Published on 12, July, 2020
First off, I'm not new to the forum but, given the topic, I didn't want it linked to a username that could possibly come up on a search by people I know in the real world. For background I am in my 30's and fairly sure I'm autistic, I was told it was likely by a medical professional in the field and having researched I fit almost all of the criteria to a tee. However there is an aspect that worries me I keep coming up against, and that's about lying. I keep seeing that Autistic people are usually honest to a fault, and in certain aspects that is me too, if someone asks an opinion I will either outright tell them what I think or if I think I'm going to be really mean I just say I'd prefer not to talk about it, but when it comes to explaining myself, what I'm feeling, how I'm coping, I lie, and a lot. I have seen the odd mention here and there about certain situations where this happens to autistic children but im struggling to find much info on it to see if I fit those criteria so I was wondering if this is anyone on here resonates with or if anyone knows where I can get more info on it?If any of this sound familiar I would love the help, I'm waiting for my assessment when I intend to be entirely truthful about this but I'm getting stresses out because they want family members input and I don't know how they will go down, they're not wonderfully supportive at the best of times and I think if they're there I will struggle to be truthful.
Further Details - Its a bit long, sorry, but you can skip it with no issue if you already understand.
For those that want some more detail, basically what I'm talking about is for years I have been getting overwhelmed, anxious and upset in places where I'm told I should be having fun and I didn't know why and rather than tell people what was happening to me, because I didn't know, I would say I had a stomach upset or a headache or similar, however over the years as my reactions got worse and my ability to cope degraded I would have to make up a bigger lie and this escalated to the point where to cover for the fact I had basically quit my job been ghosting all my family and friends for months while I had a mental breakdown, shutdown, suicide attempt etc I said "I had cancer and I didn't want to tell them", it fit the pattern for them, they know id spent some time in hospital and then a lot of time healing and I certainly looked like id been dragged through hell and back, but ever since I've been wracked with guilt. And there's another couple of big lies for similar reasons, for example they think I have a diagnosed digestive issue that limits my diet to cover for me restrictive eating habits, this lie isn't actually that far from the truth because I do have digestive issues and cant absorb b12 or some other minerals, they're just not formally diagnosed because they couldnt figure out the cause, but I'm certainly not on a restrictive diet plan from the doctors, that's all my brain.As contradictory as it seems I long for one of them to call me on it so I can just tell them what really happened, and this habit of being brutally honest if im called on a lie is normal behaviour for me, the odd times its happened people have been taken a back by how I don't try to hold the lie I just tell them the whole story and that maily because the lie tends to be a stess reaction and I regret it later.So as far as where I think it may have come from I do have a theory. As a small child I spent much of my time with my grandparents who were difficult, my nan especially was verbally abusive and sometimes would find reasons to get my grandad to hit me and my sister for things she saw as bad behaviour, the bad behaviour was stuff like, struggling to spell, not understanding what she meant, not acting how she thought a child should act in front of her friends etc. I remember being very small and being terrified of my nan and having to find ways to cheat and lie about what I was doing and I suspect I masked quite early because of that too, and that continued for most of my pre-teen childhood. The first big lie I can remember telling to cover up was when I was 11 or 12 and I had a traumatic abuse situation happen (that I've still never admitted to anyone) and the only way I could get out of it and stop it happening without telling people was to outright lie and then I had to continue that lie to stay safe, very soon after I discovered my sexuality wasn't straight and due to homophobia in my family I lied about that too and so the cycle continues right up to the present day where I still have gender issues I cant talk about because of the backlash I'll receive. Anyway, sorry for that mind dump, I've moved it down here for those that want context.
Sure, how's that?
can you just change your NAS72962. its just very hard to remember you . NAS12345 names are also used by automated web spiders, advertisers and an odd troll so please move away from the NAS12345 pattern like
bill
liam
mildred
bert
Samdy Sam
bob the builder
I am saying more people will respond to u and u have quite a bit to say / contribute
how about Britney lol
just so u know i have sponteneous bouts of lying which then grew into delusions some then grew into complete personalities.
i have quit the whole lot over 2 years
And of course, the truth is only anyone's business if you want it to be. Your diagnosis, when you get it, is confidential medical information, which you alone have the right to disclose to those around you. The choice and the power over that is properly yours alone. You have options; tell them the truth, mask (it's a white lie of sorts many use), or just refuse to engage in discussions about what you eat or where you want to go, or lie. Only you will know which is better for your wellbeing.
What is clear in what you are saying is that you are in no way a liar of the type who does it for manipulation of others or personal gain. It may or may not sit right with you or be good for you, but in no way are you doing anything immoral.
It's not necessarily true that all autistic people are honest to a fault. I am with my close friends and family members, but I mask heavily with everyone else (I mostly avoid people but sometimes you have to interact with them).
I mostly lie out of fear, because I was abused as a child - it's a trauma response. I used to be a lot more blunt and direct when I was younger, but it caused a lot of offence, bullying, people going against me etc so now I analyse a situation and think "what would a neurotypical, more specifically, a neurotypical female say?" and mask accordingly. I always feel guilty when I lie and masking takes up a huge amount of energy so I mostly live as a hermit.
I've managed to get to a much better head place over the last 18 months by doing very much the same but unfortunately I do rely on my family so if I ruin my relationship with them I have no home or income etc. Friends wise I always have basically had one close friend and a couple of other I speak to periodically and that has done a lot to ease the pressure and make me feel better. I also did the same with facebook, I have to have it to manage some of my work stuff but I just threw some D&D groups and woodworking groups for something to look at if I want and then use messenger to talk to a couple of people. Not having the pressure from friends to socialise in large loud places full of people helped too the last year. I wish I could give up my phone but I need it for work unfortunately, its either that or I would have to be by a computer all the time but there's almost no stress from it now, I changed my number a year back and it basically only rings when its the doctors or one of the 8 people who I gave the new number to. I agree, I'm happy staying in my sedentary life for now if I can.
Thanks, yes, I must have written that note about 50 times now but without a reason for it and a way to describe the way my head works I was honestly afraid I'd either end up in a psych ward or homeless if they know ive been lying, however my hopes are pinned at the moment on getting diagnosed at the assessment, I'm fairly sure if I can get that and have some counselling to figure out the trauma stuff I can approach it from a position of knowledge and explain why it happened I have a better chance of a good outcome. Regarding the criteria, no, there seems to be nothing in there at all as far as I can see its just the odd bit of info around, for example on youtube Yo Samdy Sam talked about lies to cover over symptoms, I was reading an article on here, https://bit.ly/33x6L3J about childhood symptoms so I could ask mum about them and found this..."There is another category of AS children who also learn how to lie, and lie convincingly: children whose upbringing is physically and psychologically traumatic and full of unrelieved chaos. For them the telling of lies isn’t only good practice. In the past, it has helped them survive life-threatening situations. If they’ve become involved in the child welfare system for any length of time, they also learn to lie to protect themselves from their “protectors”.
I've seen little mentions about it 6 or 7 times now and I just cant find any more info.Thank you for your kind words
Thank you, its actually really cathartic to actually admit it here even if it doesn't do much. You're right I do feel super guilty and at the same time keep doing it, I've been doing better over the last year and trying to let more people in but I do have trust issues, at least partially because I'm so reliant on my family now and they're the ones that I was scared of in the first place. Thank you again for being kind and for the well wishes!
You're going to figure all this out. If you're taking an honest look at yourself & what you need to create for safety/support, there may be many realizations in the future. I keep my circle tight to pretty much just my mom & a few people....I got rid of my cell phone in Sept & haven't looked back. I have a faux fb to talk to mother in law & a penpal/few others. Society has said more social/more people/get out in public---these situations are not better for everyone.
I'm really sorry to hear all you've been through. If you really want to tell people who you trust the truth, maybe hand-write a heartfelt note containing some of the things you've put here. I don't think there's anything in the diagnostic criteria about honesty (I could be wrong). It sounds like you learnt to lie as a survival technique - I learnt to lie sometimes and to identify anger for that reason - but I still struggle with identifying other emotions. (I'm not diagnosed yet.)
It sounds to me like you feel guilty about your "lies", but if you look through them all, they are all about self preservation. You've had no choice in order to protect yourself. I think the very fact that you worry about that even though the deception was necessary, speaks to me of an innately honest person who is living in a world where it just hasn't been safe to be honest. Having to act counter to your basic nature has got to have been an awful strain for you.
You don't have to have your family involved in your assessment, if you don't want. Some people no longer have parents or siblings even and they still manage to assess the person. The assessors will understand if you say you aren't comfortable asking them.
Good luck with your assessment. I hope the right help for you will be riding on the back of the outcome.