Help

Hi Gemma, trust me, I’m 55 years of age and I’m still dealing with this, or was (until now), and so far, in my experience, no matter what I say or do my family won’t accept I’m autistic and it hurts like hell but I’ve realised, I’m essentially hurting myself by hanging on to this. Because it does hurt when I want them to see me and they won’t, in fact, for me, it’s the worst pain ever, because it’s like they refuse to see who I am; it feels like rejection and now actual abandonment, which feels like my world is crashing in on me and I don’t understand what’s happening and if my own family can’t accept me and don’t want to spend any time with me on Christmas Day, including my son, while they have a nice big family Christmas Day together, who will? So the feeling is like my world is ending and there’s nothing I can do about it.

However, after all these years of me trying to get them to see me, I have finally accepted that I can’t. It has only happened because I’ve literally been excluded from all their Christmas preparations. I have had no invite from them, and I only found this out a few days ago after stressing about it since at least September. I thought they must be inviting me, surely, maybe they just forgot to tell me? They know I’m in a burn out, that I haven’t worked for 5 years and have no friends, so they know I’ll be alone. But after much heartache, and tons of crying, and reading comments on forums like this, I have finally realised, that the only way we can have any kind of relationship with the people who can’t, won’t or don’t accept our autism, is if we accept that any relationship  we have with them,  will be superficial, according to how we experience the world, but once we get over the hurt we naturally feel about it, we can, (if we plan well and learn to have boundaries etc), still maintain some kind of relationship with them, if we try hard. If we do this before it’s too late, that is.

If we don’t accept it, but stay in contact, we keep trying and trying and hurting ourselves over and over again, until it gets to a place where the relationship ends forever because we can’t keep up with the hurt feelings and the trying etc.

But if we work at accepting it instead, and focus on other ways that make our life meaningful, fulfilling and loving instead, we have a chance of maintaining contact with them and possibly developing some kind of relationship that’s at least satisfying.

I think it might be too late for me, which is very sad, so my advice would definitely be to work on accepting yourself, while accepting that some people will never get us or even try to understand us, which is the saddest part, but we must accept that sometimes this is what it’s  like and there’s nothing anybody can do to change it.

So as sad as it is, and as hard as it is to accept them not accepting us, I do think it’s better to work on accepting it if you can, while keeping yourself safe and healthy, and not getting into situations that cause us to have loads of meltdowns etc, even if they’re in private, when nobody sees, because too many meltdowns aren’t good for us.

My idea is, that we have to look after ourselves and do what we can to at least maintain contact and some form of relationship with them, because being autistic is even lonelier when you don’t have any family at all.

It’s hard, but it gets easier, and I promise you, when you get to the place where you can accept it, with no loss of love towards them or from them, it’s like freedom. And the relationship may never be what we want it to be, but it’s definitely better than nothing, and actually far more than what we think it is, as far as we can see when we’re stuck in the hurt feelings, which are valid, but we have to learn to accept and express our hurt feelings then move on. But it takes time. And a lot of patience and tears, and it won’t go smoothly, but you can, in time, enjoy a relationship with your mum, that’s every bit as rewarding as you think it isn’t right now. Nurse your feelings, they’re valid, but don’t let them cloud your vision, which is easier said than done, but it can be done. It’s seems unfair to us autistics, (because of the way we see and experience the world), to think that we’re the ones that have to make all the effort, but I’ve found, that once we start accepting and understanding ourselves more and more, we can start being that way towards others as well, and we can then start to take steps to build healthy relationships, even if they don’t meet our autistic standards, which are extremely high, compared to most people when it comes to how we love people, and how we respect truth and loyalty etc.

Good luck. Don’t expect too much of yourself, or others ~ we’re all on the same journey to peace, love and harmony, and it’l be a smoother  ride if we can all learn to respond, that little bit more, each time, with a little more love, peace and harmony than we did before we knew better and nobody knows it all, so we’re all learning.

Autism is complicated, not least of all for us, but together we have the chance for nt’s to learn from us and visa versa, which means we have to know who we are and be sure about that, so we don’t keep falling to other people’s lack of awareness of our needs etc. You can do it, it just takes time. Be gentle on yourself, and others, learn to spot abuse, and don’t tolerate it but do try to help make things easier when and where you can. If we don’t respect our own needs etc, we easily fall prey to being victims of abuse by ignorance, which is a never ending wheel of hell. So look after yourself, but with the notion that having a relationship with our mum’s at least, if no one else in the family, is equally important to our mental health and well-being, as good self care, because we really do only get one mum and we do miss them when they’re gone. They’re doing their best, and they can’t see how much that hurts us sometimes, but visa versa, we can’t see how much we hurt them, because even though we’re surrounded by them, we’re not them and they’re not us, but with a little patience, love and understanding, we can learn to have mutually loving relationships with them. It’s possible, and it happens, albeit it is possibly more rare than common, but with more and more understanding available, it’s possible for relationships to improve over time, until eventually they see everything like us - joke ;)

Wishing you a lovely Christmas and a more harmonious and prosperous new year, with a more loving relationship with your mum. X

Hi Gemma, trust me, I’m 55 years of age and I’m still dealing with this, or was (until now), and so far, in my experience, no matter what I say or do my family won’t accept I’m autistic and it hurts like hell but I’ve realised, I’m essentially hurting myself by hanging on to this. Because it does hurt when I want them to see me and they won’t, in fact, for me, it’s the worst pain ever, because it’s like they refuse to see who I am; it feels like rejection and now actual abandonment, which feels like my world is crashing in on me and I don’t understand what’s happening and if my own family can’t accept me and don’t want to spend any time with me on Christmas Day, including my son, while they have a nice big family Christmas Day together, who will? So the feeling is like my world is ending and there’s nothing I can do about it.

However, after all these years of me trying to get them to see me, I have finally accepted that I can’t. It has only happened because I’ve literally been excluded from all their Christmas preparations. I have had no invite from them, and I only found this out a few days ago after stressing about it since at least September. I thought they must be inviting me, surely, maybe they just forgot to tell me? They know I’m in a burn out, that I haven’t worked for 5 years and have no friends, so they know I’ll be alone. But after much heartache, and tons of crying, and reading comments on forums like this, I have finally realised, that the only way we can have any kind of relationship with the people who can’t, won’t or don’t accept our autism, is if we accept that any relationship  we have with them,  will be superficial, according to how we experience the world, but once we get over the hurt we naturally feel about it, we can, (if we plan well and learn to have boundaries etc), still maintain some kind of relationship with them, if we try hard. If we do this before it’s too late, that is.

If we don’t accept it, but stay in contact, we keep trying and trying and hurting ourselves over and over again, until it gets to a place where the relationship ends forever because we can’t keep up with the hurt feelings and the trying etc.

But if we work at accepting it instead, and focus on other ways that make our life meaningful, fulfilling and loving instead, we have a chance of maintaining contact with them and possibly developing some kind of relationship that’s at least satisfying.

I think it might be too late for me, which is very sad, so my advice would definitely be to work on accepting yourself, while accepting that some people will never get us or even try to understand us, which is the saddest part, but we must accept that sometimes this is what it’s  like and there’s nothing anybody can do to change it.

So as sad as it is, and as hard as it is to accept them not accepting us, I do think it’s better to work on accepting it if you can, while keeping yourself safe and healthy, and not getting into situations that cause us to have loads of meltdowns etc, even if they’re in private, when nobody sees, because too many meltdowns aren’t good for us.

My idea is, that we have to look after ourselves and do what we can to at least maintain contact and some form of relationship with them, because being autistic is even lonelier when you don’t have any family at all.

It’s hard, but it gets easier, and I promise you, when you get to the place where you can accept it, with no loss of love towards them or from them, it’s like freedom. And the relationship may never be what we want it to be, but it’s definitely better than nothing, and actually far more than what we think it is, as far as we can see when we’re stuck in the hurt feelings, which are valid, but we have to learn to accept and express our hurt feelings then move on. But it takes time. And a lot of patience and tears, and it won’t go smoothly, but you can, in time, enjoy a relationship with your mum, that’s every bit as rewarding as you think it isn’t right now. Nurse your feelings, they’re valid, but don’t let them cloud your vision, which is easier said than done, but it can be done. It’s seems unfair to us autistics, (because of the way we see and experience the world), to think that we’re the ones that have to make all the effort, but I’ve found, that once we start accepting and understanding ourselves more and more, we can start being that way towards others as well, and we can then start to take steps to build healthy relationships, even if they don’t meet our autistic standards, which are extremely high, compared to most people when it comes to how we love people, and how we respect truth and loyalty etc.

Good luck. Don’t expect too much of yourself, or others ~ we’re all on the same journey to peace, love and harmony, and it’l be a smoother  ride if we can all learn to respond, that little bit more, each time, with a little more love, peace and harmony than we did before we knew better and nobody knows it all, so we’re all learning.

Autism is complicated, not least of all for us, but together we have the chance for nt’s to learn from us and visa versa, which means we have to know who we are and be sure about that, so we don’t keep falling to other people’s lack of awareness of our needs etc. You can do it, it just takes time. Be gentle on yourself, and others, learn to spot abuse, and don’t tolerate it but do try to help make things easier when and where you can. If we don’t respect our own needs etc, we easily fall prey to being victims of abuse by ignorance, which is a never ending wheel of hell. So look after yourself, but with the notion that having a relationship with our mum’s at least, if no one else in the family, is equally important to our mental health and well-being, as good self care, because we really do only get one mum and we do miss them when they’re gone. They’re doing their best, and they can’t see how much that hurts us sometimes, but visa versa, we can’t see how much we hurt them, because even though we’re surrounded by them, we’re not them and they’re not us, but with a little patience, love and understanding, we can learn to have mutually loving relationships with them. It’s possible, and it happens, albeit it is possibly more rare than common, but with more and more understanding available, it’s possible for relationships to improve over time, until eventually they see everything like us - joke ;)

Wishing you a lovely Christmas and a more harmonious and prosperous new year, with a more loving relationship with your mum. X