Published on 12, July, 2020
I decided to word my subject line that way because maybe I don't understand either but I deserve for loved one to try to "get" me. If both sides tried then I think we'd be ok.
That's basically it. I am just tired of being told that I am a problem. I think they see that I have a higher capacity and drive to attempt to figure the scenario out and they are just forcing everything to go their way by belittling me.
My kids are really the only two people who are taking the time to listen and learn right now. I am making a lot of internal changes and they are hearing me with my updated boundaries and needs. Everyone else is really hurting my feelings. That's not hyperbole. I mean everyone close to me. It's extra tough when it's from all angles and I don't really ever feel like I'm getting a break.
Chlotte said:I deserve for loved one to try to "get" me.
Hello Chlotte, do you mean your partner or close family?
Are you diagnosed with autism?
Chlotte said:Everyone else is really hurting my feelings.
To help us put this into context, are they aware of your autism and the work you are doing on yourself?
Sorry for the questions up front by I want to make sure I have the right context before offering any advice, assuming you want advice that is. Please let me know.
I hope we can both support you in your present situation and offer you some help to get things back to a healthier balance.
The questions are fine with me. I am in the US so I am "informally" diagnosed and getting the "formal" assessment in a couple weeks. The GP did an assessment but a specialist will do another.
Yes my partner and close family. In learning why I do some things or why some things are different for me, I am realizing that I am getting little consideration. For example, it is very hard for me to change things up for a request that's asked after my schedule has been made. I am open to doing the change up if a loved one needs but I am called selfish, even if my irritation is temporary and I handle it on my own. I now know that this is typical for people who think like I do and I can feel validated. I never felt like I was coming from a selfish place.
All my life I have felt smart but been dismissed a lot. I don't feel like typing a novel but I'll say that they have made me feel so bad that I want an IQ test to see if maybe I am also severely below average. But I finished college and my job requires me to hold 3 licenses where I do continuing education to keep. I know I am competent.
I don't have to be something special or treated exceptionally but I do think that it's typically in all areas of society to be made to feel worthy of respect and kindness.
From what you describe, it sounds like your family are not taking much notice of your potential autism and are sticking with their familiar routine of "leave it and Chlotte will do it".
This unfortunately is an old fashioned, ingrained behaviour that goes about as far back as civilisation. It seems particularly bad in more conservative environments where "proper" values are held and that those in the position of authority / control are quite content with the status quo because you are making their life easy.
I would suggest finding a way to explain what autism is for you - but only once you have your diagnosis as it will pobably take an "official" confirmation of the condition before they will even consider it - without it you are just a hysterical woman (in their eyes).
Once diagnosed, get your partner to read the following books:
Loving someone with Asperger's syndrome_ understanding & connecting with your partner - Ariel, Cindy N (2012)ISBN 9781608820771The Other Half of Asperger Syndrome - Maxine Aston (2013)ISBN 9781849054980
For you, I would recommend the following books:Very Late Diagnosis of Asperger Syndrome - Wylie, Philip_ Beardon, Luke_ Heath, Sara (2014)ISBN 9781849054331
and possibly:
Women and Girls with Autism Spectrum Disorder, Understanding Life Experiences from Early Childhood to Old Age - Sarah Hendrickx, Judith Gould (2015)ISBN 978 1 84905 547 5Autism in heels - the untold story of a female life on the spectrum - O'Toole, Jennifer Cook (2018)ISBN 9781510732841
With all these "official" guides they may start to take notice and you then need to consider how to negotiate a new balance on how everyone interacts with you.
I wouldn't think it reasonable for everyone to change for you for everything. Some adjustments need to be made and while you come to terms with the diagnosis and what it means for you, you can fine tune these as time goes on so you can be an effective part of the familiy unit and they can be considerate of your needs in the context of your discovery.
Expect some resistance - people don't like change, especially if it doesn't get them what they had before but hold firm and if you need to, play the "it's a disability" card to get something through that is really important to you.
We are here to listen and offer help with specific requests / issues so stick with us and we will have your back.
All the above is only my opinion of course and as an older male it should be taken in context that I may have some old school bias, but I really try not to.
My son has moved out and my daughter is 18. Also, I make more money than he does so I will be ok. I lucked into a career that pays well and works well with my "quarks."
I will get through this because I fall back on research. I will research why they behave this way and that tends to give me solace.
Chlotte said:I just keep thinking about how easy it would be to accept me and my "quarks" without any knowledge of my diagnosis. I
Bear in mind you are thinking with a neurodivergent mind about what a neurotypical mind may be thinking - they don't work in quite the same way as us.
I think you may be wise to plan ahead for what a separation would look like so you at least have a framework to plan to if your partner is not going to support you through as serious a diagnosis as autism.
Are your kids old enough to be independent? If so then letting your partner see you are willing to walk if he does not come around should be a wake up call for them.
Should they respond with signs of positivity then getting a couples counsellor would be my recommendation as your partner will be a bit lost as to what to do I suspect.
You are worth more than the value they have been placing on you.
Anyway, before taking any advice from a stranger on the internet, think it through and get independant council (friends ideally) and possibly a divorce lawyer if needed.
I hope they come around, but if not be prepared.
Good luck
My partner is not going to read anything unfortunately. I already know that. The relationship may be over. I will need a piece of paper for my family to take ke seriously at all so that's really the only reason I'm getting it.
I just keep thinking about how easy it would be to accept me and my "quarks" without any knowledge of my diagnosis. I mean they ALL have quarks and I have simply just learned who they are.