Act like someone else

Only since my recent ASD diagnosis have I realised just how much I am masking. I have to do it to get through work, when out in public, and on the very rare occasion when I socialise. I can see now that I've become rather adept at it over the years, to the point where most people I know believe my alter ego is the real me. I'm mostly ok with this and can keep up the charade when required but it can become a problem when I find myself in a situation where I am amongst people whose behaviour I find upsetting. Perfect example - I went for a long walk alone this morning out in the quiet countryside as I regularly do, but when I reached the beach near my home there were lots of people about which immediately puts me on edge. A family group were walking towards me with their dog off the lead and it ran straight towards me, soaking wet from obviously having been in the sea, and tried to jump up me with wet sandy paws until the owner shouted its name very loudly to stop it. The first thing I need to say is that I love dogs and don't fear them at all so that was not the problem. The issue I had was that these people had no control over their dog. They, and may others, just assume that other people don't mind their dog's errant behaviour. They easily laugh it off without a care. When it happened I felt so angry at them, and would normally exchange very strong words in telling them so. I wanted to call them ignorant, inconsiderate, morons, and in the past would have done, but I'm trying really hard to curb my meltdowns at the moment so simply gave them a hard stare and shake of the head in passing. I hate that their behaviour caused me to feel this way, and I hate that my mask slipped off so easily as a result. While I was immersed in nature with nobody around to have to pretend to I felt wonderful. So happy and carefree being my true self. I know these people didn't set out this morning with the intention of upsetting me, but in some strange way that just makes it harder to rationalise my reaction. Why does something most people would find trivial cause me such tension? I guess we're all looking for answers to those sort of questions.

Twitch said:

I hate that their behaviour caused me to feel this way, and I hate that my mask slipped off so easily as a result.

An honest question here and no judgement.

Do you think you may have anger management issues?

The reason I ask is that you express anger at the family because of your emotional response. Had it been a case that you were angry at them because of the dogs behaviour then this would be a normal response for someone with an issue with out of control dogs.

It may seem like splitting hairs but if I read this right, your anger was because your self control slipped and you directed this anger at them.

The reason I believe it worth reflecting on this is that it may indicate an area for self analysis (or better, with a therapist) to give you more emotional control when the unexpected happens and potentially give you more control over the factors that lead to meltdowns.

Twitch said:

Why does something most people would find trivial cause me such tension? I guess we're all looking for answers to those sort of questions.

This is what my comment above is looking towards - no criticism is intended.

My default mode is definitely passive but I can go from zero to Tasmanian Devil in a very short time if someone pushes the wrong button. The most common triggers are people's illogical (to my mind) behaviour, especially being inconsiderate to the needs of others, and that applies when it is shown to a third party, not just towards me. I feel an overwhelming urge to impart justice, by which I mean telling them they are ignorant, and highlighting the reason why. It's a kind of anger but intended more as a very blunt education. What makes me more angry is the fact that I let their behaviour affect me this way, but that anger dissipates quickly and often becomes regret or even a mild depression. Afterwards I find myself wondering what these people think of me for my attitude. Sometimes I shrug it off and say I don't care what they think, it's their fault for being ignorant assholes, but the time it hurt me most was when I was in a relationship and did it to the person I loved. In the end it drove her away. My biggest fear is that I will do the same if and when I start a new relationship. That's why I'm working so hard on trying to find coping mechanisms for my meltdowns. It's not easy, and it's going to take time, but with a bit of willpower, and good advice from folks who understand on this forum, I think I can make it.

My default mode is definitely passive but I can go from zero to Tasmanian Devil in a very short time if someone pushes the wrong button. The most common triggers are people's illogical (to my mind) behaviour, especially being inconsiderate to the needs of others, and that applies when it is shown to a third party, not just towards me. I feel an overwhelming urge to impart justice, by which I mean telling them they are ignorant, and highlighting the reason why. It's a kind of anger but intended more as a very blunt education. What makes me more angry is the fact that I let their behaviour affect me this way, but that anger dissipates quickly and often becomes regret or even a mild depression. Afterwards I find myself wondering what these people think of me for my attitude. Sometimes I shrug it off and say I don't care what they think, it's their fault for being ignorant assholes, but the time it hurt me most was when I was in a relationship and did it to the person I loved. In the end it drove her away. My biggest fear is that I will do the same if and when I start a new relationship. That's why I'm working so hard on trying to find coping mechanisms for my meltdowns. It's not easy, and it's going to take time, but with a bit of willpower, and good advice from folks who understand on this forum, I think I can make it.

Thanks for the advice, and a diagnosis that sounds perfectly feasible. Hair-trigger is an apt term so dysfunctional emotional regulation sounds rational to me. I will certainly have a look at the book you recommend. Unfortunately when my relationship ended I lost quite a lot in personal finance terms and at the same time was forced to take on a lot more necessary commitment from my own pocket, so to speak, which means I've struggled a bit financially and couldn't consider therapy at those prices right now. Maybe something to think about if and when finances stabilise. I do want to change and being here is definitely helping. The hardest thing is knowing what a healthy amount of venting looks like. Sometimes it's easy to forget that its not just those with ASD or other disorders that get angry, or lonely, or scared, or depressed.

Twitch said:

That's why I'm working so hard on trying to find coping mechanisms for my meltdowns.

I think what you may have (in my non-professional opinion) is dysfunctional emotional regulation. The sort of hair-trigger anger issues you report are a common symptom of this and are certainly something that the right therapy can help you with.

There is quite a good book on this that may be helpful in developing an approach to make this more balanced:

Self-Regulation and Mindfulness - Over 82 Exercises & Worksheets for Sensory Processing Disorder, ADHD, & Autism Spectrum Disorder - Varleisha D. Gibbs (2017)

ISBN: 9781683730620

There are plenty of other books on the subject but most of the ones I came across are aimed at therapists or professionals. I can give you their details if you like.

If you can afford it I would engage with a therapist with experience of autism and emotional regulation to develop a plan for this and occasional check-ins with them to work on progress, but at £40-50 an hour for the affordable ones it is not a cheap option.

You have to want to change for this to work and if you want any help along the way from us (even if just to vent from time to time) then we are here for you.