How did your friends react when you told them about your autism?

battybats said:

which is ironic given that so many believe we're the ones who can't empathise

i know, right‽ the reason i dont look at people in the eyes is because i empathize too much and lose myself. the only time i stare at someone's eyes is when being intimate. then, i release the autism empathy

Yeah, I definitely think it's a lack of knowledge. They're gonna find out all about it now though whether they like it or not

Could be worse, at least nobody's told me I don't look autistic yet!

They already knew.  I was the last to find out lol.  In fact, it was a friend that pointed it out to me.  He said he hadn't told me before because he thought I knew since it was so blaringly obvious.  Welp, not to me!  Kinda makes sense now why all my long-term friends are autistic (see username).  I then went and saw a psychologist that conducted the ADOS-2, and she confirmed it.  I then called each of my friends, and they all basically said something like, "We're both autistic."  OMG, I was soooo oblivious.

The friends in my head were delighted at my diagnosis, well, most of them. . .

There's no happy medium. Often people are either "not autistic enough" or "too autistic".

I am testing the waters by starting telling people that I need something not because I am autistic but just because I need it. I've found that's what neurotpyical people would do because often they don't have anything to explain it away with.

Excellently explained.  I feel exactly the same way.

I mostly don't tell them.  Have found, over the years, that the label (while handy for finding resources and information) is an obstacle between people. They don't really understand what it entails, and that's what they really need to know...   so instead of being like "I'm autistic"  and then being seen as "that autistic lady" forever-- a liability, or potential landmine--  With friends, I explain individual things, briefly,  like "sorry, my neurology's weird and those lights are really bothering me-- let's move somewhere outside"  or (why don't you join the ladies' auxiliary?) "the ladies all seem really nice, but I'm socially retarded and large groups of women are terrifying-- I just can't"  or (when asked about a favorite subject) "Stop me if it's too much information: I love (xyz topic) more than any normal, sane person could, and could keep going all day, and I will not be offended."  Friends already very aware that I'm rather odd, and they have chosen to be friends anyway--  usually they're pretty odd as well, and we are friends because we're willing to put up with each other's oddities.   So any time something specific related to the autism comes up, or needs an explanation, it's more helpful to explain just that one thing-- "eh, thanks for the invite, but crowds are overwhelming. I don't think I'd have a good time, but it sounds like something right up your alley, and I hope you'll tell me about it after"

This way, I'm a person, with some oddities that friends tolerate. Eccentric. With a label...  I become the label and the person goes away. 

Its really interesting you say this. The support and affirming comments have come largely from others I would consider to be neurodivergent (some with diagnoses some with my own "radar") the ones who were more dismissive whether this be intentional or not have been the people I would consider "neurotypical". Your vibe is your tribe as they say.

There is a considerable lack of research and understanding on Autism. The history of understanding has gone through wobbles, been dropped, been discarded and so on. It can be smart to speak to others regarding the Autistic Difference by recognising where THEY are at. There's reasons for this, as society in general has become more homogenised in thinking due to inter-connectivity, and then algorithms creating all kinds of unreasonable expectations. The NT brain is not as malleable after a certain age due to synaptic pruning which it has been theorised we might not have - their brains being like a meticulous garden & ours a wild field of all kinds of ecology maybe tended at best by foragers.

I'd also like to help on a pragmatic level. "My" autism individualises a thing and further isolates something which actually connects a collective of individuals, and makes the collective remarkably unique - give or take. Calling something Mine was originally invented as a way to sell a product or advertise a shop: My Tesco, My H&M, My latte, My iPhone, It creates Exclusivity through inclusion/exclusion. You'll notice this with things like Microsoft who try to tell you cult-like you're part of their 'family'.

Autistics are already too marginalised, to continue to say My dyslexia or My ADHD only might suggest there is no scientific proof or grounding behind this, anyone can join, anyone can be anything, we're all a little this or that. "My" way suggests are no definitions and limits. But in fact, there are. This might be the ONLY strength behind "I have... " (red hair, something else others "have"). 

If you think of Autistic biology like a personality, this helps. We're a bit like Planet X or the 13the mysterious star sign, as the very few fundamental values which make us all unique - a difference with language, with sense-perception and the monotropic brain, create a unique being: creative but pragmatic. Chaotic and logical. 

It can be good to define finding more about the self, one's strengths and limits. "It turns out I'm autistic! (or 'on the spectrum' if this is all they understand). I guess I use language different, so feel free to help if it sounds like I don't understand." Or "is it possible to sit outside? I didn't realise it was ok to ask to not have to put up with the harsh lights and loud music in the cafe, it turns out I don't dull my senses the same being autistic! Crazy. And I'd love to be able to focus on our conversation". << Note - affirming the other when you'd like them to affirm you, realllllllly helps.  Also note, when first discussing, it can be better to intentionally with hold information and only say this in passing when it matters. Allow others to inquire further. 

Sorry to hear that, Ree. My own mother taught in a special needs school before retiring, so I think she may have been masked even to herself (if she is autistic, I think there are traits but I can't be sure) and it certainly made spotting my own expert-level masking (mostly learned from my father I think, who - again...) even more unlikely to happen. We had an understanding from her teaching experiences of what autistic looked like, and to dare to claim that identity would have seemed crazy when I was growing up. Much less so now of course!

I've had a similar range, between colleagues ,friends, and family:

Family: Mostly pretty chatty about it, on several occasions, and pleased to know it helped to find out. It's a also prompted a bit of self-examination in them. My brother is being assessed for ADHD (and possible autism) in August. My sister was the only one who initially went 'No, I don't see it, we're all a bit, everyone says they're autistic these days' but to be fair to her when I said 'I can assure you I didn't seek a diagnosis at age 44 to be trendy, it takes a lot to end up in that place' she did ring back later and say 'yes, I see what you're saying'. She's meant well, but then saw it wasn't quite the way to discuss it. 

Friends: I don't have many 'IRL' ones so this won't take long: One was spot on about it, though maybe a bit low key to start with. just thinking about it. But has since sent me links to articles on it etc. to show he's taken it on board, gets me better now, etc. Another friend is the person who tipped the balance for me towards seeking diagnosis, as she gently brought it up in a text: 'do you think you might be..?' and fairly out of the blue after we'd been out of contact for a while. So she has my eternal gratitude and of course reacted appropriately when it was confirmed, and I was thanking her and thanking her! Another friend of mine has an autistic son and it's considerably less masked so I feel uneasy talking about it too much in case it sounds like I'm going to the child's parents 'See, I'm the same' (see our 'Levels' diplomacy thread from earlier in the month) which.... just... no. But it helps that he (my friend) did say (even before I got my diagnosis) that 'maybe the apple doesn't fall far from the tree' with his son - in other words he believes he may himself be autistic/level 1 (possibly his wife too, like attracts like) though when I asked him if he'd want to know for sure he said he didn't feel he personally needed that. He believes that the tiny group of friends we're in found each other for a reason, with neurodiversity being in each of us in some way ort other. The other friend in that group of three fellas is a GP, and the least in contact. And for some reason I never did get to telling him. I think I'm tentative about it as he might be hand-wavey about it and make me feel invalidated. Even though I can see in him some traits of neurodiversity and he has become very reclusive since himself getting married, basically never leaving the house. As a near-hermit myself, I don't judge - but it is telling perhaps 

Colleagues: A range, with most of it in that indifferent middle that you describe so well. One person said: 'Yes, I could have told you that for nothing' - in a nice way, and it made me feel seen. One or two have been in the 'Ah sure we're all, it's no big deal' - those have been the worst ones, unintentionally making me feel like I'd made a big deal over nothing to get attention or something!  Most have been accepting and a general air of non-surprise has been common. There's a slight fuzziness in my work situation insofar as its an environment - a library withing a university - that draws to its ranks a higher than average percentage of the neurodiverse anyway. I'm only aware of one other officially autistic colleague, and one ADHD one, and I'd say that annoying 'sure we're all on the spectrum' thing is actually legitimately a bit more true in that building/campus just because of the types of people who live/work in that introverted (mostly), sometimes eccentric, and generally scholarly bubble. But... I think those who are (and it's by no means everyone even in my workplace!) are nearly always on the bridge between firmly neurotypical and defintely over the line but not over it  (as I now know I am) into the realms of the officially autistic by the criteria of the DSM5. I wonder who, if anyone, among my colleagues, if given the chance to sit that test for free would also be over the line. I suspect few, ultimately. Maybe none. As I said, I think it takes more than occasional jokey self-deprecation about being 'a bit on the spectrum' to bring you to an assessor's door. True burnout, invisible and regular distress, feeling very misaligned in the world, finding change or even its possibility very upsetting, not just momentarily flummoxing, and so on. 

In a strange way, working among many people on that fuzzy bridge makes the awkwardness of the reveal a bit more intense perhaps. Or rather the disappointment at the slight so-what-ness of reactions a little greater. Because I'm different enough to be more challenged, but it's so invisble and masked to those who are  quirky and/or quiet but very relaxed about change and gossip and similar that I'm never sure if they just think I've tried to make myself extra special. That's more my own overthink than the actual reality, but it's all a bit muddy.

friendoffelines said:

I'm devastated as she is the one person I would have thought would understand.

You have my most sincere sympathy, because I know PRECISELY what you mean.  It hurts and makes you feel a little more empty inside.

The penny dropped for me at the grand old age of 61 when I saw the Chris Packham doc. I researched it deeply (of course I did!) and it was SO blindingly obvious that I cried with relief. ALL my friends bar one laughed and said they thought I knew I was and they loved me regardless which was wonderful. Unfortunately, one of my closest friends, a retired head mistress said I had no right telling people that I was autistic unless I had been offiocially diagnosed.

She then proceded to tell me all the strange things I had done and the strange reactions I had to different situations like I was doing it on purpose. I'm devastated as she is the one person I would have thought would understand.

I told two friends, the first said,” I thought you was autistic.” He is severely dyslexic so is neurodiverse, the second one thought I was autistic as well and then revealed he was diagnosed 10 years ago as autistic. I told one neurotypical person who I thought would really understand, I got a pat on the back and told, “ We are all on the spectrum somewhere.” Family have been the hardest part, I now don’t tell them anything. My siblings treat it like the elephant in the room, i tried but it was very much I explained how autism affects me and I’m then told how it doesn’t. My mothers best one was,” No, autistic people don’t talk and stare at the wall.” My assessment forms and questionnaires were all accepted without parental input.

I'm a couple of decades older than you so I no longer fear rejection because I have become very accustomed and numb to it to a large extent. However, I do remember just how increasingly worried I was becoming at your age "why doesn't anyone really seem to like me / understand what I'm about.". I think I was fighting hard for acceptance, connection and understanding......rather than fearing rejection.

Well. My post was in jest, though I have no friends. Well one I guess, until they move to another country…

I had friends up until about 15 years ago.  Mind you, I didn’t even know one was a best friend until I was told years later. I did however know I had a best friend through school. I have had some nice colleagues, but they are still just colleagues. And when they leave, it’s hard to maintain contact. And were they even friends if I only saw them at work?

As for people here, I don’t think anyone regards me as a friend, and I don’t really participate in private messaging so that’s understandable. I understand your point of view, but I personally see people here as ‘the same as me’, not as friends. I engage more to offer or ask for advice rather than ‘chat’. But that’s just what I do here. Others may use it for other things.

I define a friend I see in the flesh, as well as text and message or email. I have some lovely people I only correspond with via message. They know a lot about me, and me them, but we’ve never met, And aren’t likely too. I don’t know how to define them lol. Friendships are weird

One friend has been very interested and supportive (she may well be on the spectrum herself). Another has been an odd mix of obnoxiously suggesting I am only getting diagnosed to get more money from PIP (he has NO idea!!! I already get PIP for my physical disability and it is such a nightmare to claim, an autism diagnosis might help me keep enough points to not be downgraded at some point by their vile tricks, or it might help them be a bit less awkward with the process (hahahaha) but might not be any help at all) and asking genuine questions, although he did also make the remark we hate of everyone being a bit on the spectrum. I think if he is on any part of the spectrum it is the not having much empathy and asking rude questions part! (But he also doesn't mind a bit of an infodump, though he does also call me a knowitall sometimes) His wife is nicer about it though and we are friends with them both.

I think I know what is happening here. As Autistics we have the insight to fully understand autism without pre-conceived ideas. However,  non-autistics do not have this capability so tend to make decisions based on limited knowledge. They can therefore belive they understand Autism. They may not be deliberately unkind. They just suffer, what, I have seen called, ATDS or Autistic Trait Deficiency Syndrome. I have found that the way around this is to take them through the logic of my diagnosis ,explaining how I came to the conclusion that I am Autistic and saying it was a surprise to me and how doubtful I was until I had to accept it. Also, tell them why you are pleased that I now understand myself better and that I see it as a good thing.

I hope this makes sense.

I've shared things here that I haven't really shared with anyone. It definitely makes us close. I spend lot of time in this forum. It's really helping me. I agree with you to some extent. I still am a person who lived with rejection most of my life so it's really hard to imagine how people here would like me if we spent time together in real life.. I'd be scared of rejection. 

Catlover - same applies as per my response to Robert below, for you too.

I spent a couple of decades wondering why I didn't have any "real" friends, despite having all sorts of people "around" me that claimed or thought of themselves as my friends.  I am very good at masking and superficially fitting in.....but it was like play acting.....and then when I DID actually feel some form of real connection and open-up to people, they invariably seemed to react with WTAF and run for the hills.

In this place, I don't need to play act.  Yes, I'm a weird mix - and happily acknowledge that I write like a "Rees Mogg" type - often fear that I sound like I'm a long way up my own rear end - but I decided that I should be my "real" self here....rather than try and find "real friends."

Guess what - I think I have found a few "real friends" who are my type of people.  It is liberating and joyous....because I let it be that way.  The vast majority of regulars here I do genuinely consider my new friends.

Sure we don't "really" know each other and definitely don't all have the same opinions and outlooks, but you all know me better than the VAST, VAST majority of "real" people in the "real" world.

It is lonely being autistic - even though many of us enjoy (and/or need) to be alone a lot of the time.  Being able to understand this dichotomy has been VERY important to my general levels of contentment.  Finding my new friends here (like you) have made me happy.

Don't you feel how I do......to some extent at least?  Or am I just deluding myself?