What does ‘unmasking’ look like?

Hello Gilly Knitter, I have a recently diagnosed daughter who is 26 years old.  The people she meets invariably say that she is a confident, polite and sociable woman.  We have talked a lot about "masking", which she thinks she has been doing from about 8 years old. She is still working on "unmasking" and her journey began at home and with her 2 closest friends. Like you, she has fears about people liking the real her. I am not saying that this has been easy. One thing that has really helped is to talk about those fears. We have made it clear to her that any changes in her behaviour do not alter that fact that she is a creative, empathetic and very sensitive person who we love and admire. 

If it helps, the sort of changes I have noticed include: 

- She often answers requests with shorter responses

- She can latch on to a subject and not want to let it go

- She often asks me if "I am OK" - checking that she has not offended or that I am being honest

- She needs her alone time and will call out "I'm in my room" - meaning she needs alone time

- She expresses stronger opinions about a variety of things and can be quite emphatic 

- She also challenges us more - tells us when she is not happy with something

A lot of the above you could describe as her finding her simply expressing her assertive side. 

To the above I would also say:

- She generates some really interesting conversations

- She has an exciting way of expressing herself when on her subject

- She is so observant of our reactions and really helps us to be more honest

- She has a very fresh, different view of things which is very stimulating

- She is so generous in sharing her knowledge 

- She shows such a strong sense of principles - which makes me very proud and want to be a better person

- Her less frequent smiling (common masking behaviour) is now so sparkly and genuine, lighting up her whole face

Yes there have been moments of hurt and misunderstandings but when these happen we talk them through either at the time or later when things cool down. . 

When it comes to wider social interactions, a certain amount of masking can be wise (which can be exhausting). We have also agreed that she tells me when she has "had enough" and she might wait outside the supermarket or in the car, or we cut our trip short. 

The people who really care about you won't want you to carry on "walking on eggshells" and wearing yourself out. You are more than enough for them; and if too much for others, they are not worth the effort. 

I hope this has been helpful............just my experience as a Mum, Sue

Hello Gilly Knitter, I have a recently diagnosed daughter who is 26 years old.  The people she meets invariably say that she is a confident, polite and sociable woman.  We have talked a lot about "masking", which she thinks she has been doing from about 8 years old. She is still working on "unmasking" and her journey began at home and with her 2 closest friends. Like you, she has fears about people liking the real her. I am not saying that this has been easy. One thing that has really helped is to talk about those fears. We have made it clear to her that any changes in her behaviour do not alter that fact that she is a creative, empathetic and very sensitive person who we love and admire. 

If it helps, the sort of changes I have noticed include: 

- She often answers requests with shorter responses

- She can latch on to a subject and not want to let it go

- She often asks me if "I am OK" - checking that she has not offended or that I am being honest

- She needs her alone time and will call out "I'm in my room" - meaning she needs alone time

- She expresses stronger opinions about a variety of things and can be quite emphatic 

- She also challenges us more - tells us when she is not happy with something

A lot of the above you could describe as her finding her simply expressing her assertive side. 

To the above I would also say:

- She generates some really interesting conversations

- She has an exciting way of expressing herself when on her subject

- She is so observant of our reactions and really helps us to be more honest

- She has a very fresh, different view of things which is very stimulating

- She is so generous in sharing her knowledge 

- She shows such a strong sense of principles - which makes me very proud and want to be a better person

- Her less frequent smiling (common masking behaviour) is now so sparkly and genuine, lighting up her whole face

Yes there have been moments of hurt and misunderstandings but when these happen we talk them through either at the time or later when things cool down. . 

When it comes to wider social interactions, a certain amount of masking can be wise (which can be exhausting). We have also agreed that she tells me when she has "had enough" and she might wait outside the supermarket or in the car, or we cut our trip short. 

The people who really care about you won't want you to carry on "walking on eggshells" and wearing yourself out. You are more than enough for them; and if too much for others, they are not worth the effort. 

I hope this has been helpful............just my experience as a Mum, Sue

This is helpful to me, although I struggle to imagine people finding my conversation interesting.

I would like to offer stronger opinions, but against this, I am conflict-averse and would rather keep my own counsel than get into fights about politics or religion -- less draining.

Thank you so much for replying. I’m just hoping I’ll hear about the results of my assessment soon. I’m not quite sure of what to make of myself at the moment. 
I’m pleased your daughter heard whilst still in her 20’s. Still so much life ahead. Time to adapt. 
I’m not quite sure how I’m going to respond when I get my results. I think I may grieve what ‘could have been’ particularly regarding my teaching career. 
I don’t want to be negative though so I’m hoping to build on the me nowadays.