Act like someone else

Only since my recent ASD diagnosis have I realised just how much I am masking. I have to do it to get through work, when out in public, and on the very rare occasion when I socialise. I can see now that I've become rather adept at it over the years, to the point where most people I know believe my alter ego is the real me. I'm mostly ok with this and can keep up the charade when required but it can become a problem when I find myself in a situation where I am amongst people whose behaviour I find upsetting. Perfect example - I went for a long walk alone this morning out in the quiet countryside as I regularly do, but when I reached the beach near my home there were lots of people about which immediately puts me on edge. A family group were walking towards me with their dog off the lead and it ran straight towards me, soaking wet from obviously having been in the sea, and tried to jump up me with wet sandy paws until the owner shouted its name very loudly to stop it. The first thing I need to say is that I love dogs and don't fear them at all so that was not the problem. The issue I had was that these people had no control over their dog. They, and may others, just assume that other people don't mind their dog's errant behaviour. They easily laugh it off without a care. When it happened I felt so angry at them, and would normally exchange very strong words in telling them so. I wanted to call them ignorant, inconsiderate, morons, and in the past would have done, but I'm trying really hard to curb my meltdowns at the moment so simply gave them a hard stare and shake of the head in passing. I hate that their behaviour caused me to feel this way, and I hate that my mask slipped off so easily as a result. While I was immersed in nature with nobody around to have to pretend to I felt wonderful. So happy and carefree being my true self. I know these people didn't set out this morning with the intention of upsetting me, but in some strange way that just makes it harder to rationalise my reaction. Why does something most people would find trivial cause me such tension? I guess we're all looking for answers to those sort of questions.

The obvious answer would be sensory overload. It is understandable and you don't need to blame yourself.

I encounter the same thing when I am out of my walks and I hate it. I'm fine with dogs as long as they don't start barking or jumping up at me. 

I am extremely sensitive to noise and some types of dog barking is sensory torture for me. Then add in the owners yelling at their out of control dog it becomes instant sensory overload which can trigger a meltdown.

I am also sensitive to touch and I certainly don't want a dogs dirty muddy paws on me. We shouldn't have to put up with that and people can be very entitled about their dogs. 

Like you I can be immersed in nature and totally relaxed and happy. Then whenever I see off lead dogs approaching I immediately tense because I know what is likely to happen.

It's so enlightening to hear someone else share the same experiences. Sensory overload makes sense, especially when, like you, I automatically become tense when I foresee events unfolding. Adding to this simply tips the balance beyond what I can cope with, and avoiding it is not always possible. I don't think I do blame myself at the time, but perhaps by not blaming myself in these situations the blame shifts entirely to the 'offender' and that's what makes me so angry at them? My immediate mental attitude is that I shouldn't have to put up with their sh*t in public, and that they should be more considerate to others. Blaming myself comes later when I've relived the event over and over in my mind, always wondering if I could, and should, have handled it better. I too am extremely sensitive to dogs barking, and owners shouting at them. It makes my whole body go taught inside and I desperately want to block it out but can't. Instead I react by wanting to 'educate' them on their ignorance, even though deep inside I know I'm wasting my breath.

It's great that we can both find solace in nature though. Do you find that when you're literally in the middle of nowhere and all you can hear is birdsong, and the wind in the trees you become almost overwhelmed by the beauty of it? A different kind of sensory overload if you like, on the positive scale. It can make me so happy at times that I cry with joy and I often wonder if anyone else feels that moved by such experiences.

It's so enlightening to hear someone else share the same experiences. Sensory overload makes sense, especially when, like you, I automatically become tense when I foresee events unfolding. Adding to this simply tips the balance beyond what I can cope with, and avoiding it is not always possible. I don't think I do blame myself at the time, but perhaps by not blaming myself in these situations the blame shifts entirely to the 'offender' and that's what makes me so angry at them? My immediate mental attitude is that I shouldn't have to put up with their sh*t in public, and that they should be more considerate to others. Blaming myself comes later when I've relived the event over and over in my mind, always wondering if I could, and should, have handled it better. I too am extremely sensitive to dogs barking, and owners shouting at them. It makes my whole body go taught inside and I desperately want to block it out but can't. Instead I react by wanting to 'educate' them on their ignorance, even though deep inside I know I'm wasting my breath.

It's great that we can both find solace in nature though. Do you find that when you're literally in the middle of nowhere and all you can hear is birdsong, and the wind in the trees you become almost overwhelmed by the beauty of it? A different kind of sensory overload if you like, on the positive scale. It can make me so happy at times that I cry with joy and I often wonder if anyone else feels that moved by such experiences.

Yes, that sounds like me. 

I love being outside, amongst the trees, animals, natural life. I am happy there, it feels like my natural environment. I have had occasions when I've encountered other people and their dogs and it's upset me. I have occasionally shouted at people, which I feel ashamed about later. 

Usually it's because I fear that their dogs could attack mine - and this has happened, so it's not an irrational fear. I get upset because people don't control their dogs or see a need to. 

Twitch said:

Do you find that when you're literally in the middle of nowhere and all you can hear is birdsong, and the wind in the trees you become almost overwhelmed by the beauty of it? A different kind of sensory overload if you like, on the positive scale.

Yes absolutely. It is such an intense feeling of freedom and joy when I am in the kind of environment you describe.