Published on 12, July, 2020
Let's face it, I'm not and never will be cut out for the adult world in any way, shape or form. I feel like I'm only pretending to be eighteen, when really I'm a scared little girl who needs to be protected. But because I'm trapped in an adult's body I'm expected to do all the things normal people do and be good at them: go to college, find work experience, become independent. I'm not ready for any of that. I didn't grow up, I was dragged up.
I'm not even sure I want to do this course any more. It isn't what I thought it would be. How can I enjoy it when it seems like everything we learn we have to find out ourselves, and the practical sessions at the moment seem suspiciously like an excuse to get us doing the jobs the animal technicians can't be bothered with? I can't do an assessment on something I know nothing about. And waking up at 7.30 every morning means I'm constantly borrowing from tomorrow's 'spoons' just to get through the day.
It turns out the deadline for deciding the course isn't for you is this week. I was assured I could back out at any time. To think that I could soon be trapped on a course I'm not enjoying, especially now I have work experience somewhere where they want me in at 8.00, is terrifying. I'm not sure even counting the weeks until it's over, as I have been doing, can get me through that.
If it just came down to whether or not I want to do the course, I think I'd give it up. College clearly isn't for people like me. But it's not just that. I'd also be giving up the first friendship group I've ever had, the heap of money my family spent in order for me to do the course would be wasted, and I'd be just as screwed as everyone said I'd be if I didn't do the course. And also, my tutor's been very kind to me and I don't want to throw it in her face.
I'm now realising just what I pointless life I lead. A neurotic, autistic teenager who needs 12 hours of sleep to function is about as much use as a chocolate teapot. I'm just taking up space on the overpopulated planet and being a nuisance to everyone who knows me. I'm nothing but a fairytale character without a story, and if not even my own father wants me around, I shouldn't exist. If I could change time so that the baby my mum miscarried was born instead of me, I would.
For one thing many people aren't quite ready for study beyond school at 18, not just people on the spectrum, but I think there needs to be more understanding in the system for people on the spectrum to get more time.
Personally, reaching 18 in 1968 without a diagnosis, I wasn't even making any headway at school let alone being capable of anything more advanced. But at 21, I went to University and by 30 had a PhD.
Possibly you are also affected by the sudden disappearance of help at 18, this so-called "transition" that everyone talks about but nobody in official positions of responsibility seems able to get their heads round.
It sounds like you are doing animal welfare at an FE or Agricultural College. Some people on the spectrum chose courses they suppose will not involve interfacing with people, but most things do. There may be information you are not picking up, which is collectively understood from non-verbal components of briefings and instructions. Ask for your module information to be given to you as a written brief.
As a retired lecturer it does annoy me how many lecturers use the "discuss in groups what you don't know - I'm just here to facilitate" approach. I know it well, the lecturer in my "post compulsory certificate of education course" at the start of my teaching career did the entire thing this way. Its just lazy lecturing.
A good lecturer should compile up-to-date stimulating material, and package it in a good lesson plan, with good visual aids, and informed discussion sessions that build on student's contributions to lead to a productive and challenging and informative outcome. Instead you get these jokers with no teaching material who expect you to do the work without any insight or direction from them.
Teaching of that sort is not good for a person on the spectrum, because you can only determine what you are supposed to do from discussion with the rest of your discussion group, and that takes all the skills of teamwork. You need to talk to a senior tutor about this, because if this is what is happening, its not suitable teaching for someone on the spectrum.
Nevertheless you will also be advised to read around the subject matter independently, but the lecturer is supposed to provide direction and inspiration, not sit in the room doing marking or private letters while the students work through some ill defined enquiry in discussion groups, with little or no teacher input. Nor is this idea that getting the students to do odd jobs with animals gets around doing any real teaching.
If its any comfort though, most students don't like the facilitator approach to teaching, but despite student feedback forms being full of objections to it, many colleges and universities just don't seem to realise it is poor teaching.