Published on 12, July, 2020
Hello. I'm a 37 years old man living in Eastern Europe. I recently got the notion that I may be on the Spectrum...I took every test I could possibly find and they all where "positive", if that's the word. I don't know how to go about it, I'm just looking for some help or guidance or anything, maybe just for somebody to hear me. I have been struggling with depression and anxiety for a long time, at least 13 years... before that, I was very socially awkward, really shy, very easily bored. I remember I would throw tantrums that now, when I remember them, are just weird... I remember being very angry when my brother bought himself a cd player, I was s against that for no reason. I was very angry when we had some friends of the family over for New Years that I didn't know in advance and I was the kind of kid who was rudely honest about the gifts I received... I would say it to peoples face that I didn't like it. I couldn't go to kindergarten because every time my parents try to take me I would scream and behave very badly.
All thru my teens and beginning of adulthood my father was a alcoholic, daily causing verbal fights (never physical) but I was so scared and hated the moments when he came home from work. It took me such a long time to forgive him and now we are on very good terms for the last 4-5 years.
Fast forward to the present, I'm the type of guy that still gets extremely bored... I always cary headphones, books (ebooks or audio) everywhere I go, even if it's to buy a bread. I'm always on the lookout for danger, if something slightly negative happens, I'm put off really badly because I imagine all sorts of scenarios when something similar or worse is going to happen in the future... That's why is very difficult do settle down in a living situation. I'm always afraid. I hate change, I cannot fathom even the slightest change... For example, my girlfriend of 10 years will ask me to give her a ride home from work and right when she jumps in the car she says we should stop for groceries. That just messes me up so badly. It cause so much anxiety, like a rush of panic. I need to have predicitiblity and a plan in anything I do. I'm extremely punctual and cannot have people in my life that are late. I'm a perfectionist and beat myself up about it a lot. i hate going to big parties, like weddings, I almost never go now. I feel a lot of anxiety and sometimes, when it's not somebody that close, I'm also angry, because I know I shouldn't be invited but that is the "custom".
I have physical pain, a lot of muscle and back problems, contractions, tightness, fatigue.
I'm in a habit of making lists. I have lists for every single book I have read (over 700), if I finished it, in what language I read it in, was it audio or text, how did I rate it? Also, I have rated every single movie and tv show I have ever seen (over 3000) on IMDB and every single TV show episode (almost 13000) on TV Time app. I used to run a lot, I quickly got into half marathons and marathons. I logged every run in multiples apps and for about 9 years I even noted how many kilometers I walked daily. If I'm walking outside of the house, like taking out the garbage, I have to take the phone with me just to measure the number of steps... I cannot "lose" those steps. Running helped a lot, being alone with the headphones on, but I overdone it and got injured a few times. Now I cannot find the motivation to get back at it again.
I bite my hand nails and rip the ones from my legs, unintended, I just find myself doing it, realising when it's to late. Also, I move my leg up and down when sitting, very fast, a lot of times.
I have very complex dreams. I wake up tired because of the interaction I have in dreams with people, I recite songs and even original poetry in my dreams although I cannot do that awake. Most dreams are on the nightmarish side. In real life, I avoid people, I'm afraid of running into somebody I know, even family, on the street or in the mall and have to go thru that awkward chit-chat... I pretend to be on the phone or something else just to avoid this. Running helped with this a lot, I had my headphones on very loud and I would just wave to people I know.
One big issue I have is with noise from neighbours. I have a kid upstairs who runs around the flat a lot, like 4-5 hours a day and his mother doesn't care... It's just so bad. It makes me so stressed and angry, it's so hard to control myself or to focus on anything else. I'm just thinking like how rude is she, how can she do this to me, it's illegal, she doesn't have extra rights and so and so... I had that also with neighbours dogs, I called the police on three of them. The strange thing is that I love dogs more than anything in the world. I understand dogs, if I get attacked by dogs, no matter how many (and I did, a few times, even at night alone in the parl), they just back away when I talk to them. I'm not afraid. I adopted a big dog from the pound 3 years ago and she is my miracle in life. I would do anything for her.
I'm very good at my job but I hate it because it's design and working with clients and I have such a black and white vision... I'm always right (and truly, most times I am), but the team I work with and the client need convincing and it took them a while until they got to trust me. I never miss a deadline. I'm very rigid and judgy in life. My Myers-Briggs result is INTJ.
I could go on but I would really like somebody to read this and give and opinion. Should I pursue this path, does it fit with being on the spectrum? Or am I just depressed and anxious?
Thank you very much! (please excuse my english)
I wouldn't say no to some...
Yeh lol they’ll probably just put everyone on pills or somethings like in the novel ‘brave new world’.
They’ll only add the tranquillers..
That’s good to hear, most people drink I don’t think you should feel guilty about it. I must admit I used to love drinking it definitely passed the time. I wonder if they’ll ever invent something to replace alcohol? Because over here in the UK the government is telling us that ‘no amount of alcohol is safe now’. Any amount of alcohol can cause cancer they say. So I wonder if the government is telling us all to not do drugs, not drink and not smoke. What will people do instead? Maybe it’s part of the governments plan as they are working on a new drink called ‘alcarelle’ which is synthetic alcohol and it’s supposed to have all the good part about alcohol and none of the bad. No hangovers nothing.
I have periods when I drink daily, not to get drunk, a beer in the evening or a glass of wine... It mellows the mind, I have some control and peace. But after a few weeks of these daily drinks, I am full of remorse and go the other way, no alcohol for a whole month. I get drunk two times a year, at some party where I usually don't want to go and hate myself for giving in and going. And when I am drunk I'm the opposite of my father, I'm happy and funny and I never do something I'll regret.
Thank you very much for your response. I will definitely look into ADHD. The thing is, I do have intense interests (the latest one being learning how Airbus and Boeing jets operate as in real life) but I just don't have anyone close to share this with. I'm really active in the online communities where I am passionate but It's hard in the real world because 99% of the time nobody cares. And those interests are also my safety net in a real social situation and sometimes it backfires.
Also, the Ukraine war is very heavy on the mind and my emotional state. We are not directly involved but very close.
I have very good noise cancelling headphones but I refused to use them because I viewed it as a self punishment for the wrong doing of my neighbour, it just didn't seem fair that she gets to do whatever she wants and I have to adapt. But, now, I start to think of it as self-preservation, self-care... it's strange how the perception shifted.
Hi there, it’s good to hear your from Eastern Europe. It’s good to have a diverse range of people on here. It sounds like you could be autistic definitely, I could relate to some of the things you were saying. For instance I had an alcoholic mother who was similar to your father in the sense that she shouted at me a lot and was verbally abusive and manipulative. I strongly suspect she is also autistic with 99% certainty. I am always on the lookout for danger everywhere I go. But that’s common with autism because it’s an over active excited mind. That’s why often autistic people drink too much to cope because it slows down the mind. I can relate to the fidgeting also I find myself fidgeting often and feel restless. I think yeh it would be a good idea to pursue some tests if you think you might have autism. Hope this helps
A lot of what you have mentioned ties in with autistic traits so definitely worth pursuing further. The diagnostic process will be looking to confirm that your autistic traits were evident in your early childhood, rather than a trauma response as a result of your family issues in your teens.
You've also mentioned being very easily bored and needing constant mental stimulation. That would suggest it is also worth looking into ADHD. Pure autism alone will tend to present as very focussed and intense interests rather than boredom. An AuDHD (both autism and ADHD) diagnosis is becoming increasingly common.
I totally understand your response to external noise when at home. Many autistic people can be extremely sensitive to such noise and it can trigger meltdowns if the exposure is repeated often enough. I can go from completely calm to a screaming meltdown within seconds of hearing my neighbours dog barking. Unfortunately people tend not to understand how an autistic person experiences sounds and vibrations and how painful and distressing they can be. The best thing I can suggest is to get some good noise cancelling headphones. They can help to dull the noise but won't stop the vibrations though when you have a young child running around in the flat above. You have my sympathy.
My friend lives in eastern Europe. She has adhd and says the understanding, treatment and attitude towards these sorts of things are very lacking!
thank you. I hope to get to read it but if not, it's ok. you guys are amazing.
thank you so much...
The world of post-diagnosis autism, is as much about being in a desert and it is about being free, but is better than having lived in ignorance and in a cage. You’ll be fine, and we’ll still be here, after-all we are connected out here..
Thank you so much. I will lookup those tests. I did a bunch of them but I didn't pay attention to what they were called. On one hand, i'm a little scared, on the other, I'm would be so relieved.
I wrote a very carefully considered reply which was edited several times and so I think it's been sent for automatic moderation. Frustrating! Hopefully it should reappear but if it doesn't, the main premise was - I've been there myself / we want to feel safe where we live / autistic people can have higher fight or flight mechanisms
We want to feel safe where we live. Logically we are, but things like this - when you can be more sensitive to the senses - put us into fight or flight. For me it was the unexpected noise/light which I didn't know when it would happen. So there was a sensory aspect but also the mental aspect of what was (in my eyes only, let's be honest) "right and wrong". (Most people think blindingly bright security lights is the right thing to have / most people don't seem bothered by buzzing phones). These thoughts added to making it worse. I have been there with this angry feeling which for me was a spike of fight or flight. The feeling inside was like I wanted to smash 100 plates.
My friend who has adhd lives in eastern Europe and says the attitude, understanding and treatment around neurodivergency is very lacking.
She just doesn't care. It's weird because we got along just fine. She even asked me to take her kid from kindergarten one time, before I told her that is really bothering me. She also came to our place a few times. After I told her and sent her audio recordings, she just shut off. She wouldn't answer the door a few times when I tried to talk with her and now she's actively avoiding me. I know I'm right and also I know he is a child and she's a single mom with an old mother (90 years old) and so I want to try and fix this for me, control it somehow, because it applies in many parts of my life. If I'm "right" and the others don't care or break the rules or the law, I get mad. I get this angry physical feeling and it ruins my day. I'm not agresive, I wouldn't harm anything, I'm the one that turn bugs over when they are upside down, I get all the insects, like spiders and flys out of my house unharmed. But in my head I'm like a man going to war in cases like that.
A lot of these problems are similar globally. ActuallyAustistic Twitter might help a little. But from an autistic point of view, there can be an advantage to going further, digging deeper, gaining knowledge and learning to understand a gradience of things, contextualising, learning to be allowing to others. We can control ourselves, not anyone else. I feel as though the only thing I'm certain of is that I am certain of nothing and that can create a new perspective, which can help provide a little less of a strain on life in general. Learning to bend like a reed and not break like a stick.
As for upstairs, if you have the money buy your upstairs neighbours rugs. Do they know how loud it is?
This platform can be good, but we are a smaller variation of human BE-ing.
Yes pursue the path. 90% of self-diagnosis’ are accurate when it comes to autism, part the issue that I had prior to getting an autism-diagnosis, is that I was viewed by behaviourist and psychologist as having a psychological/behavioural issue, and I never did get to the bottom of it. This was because the cause of my problems was a neurological-issue, this meant that the professionals that I was working with could only hope to cure symptoms, despite never acknowledging the root-cause. Sure I have developmental-issues, psychological-issues and manifested-behaviours; but it all began and has its roots in my neurology. From what I can see, you’ve practically gone through the same research/journey as me, even with MBTI, but nothing has ever lined-up so well as Autism, and nothing was as-much of a balm to my soul as my diagnosis and my post-diagnosis journey. Pursue the path.If you’ve not done an Autism-Quotient Test (for autism traits) be sure to do one, as well as an Empathy-Quotient Test (a good measure of how well one masks), having a more middling EQ is an excellent-indicator of why you may have slipped-the-net for so long.. good luck..
What I failed to mention is that I have no support from my close family (except for my girlfriend, and not 100%)... The culture here is that "it is all in your head" and there isn't actually a valid diagnosis... adults get diagnosed with schizophrenia or bipolar disease or maybe something else, if they haven't been diagnosed with autism as a child. So pursuing a diagnosis now, in my country, it's not possible.
I did mention it because I started looking for specifics like "INTJ and autism", "vivid dreams and autism", and it got a lot of hits... seems common enough