Autistic Sex Reputation (NSFW)

Not being diagnosed doesn't make an autistic person become neurotypical, and the people that hunt for autists already know what to look for. My ex narcissistic girlfriend knew I was autistic before I did, and in retrospect, she used it to manipulate and abuse me. From the unsolicited stories she gossiped about her ex, I'm guessing he was autistic too. I'm still suffering the consequences of that relationship.

Her role model is her big sister who married an autistic guy, and that poor guy is so miserable. Everyone knows he is being abused just by looking at him. He's so scared and selfless. It's like he's not even present because he has checked out. The stories I've heard about that relationship belong in a psychology textbook. It's really sad and concerning that people like her exist free in the community. It's like meeting a person that seems nice and later find out that they are a dangerous cartel/mafia. Scary. Anyway, there are definitely predators out there that consciously hunt for and groom autistic people for their own personal gain at the cost to the victim. We are vulnerable to manipulation, and Cluster B personalities are experts at it.

I think that cancelling the assessment won't be the most helpful for your concern and your overall well-being. Still, I can understand your concern and believe it is quite valid. Maybe if you were assessed, you could find a service that would help you with that so you won't have to deal with it as much.

Martin said:

have been outrageously verbally abused and insulted (again!) by  HP35 in this thread, I have hit the report button numerous times, but the post remains. I do not understand.

I expected that post to be removed too and was disappointed that it wasn't.

There are some very personally directed negative comments in this thread that I find quite disturbing are still here.

Clare Mod

@Clare Mod, have been outrageously verbally abused and insulted (again!) by  HP35 in this thread, I have hit the report button numerous times, but the post remains. I do not understand.

HP35 plays the 'victim card' often, but repeatedly writes abusive, dismissive or derisive posts directed at others. I seem to be the main victim, but others have also suffered, even in this thread. HP35 expects respect, and for their views to be respected, but does not extend respect to anyone whose point of view differs from theirs even slightly.

Well let me just put my devils advocate hat on for a moment. It sucks that you drifted from your friend because you didn't like their jokes but surely that's a natural thing. Would it have been any different if he made dark death and violence based jokes? Like ok here are 2 parodies of the same song, One based on sexual humour and one based on dark death based humour I think they are both funny so why is humour based on violence just considered off colour and if it's based on sex its threatening? Surely it should be the other way around? If you don't share your friends sense of humour and don't want to hang out with him because of it that's fine but I wouldn't characterise it as his fault.

As for looking at your breasts are you really sure he did so more than any other man? Or was he just less able to be subtle about it? I'm not an artist but I dare say it's quite a common thing for artists to sketch out what they think their crush might look like naked. I suppose the rare thing might be that he told you he'd done it.

I think it's quite common for a persons sexual appreciation of a persons body and the persons personality to be relatively separate. I mean consider the platonic admiration of another's body. If a person is in awe of a sports man and his prowess does it have anything to do with that sportsman's personality most of the time? Almost all sports fans are attracted to sportsmen for what their bodies can do not their personalities and we think of that as quite normal. If I say the way Beckham can kick a ball so hard and far is incredible, and i do sketches of David Beckham kicking footballs, is that objectifying him? It's got nothing to do with his personality after all I don't know him.

You know as autistic people we are often more open and direct about things. To the point of making others uncomfortable. And most of the time we say quite happily that's just an adjustment you have to make dealing with autistic people. Dealing with the openness. So why shouldn't the same argument hold true when it's openness about sex? Just because we live in a society that is more hung up about openness around sex than most things. Doesn't seem like a good enough reason to me.

Hi online community users,

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Clare Mod

I used to have a friend who was 26 years old and never experienced sex. Never experienced love or even a hug.

cool im 33 so now you know a 33 year old who has never experienced any of that too lol
id probably flinch from anyone trying to get close now out of it being weird and alien, not normal thing.

Peter, I used to have a friend who was 26 years old and never experienced sex. Never experienced love or even a hug. I can truly feel how painful that is. The pain is definitely real. Not feeling beautiful or wanted or worthy of a hug, it just sucks.. on the other hand we stopped being friends because he didn't know how to express his needs in an appropriate way. He didn't respect my boundaries, kept staring at my breast, kept making sexual jokes, drew me naked in his sketch book and kept objectifying women and never cared about what else they have in their hearts or minds, he cares only about their bodies. I'm trying to say, even tho your pain is real and big, how you express it and behave on it is a completely different thing. I think this is where the discussion is getting tangled and complicated. I really wish you would find the love that you deserve 

Yes I was just mussing that it’s almost the opposite of casual sex. Some one who wants only casual sex wants a sexual interaction but not a romantic one. Where as some ace people want a romantic relationship without sexual interaction.

From each persons perspective the other is kind of pointless in their efforts. Like an NPC put in a game that doesn’t do anything but fill out a crowd.

So close and yet so far, bear in mind being asexual doesn't actually have any bearing of if a person wants a relationship that is serious or casual. For all we know HP35 is looking for another asexual for a long term monogamous relationship, possibly even a soulmate to share teh rest of their life with.

It’s basically inverse casual sex. there are people who want casual sex that involves the orgasm but doesn’t necessarily involve the intimacy and hypothetically speaking it can be the other way around to.

Aye that's it.

No I do think I understand this one. One can desire the romantic closeness of intimate conversation and honesty and commitment to another human being. And also a lot of the platonic physical affection that comes with those sorts of relationships, hugging and just generally being close and affectionate to another person, without actually wanting to do anything sexual; something that would involve or naturally lead to an orgasm.

HP35 said:

I experience romantic attraction.

so your not asexual then?

Non respondi tibi. Respondeo nunc non ego.

You know I think it’s important to set straight that  the manipulation of autistic people into sexual situations is not just a question of lies of love. people saying ‘oh but I love you so you must do this for me’ or ‘if you really loved me you would do this for me’ or ‘everybody else is doing it.’ yes that sort of manipulation does happen but there is another very important form of manipulation that can take place.

that’s manipulation in the form of simple aggressive bullying. Autistic people from a very young age are often getting into conflict unintentionally and adults around them typically blame them for this. There is a tendency to internalise that blame to believe that all conflict that occurs is their fault and if they don’t avoid conflict they are bad people. Parents foolishly say things like well if you just ignore them they’ll stop bullying you which of course ignore the fact but many bullies do not merely bully to amuse themselves they bully because they want something; lunch money or some other thing.

unfortunately it’s the same with sex. these autistic people can grow up to be just afraid to assert them selves, to say no and unfortunately that Marks some out as targets for bullying and also for sexual bullying where bullies will attempt to get them to agree to sexual things to give them sexual favours because they know they are adverse to conflict and that they are afraid to say no.

and this can trigger a vicious cycle because furthermore they are bullied for more they are afraid to say no more passive they become which marks them out more clearly as targets for exactly the sort of treatment that they are hoping to avoid.

It starts off subtly with so-called soft no’s and soon they just don’t even say no soon they even say yes until people who aren’t even bullying them they say yes to not because they’re being bullied but because they’re now so conditioned to fear any level of assertiveness but saying no it’s just too difficult for them

it starts off subtly with so-called soft ‘no’s’ and soon they just don’t even say no, soon they even say yes; until people who aren’t even bullying them they say yes to not because they want to but  they’re now so conditioned to fear any level of assertiveness or directness that saying no it’s just too difficult for them.

And I’m not suggesting for a moment that individuals who have had this experience are in any way to blame. I am however saying that this is a very good reason why it’s important from a very early age to teach autistic children that conflict is okay and that there are situations in which aggression is appropriate. I think for autistic people more than most people ‘no’ has to mean no and ‘no’ has to be said when you mean no. I think that’s one of the few ways for us to be clear navigating these sorts of situations. We need to teach our children hard direct nos as the norm.

Apparently, I'm evidently autistic and I found out a month ago at 40 years old.  Looking back, lots of people definitely knew based on how they would treat me.  Even if they didn't think I was" autistic", they knew I was socially different at the least.

I can't remember exactly, but I think I may have stumbled upon it in an autism sub.  And yes, while it is one person's idea, it did have enough upvotes to show others agreed.  They even had a joke name for it that I think would be considered inappropriate to post in this forum, but it started with "autt" for "autism" and a vulgar word for female genitals.

Allfunktup said:

If I ever do it again, it will be with someone who's is prepared to talk about it properly so it doesn't feel like I'm tying to change a tire in the rain with no experience.

Yes!  Communication is the key.

Yep!  I just got out of a relationship with a covert narc that manipulated and hurt me for pleasure.  Even scarier is that she was a mental health counselor herself, so she had academic training and clinical experience to know how to manipulate even better.  I've gone no contact and, despite the post-narcissistic abuse symptoms/pain, my life has improved vastly.