Tired

Thanks for replying everyone. I wear loop earplugs a lot and they do help. But I also begrudge having to wear them as much as I do. Sometimes I want to listen to youtube to learn something about my earphones mean I can still hear external noises, and then that’s all I can zone in on so end up getting annoyed because I can’t listen to what I wanted to. And the external noise is just a part of everything at the moment. It’s life being too much and demanding too much from me.

 I wish I could pause everything and go and sit in a hut in a middle of a field and not have to deal with everything. Without the worry that when I came back it had all built up and I had even more to deal with. 

Can you not go and sit in a hut in the middle of a field?

I don’t know where there are any huts in the middle of a field where I’d be left alone, that wasn’t owned by an angry farmer. 

I have wondered if it’s the menopause. And I do know I may have the odd super angry day that’s so angry it’s unreal. And I do get quite hot now and again. But that’s it. I think the main factor for me that points away from that is I’ve always had depressive episodes from around 16. It always tears its ugly head at some point. But I would always reach such a low point I’d mentally give myself a slap and tell myself to get a grip and to sort it out. And I’d have the motivation to try and work through until the next time. But that energy is gone, for the last year. I feel drained and like it’s just not worth trying anymore. Like I’ve given up and I’m sick and tired of the way the world is and even if I did pull myself back up I’ll just end up back down here again. I don’t have anything to look forward to. I don’t really go to the doctors either, and when I’ve tried I just can’t get an appointment anymore. 

Yes I think that’s what is happening and it started a year ago or more. That fight I’ve had on me that would try again and again, well it seems to have gone. Whether that’s because the older I get the more I learn it’s futile, or because the traits that I have from autism seem to be becoming stronger as I get older, or it’s the burn out from trying to be something I’m not, I don’t know.

I had something similar like your car. A while ago I bought a second hand car, at the time I didn’t realise it had to be recalled every year to get something changed, some fault. All of those cars had to go in every year. Well I ignored it, the letters telling me to go became redder and basically telling me if I didn’t go and get it done my car would overheat and I’d die. But I couldn’t go, the garage was no where near me. So I scrapped the car and bought something else. 

I hope you pass your mot though. At worst it’s something silly like a bulb :) 

I’m not sure if this is an issue for you or not - but I think the menopause is part of the reason why my difficulties with dealing with day to day life have increased. Or maybe it’s just that being older makes me feel more vulnerable. I don’t know. But I do relate very much to your comments.

No problem. It is incredibly difficult to keep track of the latest posts when a discussion is fast moving like this one.

You are not to blame and you are not a failure. Workplaces are not autism friendly environments and it is therefore not your fault that your career ambitions weren't realised. You were always going to be fighting against the current as an autist, even if you could have had the benefit of knowing earlier in life and having reasonable accommodations.

I'm in my early 50s too and feel like I'm still trying to become an adult. It's a vicious circle because the more burnt out we get the less able we are to cope with anything.  

Travelling around Scotland in a campervan is one of my dreams too  I know what you mean about the worry about breaking down and I'd be the same. My MOT is due later this month and I'm so worried about it that I'm seriously thinking of scrapping the car if it doesn't pass. However my logical brain says that would be silly and would make me even more isolated and cut off from the world

What is your business? (If I may ask, so bluntly...) 

Sorry, I didn’t see your comment below, I think it was highlighted when I was seeing a highlighted reply above, then the blue lines disappeared. I didn’t read it as being insensitive. Yesif ever I’m financially stable again I will look at noise cancelling earbuds. I also have issue though with wearing inner ear things as my ears get hot inside. But equally I can’t cope with over ear as I don’t like the feeling. 

The noise although is contributing isn’t the sole reason. It’s just life, it’s too much and relentless. I feel I’m partly to blame. Maybe if I wasn’t such a failure I could have made a good career and be in a financial situation where I could think about retiring early and be able to afford my own little field and hut. Or at least a small camper van and drive around the beautiful scenery in Scotland pulling up on a quiet track and staying there a few days before moving on. But even if I had the money that wouldn’t happen as I get lost, and don’t like going outside of my home town and the edge of the towns either side. And then I’d constantly worry about breaking down. 

Im 50 and still can’t cope with being an adult. And the older i get he harder it all feels. 

Im sure I’ll be okay again soon. Until next time. I’m now incredibly conscious of being miserable and people not liking being around that. It’s draining for people to be around misery I know. 

I think I must have posted my comment around the same time as this one and therefore didn't see your comment about having no spare money. I wasn't meaning to be insensitive 

If you wanted remote, I found a few websites which I can't remember what they were called  where people advertise for volunteers like on farms or to help with eco projects etc. You get bed and board for helping out. Yes it'd still be "with people" but I feel the sorts of people who do these projects are a bit more understanding of needs and difference...and you'd still get time to yourself.

I think a lot of the time people on here like to offer solutions but it sounds like you feel a bit stuck. I know the feeling. 

If you wanted remote, I found a few websites which I can't remember what they were called  where people advertise for volunteers like on farms or to help with eco projects etc. You get bed and board for helping out. Yes it'd still be "with people" but I feel the sorts of people who do these projects are a bit more understanding of needs and difference...and you'd still get time to yourself.

I think a lot of the time people on here like to offer solutions but it sounds like you feel a bit stuck. I know the feeling.