Arguments on the forum

Peter said:

In my view one or two comments went beyond simply bad advice into full blown accusation.

But if you really believe that to be genuinely the case why didn't you report it to a mod? And at the time it happened too? rarther than let it fester. That's what the mods are here for.

🐝 Bees 🐝 (they/them) Autism resources in bio #stoptheshock #NothingAboutUsWithoutUs said:

they really weren't being accused of doing something illegal, they were just advised not to stray into doing anything illegal, there is a difference.

In my view one or two comments went beyond simply bad advice into full blown accusation. And as other people will tell you this is not the first thread where this has happened. I’m tempted to get on my laptop later on maybe tomorrow and go through and make a list of such incidents but I’m not sure it would be that helpful.

Wow. Thanks for that. Horrible? I nearly died. As a 4 year old with her mouth smothered by an adult male.  I think you should "step back" as you put it. Why should I be excluded from discussions that are totally relevant to me? Have you been sexually assaulted? How is this even relevant to you? I'm not using language that excludes people from their experiences. Why don't you step back instead of telling me what I should do? Why are you making Debbie's post into a poll about your supposed victimisation? 

But if you are talking about the thread I think you mean they really weren't being accused of doing something illegal, they were just advised not to stray into doing anything illegal, there is a difference. Also nobody called for that OP to be kicked from the forum, the OP wasn't "cancelled" just because that post got really upsetting for some folks, the OP seemingly left of their own accord and are welcome to come back and make another post at any time. I don't think people realise, to use a metaphor and an analogy, just because folks are upset that doesn't necessarily mean, they are out with torches and pitchforks and that's not the fault of the people whose toes they stepped on if they have to shout "get off my toes."

Great idea!

Thank you for sharing this with us Ottilie. We definitely could learn to become more sensitive and aware of our influence on others. I agree with you wrote here too. I'm torn apart between two things, in the one hand it's extremely hard for me to read sexist comments against women rights, freedom or advocating for misogyny, ab*se or sometimes even worst and stay silent. I can't stay silent when someone is advertising for these ideologies. In the other hand I really don't want to participate in what would hurt people who are triggered by discussing these topics. I'm completely torn apart now. I would be grateful to know from you, how do you think these topics could be discussed (or not discussed) in a way that would include you and not trigger you?

I've gone from having a laisse faire attitude to being strongly polarised and politically active with some of my views as a result of my interactions on this forum.

Certain people have posted here material that I find shows them to be despicable people in the extreme who I do not want to be associated with, and I've reduced my participation here, generally, and avoided "their" threads like the plague, since my last mauling.

I evaluate the moderation here to be quite even handed, and strangely effective, tbf.

WE as members NEED TO DO BETTER by each other. 

It's difficult to achieve I know, when mainstream society is busy jumping the shark, over and over again... 

I'm so sorry to hear that you went through that, if it will help minimise your triggers is there a better degree of word cens*rship you'd like me to try remember to use instead or should I just try and put the TW in as early/at the top of, a post/reply as possible?

I think part of a problem in this specific situation is that the people are who are accused are often the openers of threads. And they’re often fairly new to the forum and one of the earliest experiences of the forum is being accused of something heinous. And mods response is typically to come along and lock the thread witch they have created reinforcing the impression that they have done something wrong.

The mods standard practice of dealing with difficult situations in threads actually sends totally the wrong message and it’s really alienating in that specific set of circumstances

Of course I care. That’s horrible and I am really sorry that happened to you. But I can’t agree that being an ally as you put it means not discussing important topics that the people in this forum need to address. i’m sorry you find it distressing. But if you find these conversations that need to happen distressing I think it is for you to step back from them. If that’s entitlement then it’s entitlement to speak and that is something male and female we all share. To speak and share our voices and points of view and opinions.

I’m not talking about banning anyone I should point out. i’m talking about banning a particular kind of accusation, made in public rather than through the proper channels.

I don't think insensitive is the correct phrasing, but yes despite rules there are a few repeat offenders that don't think or didn't think those rules apply to them and it creates a toxic and harmful environment.
People use the word accuse a lot, but say-so is one thing and proof is another. At the end of the day everyone has access to the community manager email to point out rule breaks and to tag mods on volatile posts, and if they feel rules have been broken should use those feautures as they are intended.
If people feel they have been slandered they should report it, and let it go in to the hands of the mods, because it this point it's becoming a paradox that people are accusing people of making accusations and seldom with substantiative proof, which if it exists should be taken to the mods rather than perpetuating the cycle of bad vibes.

I've been paying attention. You have the option to say nothing, just as I have over the years. Men dominating discussions, men dominating spaces, men making every thing about how it affects them is common and part of the problem. Why do you feel the need to even do this? You literally just started a poll about how people should be banned on here. You could have started a poll on anything. You could choose to be an ally. You could choose to channel your energy to improve things, but no you choose to bring up rape and sexual abuse and how offended you are by females discussing this in a way that you don't agree with. You aren't creating a safe space. You literally triggered me earlier. Do you care? Do you care that I was 4 years old and nearly died as I was suffocated by a male relative that was violating me? That's what my body and mind relives every time those words are spoken. If you don't have the sensitivity to understand what sexual assault is and the lifelong trauma that results from it then say nothing. Keep quiet. Just as I do when I don't fully understand something. It's not difficult. You are complicit in what happened recently. You're not a victim. You showed some vile opinions that stink of entitlement and insensitivity. If you get backlash over that then you shouldn't be surprised. 

I am very loath to actively participate in any discussion of this type, due to the malicious abuse I suffered.

I like to think of it as an autistic strength. but it does require a certain level of civility to avoid things blowing up

I tend to agree. Harsh words are being banded about on both sides. But insensitivity is not a crime much less a hate crime. It would be nice if we could all be a little kinder even if we don’t agree with each other. But both sides need to take some responsibility for agitating the situation.

I hope this will make you smile instead. We are nice people, don't leave just yet!

I really like reading your comments and your contribution here in general. I'm really sorry that I've been a part of what eventually made you feel uncomfortable. I really hope that you won't leave the community because of that!.

Insensitivity is not the worst thing perpetrated on threads like this, believe me.

I've come close to leaving several times because frankly, these arguments usually happen around matters of sex or whether something is 'woke', and I inevitably feel like some people aren't safe to speak to about those topics. I try to give people the benefit of the doubt because as autistic folks we can easily be misunderstood even by each other, but there have been things said in these conversations that are hugely insensitive to people's lived experiences and it makes me really uncomfortable about sharing my own.