Published on 12, July, 2020
First off, I'm not new to the forum but, given the topic, I didn't want it linked to a username that could possibly come up on a search by people I know in the real world. For background I am in my 30's and fairly sure I'm autistic, I was told it was likely by a medical professional in the field and having researched I fit almost all of the criteria to a tee. However there is an aspect that worries me I keep coming up against, and that's about lying. I keep seeing that Autistic people are usually honest to a fault, and in certain aspects that is me too, if someone asks an opinion I will either outright tell them what I think or if I think I'm going to be really mean I just say I'd prefer not to talk about it, but when it comes to explaining myself, what I'm feeling, how I'm coping, I lie, and a lot. I have seen the odd mention here and there about certain situations where this happens to autistic children but im struggling to find much info on it to see if I fit those criteria so I was wondering if this is anyone on here resonates with or if anyone knows where I can get more info on it?If any of this sound familiar I would love the help, I'm waiting for my assessment when I intend to be entirely truthful about this but I'm getting stresses out because they want family members input and I don't know how they will go down, they're not wonderfully supportive at the best of times and I think if they're there I will struggle to be truthful.
Further Details - Its a bit long, sorry, but you can skip it with no issue if you already understand.
For those that want some more detail, basically what I'm talking about is for years I have been getting overwhelmed, anxious and upset in places where I'm told I should be having fun and I didn't know why and rather than tell people what was happening to me, because I didn't know, I would say I had a stomach upset or a headache or similar, however over the years as my reactions got worse and my ability to cope degraded I would have to make up a bigger lie and this escalated to the point where to cover for the fact I had basically quit my job been ghosting all my family and friends for months while I had a mental breakdown, shutdown, suicide attempt etc I said "I had cancer and I didn't want to tell them", it fit the pattern for them, they know id spent some time in hospital and then a lot of time healing and I certainly looked like id been dragged through hell and back, but ever since I've been wracked with guilt. And there's another couple of big lies for similar reasons, for example they think I have a diagnosed digestive issue that limits my diet to cover for me restrictive eating habits, this lie isn't actually that far from the truth because I do have digestive issues and cant absorb b12 or some other minerals, they're just not formally diagnosed because they couldnt figure out the cause, but I'm certainly not on a restrictive diet plan from the doctors, that's all my brain.As contradictory as it seems I long for one of them to call me on it so I can just tell them what really happened, and this habit of being brutally honest if im called on a lie is normal behaviour for me, the odd times its happened people have been taken a back by how I don't try to hold the lie I just tell them the whole story and that maily because the lie tends to be a stess reaction and I regret it later.So as far as where I think it may have come from I do have a theory. As a small child I spent much of my time with my grandparents who were difficult, my nan especially was verbally abusive and sometimes would find reasons to get my grandad to hit me and my sister for things she saw as bad behaviour, the bad behaviour was stuff like, struggling to spell, not understanding what she meant, not acting how she thought a child should act in front of her friends etc. I remember being very small and being terrified of my nan and having to find ways to cheat and lie about what I was doing and I suspect I masked quite early because of that too, and that continued for most of my pre-teen childhood. The first big lie I can remember telling to cover up was when I was 11 or 12 and I had a traumatic abuse situation happen (that I've still never admitted to anyone) and the only way I could get out of it and stop it happening without telling people was to outright lie and then I had to continue that lie to stay safe, very soon after I discovered my sexuality wasn't straight and due to homophobia in my family I lied about that too and so the cycle continues right up to the present day where I still have gender issues I cant talk about because of the backlash I'll receive. Anyway, sorry for that mind dump, I've moved it down here for those that want context.
My experience is that autistic people lie about different things compared to NT's. Like you, I have a history of some awful lies that all began with the aim of protecting myself after my reaction to something that didn't 'fit' the moment. For example getting upset over 'normal' things and me then making up things to explain why I got upset, things that would be deemed a reasonable reason to be upset. For example, 'Why are you upset it's just a game?' If I've got overly stimulated through a game and can't cope and then got upset. I learnt it was 'weak' and 'wrong' to be upset about 'just' certain things so I ended up on the spot coming up with something like, 'my pet died and I'm just thinking about that,' anything to make it look like i was upset at anything but the thing they think would be weak of me to be upset about. Sometimes the lies were worse, 'my dads in hospital.' etc. I soon got stuck in the cycle of lying on the spot in moments I never thought I would. It just happened, slipped out my mouth. Never planned out lies, but just lies that once were said couldn't be undone and I'd be left thinking, 'wtf? Why did I just say that?!' for me I did grow out of it to the point that now I find it hard to lie. But I know the real reason I find it hard to lie is that I really struggled with guilt and hated the stress that came from lies. It wasn't easy for me to completely stop either as it was an instinctive survival mechanism for me to do it in many situations. Also from what I've got from your post, I have some origins that probably primed my brain to go for some very negative lies. The theory being that I'd learnt if I deemed upset about something 'appropriate and 'genuine' people wouldn't be so harsh on me, I learnt this I believe from being born with a heart condition. My heart condition was the first 'legitimate' 'appropriate reason I may be 'sad' or unable to cope with something. So I guess I learnt the more dramatic something was the more likely my upset reaction to things would be seen as 'okay' and not 'weak' and 'bad. sometimes I'm upset about everything around me and nothing, how was I supposed to explain that? I couldn't, and being upset over apparently, 'nothing' wasn't exactly as viewed as 'normal' or 'okay.' Out came the lies.
Hey Flint, Thanks for you reply this was exactly the sort of thing I was looking for feedback on. So yeah I tend to jump to a protective lie for stuff like you mention there, being overstimulated etc. They tend to come in relation to the event so in the example you gave about getting upset over a game, if id just snapped at someone I might just apologise and say id had a hard day or something, but if I had had a full angry meltdown I would almost certainly have said something much bigger like a pet dying or bad news from something similar. so when it came to me actually being really badly unwell mentally I came up with an equivalent physical illness to what I thought would give me an excuse to act the way I was feeling. Now I think of it whenever the lie was because of a mental illness I would always pick a physical one I thought might be equivalent.
'wtf? Why did I just say that?!
Well that rings really true for me. There were a few lies that were premeditated, the cancer lie to cover my attempt at unlife and depression I actually sat in a hospital and thought of the lie I would have to tell because I needed someone to come get me but to be honest those where still made in a panic state it wasn't like I was sitting there deciding how to deceive everyone and enjoying it or anything.
for me I did grow out of it to the point that now I find it hard to lie. But I know the real reason I find it hard to lie is that I really struggled with guilt and hated the stress that came from lies.
You could say ive grown out of it but I was in my 30's lol. I've wanted to stop the lies for a long time and struggled with it, in the last few years ive decreased it to the point its just inane stuff to get people off my back for wanting to eat a plate of beige etc, the big lies have stopped happening because my mental health is a lot better than it was. I have also found that the last few weeks since I told my fairly about ASD I don't think ive done it at all. Earlier today I just told mum I was anxious and overstimulated so needed some alone time, she just nodded and smiled and I went for that time, a few weeks back I would have said something like I hadn't slept well and needed a nap. I'm well past the point I can be doing with the guilt of the lies and the stress and I just want to come clean to them and set the record straight.
I learnt this I believe from being born with a heart condition.
So did I as it happened, though mine was fixed at 5. Its not relevant I just thought it was a funny coincidence, the main thing it left me with was a bed relationship with exercise as I wasn't allowed to exert myself until I was 5.
sometimes I'm upset about everything around me and nothing, how was I supposed to explain that? I couldn't, and being upset over apparently, 'nothing' wasn't exactly as viewed as 'normal' or 'okay.' Out came the lies.
At the crux of it this is exactly where my lies came from too. I was a really overwhelming urge to normalise my pain in a way that I would get the help I needed without pushback.Out of interest did those in your life know about the lies? Did you have to admit them to get past them or did you just push past them and leave them in the past?
I see, fair enough. Most of mine were to people I cant really burn bridges with, at least not lies I care about at least, mostly just lies to work about needed a day off when I was having a meltdown day and that sort of thing.
It sometimes hurts to think about as not everything I ever said was a lie, but obviously, I lied enough that they would believe anything I said?
This is one of my worries about telling everyone. The vast majority of everything I said was true and even the lies were a cover for a true pain or need for protection but I feel like as soon as they know they'll doubt everything I say going forward. My current thought is to make them a promise that also helps me once I tell them, and that's if I lie by instinct to protect myself, when I realise it after the fast I will tell them I did it. That way they know im being truthful even if I lie (bit of an oxymoron but im sure you know what I mean), and I will have a get out of guilt escape clause.
Some of my lies were found out without me telling, lost any 'friends' I had. I say 'friends' like that because I always struggled to keep and make friends regardless of lies; the lies just ended up making it even more of a problem. Other lies those people may still believe I don't know because I burned bridges, and most of the people I told lies to are no longer in my life. I suspect most of them will view me as a person who was a pathological liar and probably don't consider anything I'd ever said to be true. It sometimes hurts to think about as not everything I ever said was a lie, but obviously, I lied enough that they would believe anything I said? Sometimes I think about it and feel guilty, though.