Published on 12, July, 2020
I know people are going to say go to groups where like minded people are but i never seem to find people or find a fault that just ruins it for me.
same. I'll notice some inconsistency with a group and I'll point it out and usually end up kicked out.
Politics is definitely a dominant feature of general social interaction. Often autistic individuals do not respect social hierarchy structures. I know I don’t. With regard to social connection I find that…
I can only speak for myself, but I have been quietly subversive all my life. As a trades union activist, I have been on the picket line many times, been involved in special interest groups impacting union…
After about 20 years of trawling the internet for precisely this reason, I can say with a certain amount of confidence that, at least for me, commonality of interest is no assurance of similarity of thinking. I feel extremely disappointed frankly. We live in the communication age. We have access to the most efficient and sophisticated communication technologies and networks ever developed and I have, up to this point, utterly failed to employ any of it in order to establish any meaningful relationships or even one of any utility. I can only conclude that there are simply no like-minded people to myself. I find this thought disturbing but sadly unsurprising as it has been my experience most of my life. I recently resigned all of my social media accounts as they served no purpose but to distract me from more important things. Probably more information here than required but I thought it relevant to disclose.
The problem with most of us auties is we don't know where we fit so assumptions are made along NT lines and thought processes. That's doomed to fail.
I really think you need to dig deep into your childhood and remember what delighted you as a child. It's usually easier for blokes because there's easy access to cars, trains, Lego etc. so then it's just a case of finding the particular group that suits best. The focus of all conversations will be about a 'thing' or a defined subject so it's really easy to keep up and learn the rules - it lights all the specialist subject parts of you brain. Communication can be as simple as grunts of approval
It's much harder for women - unless they're into bloke-stuff. Most 'female interest' groups like history or book clubs will include a lot of communication skills - lots of masking and maybe some politics. It's much harder to break into. A lot of the typical female-interests are solo pursuits too - needlework, jewellery, toy making etc. so it's hard to make a friend group.
no two people are the same so look for what you have in common and not what is different between you and them. For example i have just joined a local environmentalist group we all clean part of the coast together and we talk/cooperate as we do this because we have a common goal. We have 50% women 50% men all with our wellies on ...... surfer dude is in his wet suit, of course, and even brings his surf board ! but we all get on to do the job. No one gives a monkeys i am autistic which is great !
We all get covered in delta mud,,,, rich, poor, men, women, young, old, all just human
I spent years trying to be interested in the normal girl stuff, soap operas, fashion, makeup. I wasted so many years trying to fit in and not looking weird. Never figured out that I was expending energy on being miserable.
I even gave up my costume work because I was too focused on the social aspect and getting worn out when I just needed to focus on the core skills which made me happy and would have helped me to build my career. There seems to always be an emphasis on women being social creatures. I still can't convince my lot at work not to give me a birthday card each year.
I've joined an online Costume History group which is great for me, as it's helping me tap into the type of thing I enjoy, but even there, there is a substantial amount of social etiquette that I have to be mindful of, even if it's predominantly online at the moment.
I just asked a question about corset patterns, I made it clear that I had the skills and knowledge, (Just being lazy and didn't want to draft a pattern) I still had people 'advising me' very basic things. The urge to point out that not only have they not actually answered the question, but have also insulted my knowledge on the subject is strong, but I know that will cause me issues within the group. It's all politics as much as it is about the shared interest.
'When you seek, you rarely find.' There's a lot of truth to this statement. Whatever it is we are searching for becomes more difficult to find. It comes to us, usually, when we are not looking for it. Friendship and love are like tiny fragile birds. They are beautiful to behold when we hold them gently in our hands. But if we grip too tightly to hold on to them, we will kill them. You are very lucky if you can find one person in real life with whom you have a genuine affiliation, and the chances of finding them on the internet are worse. It's also true that people find you more interesting when you follow a passion, but will find you less interesting when your passion is finding someone who likes you.
This formed part of my conclusions also
Politics is definitely a dominant feature of general social interaction. Often autistic individuals do not respect social hierarchy structures. I know I don’t. With regard to social connection I find that I am only really interested in trust, truth and enlightened self-interest. I have no use for casual interaction or personal aggrandisement. I recognise competence as the only trait that should determine position in any hierarchy and I find it almost impossible to conceal any of this. It is possible that I have become compromised by my resentment of conventional social behaviour. Because honestly? I believe politics may be the very science of evil. By it’s very nature it values popularity achieved through social conflict which I find utterly reprehensible. Obviously therefore I have genuinely no desire to refine the skill and actively avoid engagement. Even at it’s most well-meaning, what you don’t compromise of your integrity in the conflict is ultimately lost in victory.
keep looking but change where you look