How do you manage professional relationships?

It is quite weird that people accept reality....but don't want to hear you make utterances about that same reality.  "The truth hurts" is one of those phrases that confounds my brain.

Good point, well made Iain.

Having a very strong moral compass is a frigging nightmare when you find yourself embroiled in complex socio-managerial issues in a commercial context.  Like you, I too have found myself ostracised for trying to do the only "right" thing available to me.

VLD said:

my inability to lie gave me a reputation as a reliable source of information.

Being a manager, this can often lead to issues.

I found myself being ordered to tell only the management authorised version of the truth (sometimes as accurate as Fox News sadly) for stuff I knew was going to impact my team.

I would push back, highlighting the issues that this would cause the people I was responsible for but this led in several cases to the management not renewing my contract.

My autistic moral compass proved a liability for myself in my management career, so it can be a disability.

I've made friends with people from 20s up to 70s through shared hobbies. Connections seem to happen automatically if you keep going along to the same thing every week. Granted I find it easier to have the energy to do those activities since my work doesn't involve any social contact.

The majority of people I've ended up close to are autistic, interestingly, despite the groups I met them in being open to everyone.

I see no reason to change the way I make friends. If my 74-year-old friend is still making friends through her hobbies, I don't see why I won't be able to when I reach that age.

Thanks. i have been trying to think how i can explain things ... If i can think of a way, i will give it a go.

Have you disclosed your autism at work?

If so, you can ask your colleague if you can have a chat - explain about the autism and the fact you have problems with knowing the rules of social interactions and that you feel you may have done something to upselt them.

Ask them to be direct (preferrably not rude) and explain it so you can understand and not do it any more.

Tell them it means a lot to you as you think they are really decent people and you hate not knowing if you have upset them.

I found openess and asking to put right any wrong you may have caused will get the decent people to open up and get you back into a better relationship - and it they are just being a grump because their goldfish left them for the cat or whatever, then they are probably best to leave to themselves until they find a new goldfish (and you have one less thing to worry about).

That is what I have done before and found it worked.

Same here. Only problem was when I had incompetent bosses who I could not respect. For some reason they never appreciated me telling them when they are wrong. This meant I kept moving until I got bosses who I could respect. 

Thank you :) I was offered to do a PhD by two people when I was studying and people generally found it baffling that I stopped pursuing that career, some were even offended that I was turning my back on it. It's a strange world and one I'm glad I'm not a part of

Okay, I'm happy for you :) and I'm really glad that someone sees my point!. Most people, specially who work there, are so happy about the social status academia gives them and don't like to discuss how it could use lot of improvement. Some others think of it as the "new religion" and get offended when I describe it as partly being "business". 

Oh yes, I was put off by academia for similar reasons. The academic culture is toxic. I work in behind the scenes administration which is surprisingly relaxed in comparison. At least in my role, things seem much more authentic.

Actually, the main reason why I don't want to work in Academia is not really about magnifying ones knowledge and being socially skilled. It's about the relationship itself and how professional it is expected to be. For me professional equals fake. Because of it, I can't just wear my favourite sweater every single day and hang around in conferences in sneakers or talk just authentically without using sophisticated elegant words and the hardest part, when I feel pressured to not ask many questions while having a conversation that seem "obvious" or "stupid", I'm expected to be smart but actually there are plenty of things in their conversations that are vague and unclear to me that I just nod to. personally am just unable to be formal or rigid. I prefer to be me and that's not professional. That's not fake. In that environment, you get the respect based on your publications and prestige not by being social. The prestige thing feels like one more fake part of it. People research what is going to guarantee them lot of citings and not always what actually needs to be researched. Neurodivergents are an example of it or genders other than men, women or minorities in general. Their issues just don't get as much attention. Research is another place where money rules. If it's not a popular research problem, they don't invest in it much. I wondered for so long why the world feels so fake to me.. I still respect academic world for not respecting loudness or inflated self-confidence but respecting results and effort.

It's definitely helpful. I sort of felt this way "loud less qualified person stealing my pie" in different situations too. Maybe there's part of the problem in my own belief that it's enough to be good at what you do which is the main reason that I've never been motivated enough to learn how to "steal pies". It's a very good point to consider the environment too. In my previous joby boss was aware if my skills and gave me the space and attention to listen to my knowledge and I didn't have to force it on the table with loud confidence and social skills. I'm not sure if all bosses would be as smart as that one tho, but your comment makes me hopeful. Maybe I will start an architectural studio one day and hire mostly neurodivergent people just to make the world a bit more fair for us. 

Hi Ree this is a really good question and a really hard one to answer. For me, it has really varied depending on my team and workplace. 

In my fist 'real'job I had clashes with collegues a fair amount because I didn't understand the social rules. They also weren't nice people and the job wasn't suited to me so I don't think there's much that could have been done in such a situation.

Different jobs and teams allow for different levels of authenticity and self-expression. A very corporate London environment can be quite draining even for neurotypicals.

I work at a University and, although there is work to be done still, neurodivergence is more understood and listened to here than when I worked in healthcare (weirdly). We even have a team who I think are well known as more members than not having some form of neurodivergence. I have been very lucky in that my managers have been very supportive and happy to make adjustments (without a diagnosis). I'll be talking to my wider team about things as well once I have a diagnosis and can talk about things verbally without such a visceral emotional reaction and will report back. I have line management responsibilities so I hope by talking about my neurodivergence at work it will help make a more inclusive workplace for others.

So, tangent aside, it might be worth considering If your current job is the ideal one for you. If you're in the wrong environment you may not be able to express youself because of the culture and that's reflective of the job not you.

From my experience I changed my perspective on what I expected people to be like. Managing my expectations and the fallout if they don't happen is a whole big thing for me but that's another story. Anyway, I initially expected people to understand me, see my point of view, and act in ways I was comfortable with. I now understand differences more and have lowered my expectations for easy communication.

I didn't used to appreciate small talk but now I can appreciate the value that other people place in it and I quite like how someone smiles when I ask how they are or when I say some 'funny' stock response relating to the weather. I understand that this builds rapport for some neurotypicals and somewhere down the line I have transitioned from worrying about what to say and how (and WHY) to enjoying this part of my job. 

In terms of teamwork, I tend to take the role of organiser. People changing their minds drives me crazy too. I usually write summaries of what was agreed and circulate so that there is a trail to refer back to and people have a shared understanding. Where possible I draw up this list in front of people (word document on screen share using video conferencing software or on a whiteboard for example). This also gives me a place to naturally insert my thoughts " OK, so it seems like some people think X. Before I write it down, what about the effects of Y?". Teamworking can be stressful though especially if your colleges are not considerate in those cases maybe a different job with more independent working would relieve some pressure on yourself.

I hope this helps a little bit. Happy to talk more!

It's actually affecting my self-confidence. I know that I study something very deeply that I understand it probably in better depth than others, but I also realise that my knowledge will never become 100% full knowledge. I don't like to brag, maybe I should do so a bit. When the moment comes to actually show my knowledge and put it in use, the louder ones steal the pie from me even if their knowledge isn't that good. Am I supposed to become loud?!. I kind of refused to believe that this is how things work. I'm willing to reconsider and play their sick game and be loud even if I don't have full idea about what I'm talking about?!. Any tips on this?

Maybe I need to attend lot of meetings before I get enough skills in managing myself in one of them. I'm not a source of info in my meetings, I'm discussing how things should be designed and I don't have the skills to push for my opinion. Not everyone is ready to out of the box solution and they feat failure because they will be first to test it. I don't have the skill to sell my idea or advertise for it, push it to happen, convince the team that it's the best.. it's mostly because of my social skills and any tip on how to change that is appreciated. 

People used to tell me that I should look confident and assertive. Raise your voice and don't be scared to interrupt. Be confident in how good you are even if you need to fake it. I tried to read somethings about the topic.. didn't really see the change. I'm definitely not a loud one but prefer my work to be perfect instead. I know that our team fears what's outside the box. 

My job involved packing in as many meetings as possible into each day. Ditching the small talk made me far more efficient at my job and others knew they would not have to waste time on it. Meetings were all on my pet subject. Meetings were usually all in different places so driving between meetings gave me the me time to recharge. Knowing my subject so well and my inability to lie gave me a reputation as a reliable source of information. My ability to think outside the box gave me an ability to problem solve quickly.

Now tell me my Autism was a disability! 

Yep. I tend to see all people as equals and evalutate them based on their performance, as opposed to their job title.

I have a local autistic meetup this weekend. That will be my first attempt at being social for 10 years or so.

If i can get that to work, maybe i will be less sensitive about work interactions.

Yes but also lonely. Once people get past their 20s it seems like most people make friends through couples stuff and work stuff. Since I don't do so through work and I don't have a GF that leaves me trying to make friends the way I did in my 20s. Not that I mind I still prefer those activities. But the age gap does feel like an issue in terms of being welcome and accepted.

that sounds like a good idea.