Published on 12, July, 2020
Hello,
I wonder if anyone can help or experiences a similar thing. I want to try and find a way to manage my internal anger response to a particular situation as the feeling of it in my body is so utterly horrible and I am very sure that it is extremely unhealthy and has a negative impact on me physically as well as emotionally.
The thing that triggers this response in me more than anything is traffic, specifically traffic that I perceive to be driving too fast, dangerously and inconsiderately when I am in a vulnerable situation. I live in a village which has a long straight road going through it, and the only way to go anywhere and to get away from this road is to first have to navigate this road. The speed limit within the village is supposed to be 30 mph but because it is a long straight and fairly wide road, many people ignore this. In my opinion 30 mph is anyway too fast when in close proximity to pedestrians. Outside of the village there is a national speed limit and people go as fast as they can, which is often not appropriate or safe for the road conditions. Many of the drivers do not slow down, move over, dip their headlights, make any reasonable adjustments or take any of the precautions that you would expect them to when they see a pedestrian.
When I am on this road, or on the pavement in the village, and a car drives towards me and past me, too close, without suitable acknowledgment and at excessive speed, it makes me feel extremely unsafe and the anger response it triggers in me is unbearable. Nothing else makes me feel so angry. I want to shout and scream and hurl objects at the car, it is literally pure fury that courses through me. I do not shout and scream and wave my arms and hurl objects at the cars, I can restrain myself, but the feeling in my body is horrible. It is unbearable. I can feel my heart pounding, the blood coursing through my veins and the pressure mounting inside. It gives me an instant headache and I feel as though my head is going to explode. This feeling does not go away after the car has passed, it continues to build for some time afterward and then can take half and hour or even more to subside. Then it leaves me feeling unpleasant for the rest of the day.
I am beginning to feel that the damage occurring to my body due to my anger response negates the benefits of trying to go for a walk. Just to get out of the house I will already have gone through an extreme amount of anxiety, then the anger added on top of this, when encountering such cars, is just too much. So then I will just turn around and go home before the walk has even begun or avoid leaving the house at all. This is not an acceptable solution. There is a possibility to drive somewhere nearby, within 10 or 15 minutes, that is somewhere where I could walk free of cars, but I have a huge amount of anxiety regarding driving (because of all the dangerous drivers and narrow twisty roads in my area). Also, using petrol is expensive and not environmentally friendly so I would feel guilty,
So, I have been trying to do the only thing that I think is possible: I cannot control the way other people drive, I can only try to control my response to it. I have tried praying when cars go past! I have tried thinking nice kind thoughts about the drivers as they pass, wishing them well in their life! I have tried trying to understand them from their perspective and trying to understand their lack of awareness. I have tried breathing deeply and telling myself that it is okay.... But none of these things have worked and, conversely, I just seem to be getting angrier and angrier every time it happens.
To anyone who reads this, even if you cannot relate to the traffic situation, are there other circumstances in which something triggers anger in you like this? Can you relate to the horrible sensation in your body that takes so long to recover from? And, most importantly, have you found any helpful ways to manage this so as not to put yourself under so much stress and therefore make the situation tolerable? Short of moving, which is not a real option, or never leaving the house, I do not know what to do.
Yes, my neighbours security lights provoke a similar reaction in myself. Theres two strands to this. The actual lights make me anxious but the situation makes me feel incredibly angry. I too have tried changing my thought process seeing ftom their perspective etc. It's hard. I want to shout at the top of my voice for them to frig off. I don't want to be subjected to this intermittently when I go out. Or coming through the curtains. I find the lights really offensive. I just kind of have to say to myself "here we go again" but it doesn't really help.
Sorry I have no answers.
It is funny that you should say that, as security lights are one of the few other things which provoke a strong feeling of anger in me. I am generally an extremely gentle person and genuinely get distressed if I as much as accidentally hurt a fly, or damage a plant... but security lights, well I am filled with a burning desire to DESTROY them. I actually think sometimes about how satisfying it would be to drive around with a gun and shoot them, just to stop them from turning on, especially the ones that are on all the time! I hasten to add here, that I do not own a gun, that I never will and that I think that guns should not exist anywhere, for any reason! But security lights, I am completely with you on how offensive they are! They are so often positioned in an ignorant and thoughtless manner and so often down right unnecessary. Where they are deemed to be necessary, they should be positioned in such a way that they only illuminate the intended area, are shielded to be focused downwards rather than outwards.... and they do not need to be so ridiculously, harmfully, piercingly bright. I miss the soft orange glow that lighting used to have.
I miss the orange ones too! I wonder if it's the same with you and the road as me with the lights. Part of it is that I feel it "shouldn't be this way" ie a strong sense of what's right and wrong to us. A lot of the time when I'm out, I'm expecting it and this makes the frustration worse (it's here AGAIN! Why do people have to be so inconsiderate altho they are probably not even aware...) I'm going to try and focus on the good things like seeing the nature in the garden. But I think even on doing this, I'm trying to steer myself away from the feeling. I've tried accepting it but it's difficult. My partner asked why I couldn't just tolerate it and I said that was very difficult to do.
It provokes the same feeling I get when I hear people eating or drinking loudly.
out_of_step said:Take matters into your own hands....
I quite like the idea of painting a mural on the road that gives the optical illusion of speed bumps... or a barrier... or a huge sink hole! We have an ex- highways officer living in the centre of the village though so I do not think he would be impressed!
out_of_step said:I think we care very deeply and expect others to be the same but they are not.
Yes, this is something that I have got stuck on all my life. I find it difficult to accept that all others do not care very deeply about everything all the time. I think I have unreasonable expectations of how others should think and behave and so I am constantly distressed by the reality of how people are. At the same time I recognise that I fall short on A LOT of things that others perhaps do automatically and I have to remind myself all the time that people are not necessarily wrong for not caring about the same things that I do. It is lonely though.
out_of_step said:I'm not perfect myself and others may see me as thoughtless in other ways.
Yes, it is always helpful to remember this and put things back into perspective.
I'm trying to be kinder to myself. I'm learning there's no right or wrong way. I have a strong sense of whats right (to me) and so this also gives a contrast of what is wrong. But this is hard to navigate. It's not my way of thinking is better it's just what I see is right.
I find people on an individual level fascinating but on the whole, irritating. Many people ARE thoughtless. I think that's a fact. But I don't like saying this because I'm not perfect myself and others may see me as thoughtless in other ways. (I might drive fast through a quiet village for instance....Not on purpose but I'm just in my own world).
I think we care very deeply and expect others to be the same but they are not. I think the more we think about something or try not to think about it, the worse it gets. Maybe acceptance is key. I think in your situation, safety is one of the factors though.
Take matters into your own hands.... www.dorset.live/.../villagers-sick-waiting-speed-camera-6392167
Yes, the "it shouldn't be this way" feeling is a very strong feeling and difficult to ignore. As is the thought (which I am ashamed of) that people are stupid and thoughtless i.e putting up security lights that shine through other people's windows. I sometimes joke that I would like the phrases "What's WRONG with people?" and "I don't understand!" written on my grave.
I too try and focus on the good things, which to me is mainly nature - and I feel lucky that I can perceive it in such an exquisite and beautiful way... BUT the sense that "other people" always somehow spoil my enjoyment of it is always in the background. It is very hard to accept things that we feel so strongly shouldn't be that way, (especially when there is no need for them to be that way) and it is hard to tolerate things that our painful to our senses.
People eating or drinking loudly is distressing to me too! I have never been able to contain myself in that situation and have always felt myself to be a horrible and intolerant person or explain to anyone the feeling it provokes in me.