Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi everyone
I've um'd and err'd for a while about posting on here but I've finally taken the plunge as I feel like I'm in a bit of a quandary. To briefly summarise, I've been in a relationship with my g/f for a very long time and to cut a (very!) long story short, I've been wondering if she might be slightly autistic.
Initially I started out investigating social anxiety, as she has suffered with that all her life (not by her own admission but from getting to know her well), but for a long time I just assumed it was shyness and a little social uncertainty...which I guess are not uncommon. But over the years, it's become apparent that it's more than that and the amount of stress and anxiety she experiences before and during social situations (of all kinds) is quite severe. The really challenging thing is that she seems to have grown up with the idea that it's something that she must keep absolutely hidden at all costs; it's as though she fears the consequences of ever admitting just how stressed and anxious she really gets.
Just as a quick example, a little while ago she refused point blank to go into a snack shop on holiday to buy herself something to eat...after much debate, she finally admitted it was because it would be too embarrassing (there was no-one around and the only person in the snack shop was the lady behind the counter).
That's just one example - there have been many occasions over the years where she has shied away from seemingly innocuous situations. Other examples include:
Many situations that involve social interaction with other people will cause her to become anxious and stressed to some degree - certainly if it's people she doesn't know, but even sometimes with people she does know.
She does not like admitting it though, and will find all sorts of excuses as to why we shouldn't go to some kind of social event or meet up with people. She will get quite confrontational and aggressive about it too and will sometimes accuse me of bullying her if I try to coax out of her what the issue is or get her to talk about it. In my (admittedly quite simple!) mind, getting her to talk about it would be very beneficial...but she just won't. She'll say things like "Yeh, I don't like doing xyz...but it's not a problem". She will then often accuse me of making a big deal out of it if I try and get her to expand a bit.
Anyway, that's the social anxiety side of things! The reason I'm on an autism forum is that, whilst researching social anxiety, I came across a page that listed various symptoms, a good number of which were absolutely bang on for her...however, I then scrolled up the page and found that it wasn't speaking about social anxiety, but was actually speaking about some of the symptoms of autism. And she had quite a lot of them. I have to admit, it was almost like a bit of a light came on, as there have been some big challenges that I've really struggled with that suddenly seemed to make a bit of sense.
However, I'm not a qualified professional in this sort of thing, so I freely admit that I may well be barking up entirely the wrong tree! The slightly challenging thing is that some of the symptoms of adult autism she does appear to very much have, but others symptoms are not her at all. For example, below are the symptoms of adult autism I found on the NHS website (I've rated her from 1-5 for these, where 1 is "not at all" and 5 is "very much so"):
So whereas she gets a 5 for getting extremely anxious about social situations, she only gets a 1 for eye contact, which she's generally very good at. But I believe that can be the case, given that autism is a spectrum...?
As I've mentioned already, the challenge will be to get her to talk really openly and honestly about it. I've heard her in the past, when someone has asked her what kind of person she is, say "laid back, easy going and chilled out". Nothing could be further from the truth, but it's like she has this picture in her mind of the kind of person she wants to be...or thinks she ought to be...or thinks other people expect her to be....or probably a combination of all of those! And if anything occurs that threatens to shake that or reveal a more realistic picture, she gets really confrontational and aggressive. And to a lot of people, she appears very sociable and they view her as actually quite outgoing...but the emotional toll that maintaining that appearance takes can be pretty big.
She has also been pretty harsh in the past about other people who've had any kind of mental health issues...stress, anxiety, depression, worry, etc. She'll say things like "Oh for goodness sake, they just need to pull themselves together and get on with it!!". So she does have a bit of a history of sort of putting up a bit of a smoke screen to hide behind.
Sorry, this has gone on way too long so I'm going to shut up now. I think what I'd find really helpful is if anyone could give me any pointers about this, particularly with regard to:
I just want to help her make her life less stressful and therefore more enjoyable...but I'm really struggling to know what to do.
Any suggestions would be hugely appreciated.
If you made it this far...thank you! And apologies again for rambling on for so long
Welcome. It's commendable how much you want to understand and help your girlfriend.
NAS88563 said:am I way off target with my thinking that she might be autistic?
Personally I think a lot of what you describe does point towards autism.
It is a myth that a person cannot be autistic if they make eye contact. Many of find it difficult or unpleasant but we can also do a pretty convincing impression by focussing somewhere else on a face. That is known as masking and it is something that autistic females tend to do more. It does seem as if your girlfriend is displaying signs of masking some autistic traits.
NAS88563 said:is an official "test" the only way to confirm?
There are lots of resources and online tests available that your girlfriend would start with. If she identifies which what she reads and the test scores point towards autism then she could ask to be put on the waiting list for an official diagnosis.
The online 'tests' can be found here:
https://embrace-autism.com/
This site has lots of easy to understand information, to start learning about what autism is and dispelling some of the myths:
https://autismunderstood.co.uk/what-actually-is-autism/introducing-autism/
Another autistic led site with lots more information and resources:
https://aucademy.co.uk/starting-your-autistic-discovery-journey/
NAS88563 said:how does one go about helping someone who is loathe, even fearful, to admit the extent of their situation?
That one is not so easy and obviously you know her best.
One thing I would stress is that autism is not a mental health problem or illness, it is a difference in how the brain works.
Given her interest in TV series that might be a good way to approach the subject. More celebrities are talking publicly about being autistic these days. There was a programme on BBC a few months ago with Christine McGuinness discussing autism in females, so you could perhaps watch that together on catch up:
https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/m001k31t
Thank you so much for your very helpful reply - I really appreciate it.
Those links are really helpful, thank you. I think the real challenge would be to get her to objectively look at such things. One of her biggest fears in life is to "stand out from the crowd" (as it would cause attention to be focussed on her, and that terrifies her)...so anything that could potentially cause this to happen will be met with a pretty torrid response. I'm struggling to know how to raise it with her in a way that doesn't cause a bad reaction.
She has a tendency to extremes when responding to situations - I don't mean fanatical extremes, but she has a tendency to be all one way or all the other; so something is either "brilliant" or it's "absolute rubbish" - or someone is "fantastic", or they're a "total idiot". I'm not saying this is exclusively the case 100% of the time, but it is certainly a tendency.
This same sort of situation can often apply to her reaction to situations as well - so if a situation arises that causes her stress levels to rise, the way she reacts will often initially be angrily...very confrontational, defensive, annoyed at what's happened. But this will often then flip to the other end of the scale (sometimes quite quickly) and the anger turns into upset and she'll start crying and get very distressed - and when this happens, it's almost like she sort of shuts down a bit.
So, like I mentioned above, one of the things I'm really struggling with is how to broach the subject with her in a way that won't cause her to react in this way and we can actually get to talk about it without her feeling like she needs to put up the smoke screen or defend herself against what she would perceive to be "criticism".
I'm certainly going to watch that program with Christine McGuiness, thanks for that link too. As to whether I'd manage to get my g/f to watch it...I think that would be quite difficult as it's not the kind of program we'd normally sit down to watch together. So if I were to suggest it, she'd want to know why on earth I'd put it on! But I'll watch it myself first...there may be something in there that could provide an "opening" to get her to watch it too.
Thanks again for your response...