Published on 12, July, 2020
I've been meaning to start a thread on this for ages, but in a way it's such a big hang-up that I kept delaying it. Bur firemonkey's thread about fitting in has prompted me to have a go at putting some words together on the subject. Because this particular thing often makes me feel disproportionately alone/singular on a forum despite statistics I've seen elsewhere indicating that I shouldn't be.
The statistic in question: That 44% of 'high-functioning' autistic people are in relationships, and 56% are not.
When I read that about four months ago, it took a lot of the sense of societal pressure I'd been feeling momentarily off me, as I realised that I'm (within autistic circles) not only less of a minority than I'd be in society generally (where about 16% are in the mid-to long-term single camp at any one time, and about 5% have no real relationship history to speak of), but even part of a majority - the people who (at any given moment at any rate) are autistic and single. Presumably meaning that there's a core constituency of the long-term single somewhat larger than that NT-normative 5%-16% spectrum that I just mentioned.
So, when I came on here, I expected to see - comfortingly - others like me. Been on their own most of their life, live alone, and so on.
But nearly everybody on here who initially talks about not connecting well with people, struggling in society, needing a lot of solitude etc. will at some point casually reference a partner, spouse, children. The disconnect always feels strange to me. How did so many socially challenged people end up doing exactly what NTs do so perplexingly easily, and just fall into these highly prescribed, ultra-orthodox relationships and domestic - often marital - situations and why aren't they constantly reacting in puzzlement as to the contradictory nature of their situation?
I'm aware that that could almost sound like I'm trying to be derogatory about some (overall - life is complicated) lovely - hopefully!- situations for people that in fact I wish them only well with. But, like firemonkey felt about the employment stats/forum as 'proxy' situation (see the 'Not at all sure...' thread), I have an equivalent thing with the above that makes me feel very odd man out, when in theory that 54% weighting towards the contrary should be more detectably present here.
Am I wrong about that? One factor I should bear in mind is that coupled-up people (sometimes including 'living apart together's and so on) usually broadcast in real life a continuous hard signal (explicit information about that - wedding ring, who they're walking about with etc.) whereas the unmarried but in a relationship people and the truly single people are - when on solo trips out and about - blended together in complete and equal ambiguity - either status is completely undetectable at face value unless accompanied by children or somesuch. So you have to rely on probability theory to feel not anomalous when out and about. Eg. in a supermarket with 100 adults in it, 16 of them are in theory invisibly single, as I am (hope that makes sense!). Similarly, online - and very naturally - in referring to their life, a significant other, or children (the two not necessarily going together of course), or perhaps (as - I was sorry to hear - in fremonkey's case) being a widow - a coupled-up person soon confirms themselves as such. But that seems to be nearly everyone on here, and I can't make the evidence square adequately with the statistic in a way that doesn't leave me feeling like a strange outlier that even many on here would look at as a bit weird for not fitting into the norm more in at least (as if it was so easy!) that respect. It feels kind of lonely, and that a cosmic joke constantly has the objective truth of things hidden in my blind-spot, no matter what mental gymnastics or research I put myself through.
If there's anyone else on here who is single and comfortable saying so (I'm not trying to smoke you out for some nefarious agenda - that's absolutely not what this is about!) I'd appreciate that, as right now I feel like an alien even among aliens. And feeling so just a tiny bit less would be nice(r).
Shardovan said:If there's anyone else on here who is single and comfortable saying so (I'm not trying to smoke you out for some nefarious agenda - that's absolutely not what this is about!)
I wonder what age you are ..
Also, are you unhappy being alone? Would you rather be in a relationship?
I've had probably quite an unusual relationship history, which included spending a large portion of my life out of relationships/celibate. At that time, I was 'single and comfortable', to quote you.
However, I met my now husband in my mid 40s and got married in my 50s.
No children.
You really don't know what is around the corner in life I think... and a lot of positive things can happen late in life, as they have for me.
Thanks for your reply Debbie. I'll be 45 very soon. Your history sounds very similar to my own. I'm probably designed for being alone and don't feel any compulsion to change that for its own sake. I'd rather be alone than in some methodone attempt to recreate a miracle (I was briefly in a wonderful situation with someone irreplacable, who I wish every day I could still at least be friends with again), so this really is just about making sure that there are fellow travellers out there - that I am not some bizarre aberation.
You are definitely not a 'bizarre aberration' either within or without the autistic circle.
Within the very long (I'd have to work it out, but it might be 20+ years) of being single, I met a chap who I was with for a couple of years. However, it didn't work and he had a late autism diagnosis, as I did.
I think he has now accepted his 'single' status.
We are still friends.
He has had very few relationships, I think around 3, the most successful being with someone who lives abroad, so the distance probably helped.
My sister has been single most of her life.
It's interesting what you say about heartbreak (sorry to hear that you are).
I hadn't realised that emotional pain could be felt more deeply by those of us 'on the spectrum'.
That explains some of my agonies.
There are, by the way, a lot of advantages in living alone.
I think that living with another person when 'on the spectrum' is fraught with potential problems.
I wish you all the very best life has to offer.
Hi Debbie. Thank you for you very kind words. That's a very touching story about how you and your now-husband met, thanks for sharing it. I think the intensity of emotional pain could be one of those 'too much or too little' things that seem to go hand in hand with ASD and that we got the former. Though the *too* bit of 'too much' still feels somehow feels like a blind-spot in society's collective reality. Maybe, instead, most NT people have their shielding up *too* high as a natural reflex, so they are insulated just enough from everything for things to hurt less, or never for too long (t least not ceaselessly). I'm not sure I envy that, hard as it often is to feel things as intensely as I do. Probably reason enough to be alone, I can't do expediently temporary sincerity about what 'love' means but I see how the majority, of necessity, kind of do.