship is so great? I have been in a few and while they were fun for a bit they all ended up sucking. Being single is WAY more fun and free. Other people (can) hold you down and make you do stuff you don't feel like and there are so many social commitments, etc. 

I wouldn't depend too heavily on pharmaceuticals to make you 'happy' there is only so much they can do. Explore what makes you happy outside of dating - there is a whole big wide world out there waiting for you to experience it! Maybe you'd like to travel, or maybe you like nature? Or you like music, or gaming, or books? Joy can be found in so many places, but it won't necessarily just all fall into your lap.