Published on 12, July, 2020
Does anyone else really fear confrontational situations? Like when you know you have to confront someone and tell them you are not happy about something and you know it will lead to an arguement. Especially at work but anywhere really
I am always so scared of confrontation. Also when I am in that situation I get tounge tied and lost for words, like everything I want to say goes out of my head and I end up making a mess of what Im saying
Does anyone else relate to this or have any tips of what to do and how to handle these situations? I have to have a confrontation with my consultant at my agency on Monday as I have found out they have been underpaying me for my job and lying to me about how much I should be paid. Its even harder cos he always acts so nice even though I know hes screwing me over. If people act nice, even if they aren't it makes me find confrontation even harder
BillyC87
I understand what you mean about not liking confrontation but I always feel there is a tactful and good way to approach such situations and to prepare yourself for outcomes that may be scary for you.
I've learnt that it's best to be upfront about how you feel even if it upsets another person or means a job is lost or a relationship ends because to me transparency is important.
An example would be Christmas gifts. If I am bought a gift that I will not use or do not like, I tend to be honest about it in a kind way. This means that hopefully the person will not continue to waste their money or if they do then I know I have been forthright in letting them know how I feel about the gift.
How I would approach the agency:
I'd have your payment calculations and pay slips to hand to show the consultant face to face as it'd be harder to describe over the telephone or email. I'd hand them over to your consultant and say "Do you notice a discrepancy there?"
You may find that they are unaware and apologetic about the miscalculations. They may have an explanation for them too. It could be a genuine mistake by someone in the company that the consultant is not aware of.
There may be a negative result too but it needs to be resolved because you are feeling upset about it.
Best of luck Billy.
This is what I thought too. Even if I knew they were having me on and id maybe approach it with "I don't know if you've noticed...." or something like that. It'd help me take the heat out of it in the first instance. These situations are incredibly difficult and I think you can only prepare so far because you don't know what they will do or say. Then after that id becime most agreeable or stumbke over my words. I often have difficulty fighting my corner and just accept what's said to me. Then afterwards it's like Homer Simpson. ...d'oh! Billy, are you in a union? I'd recommend joining one because you feel more protected and have your back covered then.
It's learning to be assertive which doesn't mean agressive. It means getting the result you want but this can be done politely. I think sometimes people have to be displeased with you and we need to accept that but it's hard feeling that. I've heard a good phrase which is something like a moment's discomfort or a lifetime of pain. My partner had a good one last week - will it matter in 5 minutes, 5 days or 5 years? With confrontation maybe not. This all seems theoretical. In reality, I think it's the physical fight flight or freeze in the moment that I have difficulty with. I think when you're already quite anxious, it's like adding another load to the overflowing bucket.
out_of_step,
Yes it is such a moral dilemma. Fear of upsetting another and fear of being continually in a state of angst oneself.