Published on 12, July, 2020
I've been meaning to start a thread on this for ages, but in a way it's such a big hang-up that I kept delaying it. Bur firemonkey's thread about fitting in has prompted me to have a go at putting some words together on the subject. Because this particular thing often makes me feel disproportionately alone/singular on a forum despite statistics I've seen elsewhere indicating that I shouldn't be.
The statistic in question: That 44% of 'high-functioning' autistic people are in relationships, and 56% are not.
When I read that about four months ago, it took a lot of the sense of societal pressure I'd been feeling momentarily off me, as I realised that I'm (within autistic circles) not only less of a minority than I'd be in society generally (where about 16% are in the mid-to long-term single camp at any one time, and about 5% have no real relationship history to speak of), but even part of a majority - the people who (at any given moment at any rate) are autistic and single. Presumably meaning that there's a core constituency of the long-term single somewhat larger than that NT-normative 5%-16% spectrum that I just mentioned.
So, when I came on here, I expected to see - comfortingly - others like me. Been on their own most of their life, live alone, and so on.
But nearly everybody on here who initially talks about not connecting well with people, struggling in society, needing a lot of solitude etc. will at some point casually reference a partner, spouse, children. The disconnect always feels strange to me. How did so many socially challenged people end up doing exactly what NTs do so perplexingly easily, and just fall into these highly prescribed, ultra-orthodox relationships and domestic - often marital - situations and why aren't they constantly reacting in puzzlement as to the contradictory nature of their situation?
I'm aware that that could almost sound like I'm trying to be derogatory about some (overall - life is complicated) lovely - hopefully!- situations for people that in fact I wish them only well with. But, like firemonkey felt about the employment stats/forum as 'proxy' situation (see the 'Not at all sure...' thread), I have an equivalent thing with the above that makes me feel very odd man out, when in theory that 54% weighting towards the contrary should be more detectably present here.
Am I wrong about that? One factor I should bear in mind is that coupled-up people (sometimes including 'living apart together's and so on) usually broadcast in real life a continuous hard signal (explicit information about that - wedding ring, who they're walking about with etc.) whereas the unmarried but in a relationship people and the truly single people are - when on solo trips out and about - blended together in complete and equal ambiguity - either status is completely undetectable at face value unless accompanied by children or somesuch. So you have to rely on probability theory to feel not anomalous when out and about. Eg. in a supermarket with 100 adults in it, 16 of them are in theory invisibly single, as I am (hope that makes sense!). Similarly, online - and very naturally - in referring to their life, a significant other, or children (the two not necessarily going together of course), or perhaps (as - I was sorry to hear - in fremonkey's case) being a widow - a coupled-up person soon confirms themselves as such. But that seems to be nearly everyone on here, and I can't make the evidence square adequately with the statistic in a way that doesn't leave me feeling like a strange outlier that even many on here would look at as a bit weird for not fitting into the norm more in at least (as if it was so easy!) that respect. It feels kind of lonely, and that a cosmic joke constantly has the objective truth of things hidden in my blind-spot, no matter what mental gymnastics or research I put myself through.
If there's anyone else on here who is single and comfortable saying so (I'm not trying to smoke you out for some nefarious agenda - that's absolutely not what this is about!) I'd appreciate that, as right now I feel like an alien even among aliens. And feeling so just a tiny bit less would be nice(r).
I don't know if this has been mentioned elsewhere on this thread, but one thing to bear in mind is that this forum won't be indicative of the autistic population as a whole.
So, when making comparisons, you are only comparing yourself with the few people who post regularly here.
I've held back commenting here because I don't want to be one of those people (which I've probably already been) upsetting others.
Also, whilst I'm here, 2 things:
1. How are you doing Shardovan ?
2. You have perpetually put into my mind Police's Message in a Bottle (in case anyone didn't get the lyric reference in the title).
Hibernating said:I don't know if this has been mentioned elsewhere on this thread, but one thing to bear in mind is that this forum won't be indicative of the autistic population as a whole.
It’s certainly true that non verbal and less social people will be less likely to post here.
Hibernating said:So, when making comparisons, you are only comparing yourself with the few people who post regularly here.
Not really. Almost every day another person joins, many never making it past the NASxxx stage to a full user name, but their first post will talk about their partner and kids. In fact one just posted just a few minutes ago as I write this.
Hibernating said:I've held back commenting here because I don't want to be one of those people (which I've probably already been) upsetting others.
Nobody should feel they can’t post about their own situation here, and your commentary about your own life history has been helpful, reassuring even.
I just have a “eh?” moment every time I read a post from someone about how lonely and friendless they are and even their partner and friends don’t understand them. I feel like a starving man listening to people at a banquet complaining about the quality of the food.
I understand exactly how you feel Amerantin. I can even understand the basic pertinence of the banquet analogy. Though of course nobody means for it to come over that way, and someone partnered but who longs for one really good platonic friend where none exists may feel understandably defensive about their own positioning relative to that metaphor. I think it is most truly helpful to fall back on the statistical here - the more consolidated or otherwise that supposed 56% becomes via those willing to post, the more accuracy you can have about being sure that you are not alone in being alone. The last time I gave this thread a bump, that's pretty much where we ended up - with that exact figure at one point reached. I hope there's comfort for everyone in that... knowing that the supposed ratio checks out. More or less...
I think what can make it feel otherwise is that contrast of hard and soft signals I talked about before: mention of a partner, a child is a 'hard signal', whereas ambiguous non-mention could mean any of a few scenarios, so the single people give of a 'soft signal' - arguably even a cloak of invisibility unless asked directly in a safe space like this thread.