Published on 12, July, 2020
Let's face it, I'm not and never will be cut out for the adult world in any way, shape or form. I feel like I'm only pretending to be eighteen, when really I'm a scared little girl who needs to be protected. But because I'm trapped in an adult's body I'm expected to do all the things normal people do and be good at them: go to college, find work experience, become independent. I'm not ready for any of that. I didn't grow up, I was dragged up.
I'm not even sure I want to do this course any more. It isn't what I thought it would be. How can I enjoy it when it seems like everything we learn we have to find out ourselves, and the practical sessions at the moment seem suspiciously like an excuse to get us doing the jobs the animal technicians can't be bothered with? I can't do an assessment on something I know nothing about. And waking up at 7.30 every morning means I'm constantly borrowing from tomorrow's 'spoons' just to get through the day.
It turns out the deadline for deciding the course isn't for you is this week. I was assured I could back out at any time. To think that I could soon be trapped on a course I'm not enjoying, especially now I have work experience somewhere where they want me in at 8.00, is terrifying. I'm not sure even counting the weeks until it's over, as I have been doing, can get me through that.
If it just came down to whether or not I want to do the course, I think I'd give it up. College clearly isn't for people like me. But it's not just that. I'd also be giving up the first friendship group I've ever had, the heap of money my family spent in order for me to do the course would be wasted, and I'd be just as screwed as everyone said I'd be if I didn't do the course. And also, my tutor's been very kind to me and I don't want to throw it in her face.
I'm now realising just what I pointless life I lead. A neurotic, autistic teenager who needs 12 hours of sleep to function is about as much use as a chocolate teapot. I'm just taking up space on the overpopulated planet and being a nuisance to everyone who knows me. I'm nothing but a fairytale character without a story, and if not even my own father wants me around, I shouldn't exist. If I could change time so that the baby my mum miscarried was born instead of me, I would.
I think also it is important to say that for people on the spectrum "knowledge is power", not in the conventional sense, but because having knowledge, and knowing how to expand it and develop it, gives people on the spectrum advantages and opportunities.
Its why I feel parents who go on about their son or daughter being on the computer too much would be better to do a trade on how the computer is used, rather than rationing computer access - try to get their child to do some knowledge widening and enlargement of the skills developed from what they enjoy doing, so they find more applications for their computer interest.
However frustrating this course may seem, if you stick with it, and overcome the difficulties, you will know more, and see how to continue expanding that knowledge, and finding new knowledge areas. So even if the course doesn't lead to jobs it will give you more things to fill your time with, to beat the depression and improve self-esteem.
I do think you need to talk to a tutor about getting access to the materials without having to get it through team work or pairing, as that is something difficult for someone on the spectrum to do, and having taken on a student on the spectrum, this college should not turn back on that undertaking, and expect to get away with poor provision.
While universities were kicked fairly hard to accommodate disability (even if there is some backlash and receding of provision now), FE colleges and agricultural colleges don't seem to have been pushed enough, and it is clear some colleges fall disgracefully short on DDA provision.