Act like someone else

Yes, that sounds like me. 

I love being outside, amongst the trees, animals, natural life. I am happy there, it feels like my natural environment. I have had occasions when I've encountered other people and their dogs and it's upset me. I have occasionally shouted at people, which I feel ashamed about later. 

Usually it's because I fear that their dogs could attack mine - and this has happened, so it's not an irrational fear. I get upset because people don't control their dogs or see a need to. 

Twitch said:

Do you find that when you're literally in the middle of nowhere and all you can hear is birdsong, and the wind in the trees you become almost overwhelmed by the beauty of it? A different kind of sensory overload if you like, on the positive scale.

Yes absolutely. It is such an intense feeling of freedom and joy when I am in the kind of environment you describe.

It's so enlightening to hear someone else share the same experiences. Sensory overload makes sense, especially when, like you, I automatically become tense when I foresee events unfolding. Adding to this simply tips the balance beyond what I can cope with, and avoiding it is not always possible. I don't think I do blame myself at the time, but perhaps by not blaming myself in these situations the blame shifts entirely to the 'offender' and that's what makes me so angry at them? My immediate mental attitude is that I shouldn't have to put up with their sh*t in public, and that they should be more considerate to others. Blaming myself comes later when I've relived the event over and over in my mind, always wondering if I could, and should, have handled it better. I too am extremely sensitive to dogs barking, and owners shouting at them. It makes my whole body go taught inside and I desperately want to block it out but can't. Instead I react by wanting to 'educate' them on their ignorance, even though deep inside I know I'm wasting my breath.

It's great that we can both find solace in nature though. Do you find that when you're literally in the middle of nowhere and all you can hear is birdsong, and the wind in the trees you become almost overwhelmed by the beauty of it? A different kind of sensory overload if you like, on the positive scale. It can make me so happy at times that I cry with joy and I often wonder if anyone else feels that moved by such experiences.

Thanks for the advice, and a diagnosis that sounds perfectly feasible. Hair-trigger is an apt term so dysfunctional emotional regulation sounds rational to me. I will certainly have a look at the book you recommend. Unfortunately when my relationship ended I lost quite a lot in personal finance terms and at the same time was forced to take on a lot more necessary commitment from my own pocket, so to speak, which means I've struggled a bit financially and couldn't consider therapy at those prices right now. Maybe something to think about if and when finances stabilise. I do want to change and being here is definitely helping. The hardest thing is knowing what a healthy amount of venting looks like. Sometimes it's easy to forget that its not just those with ASD or other disorders that get angry, or lonely, or scared, or depressed.

Twitch said:

That's why I'm working so hard on trying to find coping mechanisms for my meltdowns.

I think what you may have (in my non-professional opinion) is dysfunctional emotional regulation. The sort of hair-trigger anger issues you report are a common symptom of this and are certainly something that the right therapy can help you with.

There is quite a good book on this that may be helpful in developing an approach to make this more balanced:

Self-Regulation and Mindfulness - Over 82 Exercises & Worksheets for Sensory Processing Disorder, ADHD, & Autism Spectrum Disorder - Varleisha D. Gibbs (2017)

ISBN: 9781683730620

There are plenty of other books on the subject but most of the ones I came across are aimed at therapists or professionals. I can give you their details if you like.

If you can afford it I would engage with a therapist with experience of autism and emotional regulation to develop a plan for this and occasional check-ins with them to work on progress, but at £40-50 an hour for the affordable ones it is not a cheap option.

You have to want to change for this to work and if you want any help along the way from us (even if just to vent from time to time) then we are here for you.

My default mode is definitely passive but I can go from zero to Tasmanian Devil in a very short time if someone pushes the wrong button. The most common triggers are people's illogical (to my mind) behaviour, especially being inconsiderate to the needs of others, and that applies when it is shown to a third party, not just towards me. I feel an overwhelming urge to impart justice, by which I mean telling them they are ignorant, and highlighting the reason why. It's a kind of anger but intended more as a very blunt education. What makes me more angry is the fact that I let their behaviour affect me this way, but that anger dissipates quickly and often becomes regret or even a mild depression. Afterwards I find myself wondering what these people think of me for my attitude. Sometimes I shrug it off and say I don't care what they think, it's their fault for being ignorant assholes, but the time it hurt me most was when I was in a relationship and did it to the person I loved. In the end it drove her away. My biggest fear is that I will do the same if and when I start a new relationship. That's why I'm working so hard on trying to find coping mechanisms for my meltdowns. It's not easy, and it's going to take time, but with a bit of willpower, and good advice from folks who understand on this forum, I think I can make it.

Twitch said:

I hate that their behaviour caused me to feel this way, and I hate that my mask slipped off so easily as a result.

An honest question here and no judgement.

Do you think you may have anger management issues?

The reason I ask is that you express anger at the family because of your emotional response. Had it been a case that you were angry at them because of the dogs behaviour then this would be a normal response for someone with an issue with out of control dogs.

It may seem like splitting hairs but if I read this right, your anger was because your self control slipped and you directed this anger at them.

The reason I believe it worth reflecting on this is that it may indicate an area for self analysis (or better, with a therapist) to give you more emotional control when the unexpected happens and potentially give you more control over the factors that lead to meltdowns.

Twitch said:

Why does something most people would find trivial cause me such tension? I guess we're all looking for answers to those sort of questions.

This is what my comment above is looking towards - no criticism is intended.

The obvious answer would be sensory overload. It is understandable and you don't need to blame yourself.

I encounter the same thing when I am out of my walks and I hate it. I'm fine with dogs as long as they don't start barking or jumping up at me. 

I am extremely sensitive to noise and some types of dog barking is sensory torture for me. Then add in the owners yelling at their out of control dog it becomes instant sensory overload which can trigger a meltdown.

I am also sensitive to touch and I certainly don't want a dogs dirty muddy paws on me. We shouldn't have to put up with that and people can be very entitled about their dogs. 

Like you I can be immersed in nature and totally relaxed and happy. Then whenever I see off lead dogs approaching I immediately tense because I know what is likely to happen.

Only since my recent ASD diagnosis have I realised just how much I am masking. I have to do it to get through work, when out in public, and on the very rare occasion when I socialise. I can see now that I've become rather adept at it over the years, to the point where most people I know believe my alter ego is the real me. I'm mostly ok with this and can keep up the charade when required but it can become a problem when I find myself in a situation where I am amongst people whose behaviour I find upsetting. Perfect example - I went for a long walk alone this morning out in the quiet countryside as I regularly do, but when I reached the beach near my home there were lots of people about which immediately puts me on edge. A family group were walking towards me with their dog off the lead and it ran straight towards me, soaking wet from obviously having been in the sea, and tried to jump up me with wet sandy paws until the owner shouted its name very loudly to stop it. The first thing I need to say is that I love dogs and don't fear them at all so that was not the problem. The issue I had was that these people had no control over their dog. They, and may others, just assume that other people don't mind their dog's errant behaviour. They easily laugh it off without a care. When it happened I felt so angry at them, and would normally exchange very strong words in telling them so. I wanted to call them ignorant, inconsiderate, morons, and in the past would have done, but I'm trying really hard to curb my meltdowns at the moment so simply gave them a hard stare and shake of the head in passing. I hate that their behaviour caused me to feel this way, and I hate that my mask slipped off so easily as a result. While I was immersed in nature with nobody around to have to pretend to I felt wonderful. So happy and carefree being my true self. I know these people didn't set out this morning with the intention of upsetting me, but in some strange way that just makes it harder to rationalise my reaction. Why does something most people would find trivial cause me such tension? I guess we're all looking for answers to those sort of questions.

Glad you enjoyed it! Maybe I should watch it again. Do you like Rowan Atkinson in the Johnny English films too?

I find myself being told constantly, act like this, not like that, especially when someone tells me to just be who I am. 

It like  following the instruction of being who i am, leads to a crime because its make others feel awkward. 

And it like why do they tell me to be just me but then shut me down because I gone and done something like talk about what fish species may live in the lake we sat at the side off.. or last year with visiting my partner in America, sat at the creek, see a huge Tadpole and then spend 4 hours with my hands in the water looking for other life forms to see if i could identify them.  After she told me to just be who I was.. (am not autistic, have to speak to my gp and get a diagnosis) but that something I hate doing is being myself cause I do things like that and then get judged for it. 

Yes I did when it first came out and have seen it several times since. Absolutely hilarious! Rowan never fails to make me laugh in everything he's in. 

Thank you for replying. This has explained a lot for me and the reading up I've done would seem to confirm that I mask a lot of the time. Thanks guys

Have you watched Rowan Atkinson’s relatively new show called Man vs Bee on Netflix? I found it quite funny!

Couldn’t agree more

This forum isn’t for that. If you don’t have anything nice to say why are you on here

Me too! My favourite actor. He is a very funny man.

I love him, he is so  funny 

True. Thanks xx

Believe me you are better off without those people if they reacted that way. There are better people out there who will accept you for who you are.

You should never have to mask and be different for people. Those people who expect you to are not worthy to have you as their friend.