Do you Internalise or Mask or both ?

I'm working on it :) I have a small group of friends who have been a great support over the winter. They live a long way away each of them, so this Spring/Summer, I'm working on finding a group of friends within travelling distance.

It takes a lot of energy for some of us to establish a new friends group, especially at the current time - but I guess I have a natural drive to be social, which helps :) 

I've been happily pestering the local Mind organisation here about adding me to the opportunities that are going at the moment - volunteering, digital support, outdoor activity groups. That's starting to help. I'm also pushing myself a touch to be bold and to keep communicating, invite people to meet up (if they wish) and stuff like that. Trying to give myself plenty of opportunity of getting two or three friends going in the county I'm in.

I agree with you Plastic. I write a lot of comedy and this 'fitting in' whether conscious or unconscious, is what drives the vast majority of situational comedy. It also provides the fatal character flaw for so many of our best loved comedic characters.

In fact, the whole genre of farce is based characters entering a new situation attempting to blend in by covering up (or mask) some aspect of their character. The comedy escalates as they fail and are forced to go to extremes. 

I think NTs seem to reach a point where they are comfortable with people and can be themselves, even if they hold back some of what they think because they recognise it may hurt or offend. 

I feel like I spend life playing different characters. Even at home I think I mask because I'm rarely alone due to having a husband and children, and they have expectations of me that should be relatively straight forward to fill, like showing love to my children, but they are still tasks I find difficult to honestly fulfil without being to the detriment of myself. 

Hi Hook,

I find it fascinating. I remember you mentioned it before.

I'm inclined to think that what you describe in yourself is common to most people (I think) to some degree. They all make micro adjustments to their behaviour (and/or language) in order to blend in with the environment they find themselves in. It's a basic evolutionary survival strategy, going back to ancient times, when standing out too much could make us a moving target, or worse—some hungry beastie's dinner!

I see it a lot in people, this adaptive behaviour, and it ranges from the very common 'putting on a phone voice' to the more severe 'taking on the views, mannerisms and speech patterns of our partner/significant other'. 

There's a very strong biological aspect to this too. My sisters all tell me that their menstrual cycles sync up with other females they live with and it's not a conscious decision on their part, it's something the body does naturally.

What I am inclined to think, though, is that as neurodivergents we're more aware of doing it than NTs; we do it consciously—perhaps to a greater extent over longer period—hence the reason it exhausts us. Whereas, for the most part, NTs are unaware of doing it until someone points it out to them. And they do it for shorter periods.

I dunno. It's a fascinating subject at any rate.

It is simply the truth  

That's a good point, actually. Perhaps we neurodivergents are more aware of doing it.  Although, everyone can spot when someone else is doing it. And it makes us cringe and laugh in equal measure. That's the premise (or character flaw) of many of the great comedic characters. Think of Hyacinth Bucket (Keeping Up Appearances). Her entire characterisation is based upon a series of ever increasing failed attempts to mask.

This made ma laugh out loud, Hook. Thank you x

I do both. I used to be a very heavy masker in my 'old life' pre-diagnosis, it didn't go well because I am not very good at it. These days I have very limited social interaction, I don't mask with my close friends, but in the rare occasions where I have to meet neurotypicals I don't know, I automatically start masking - it's a fear based response.

I tend to internalise until such a point where I have a massive meltdown followed by a depressive episode.

In my experience, females tend to mask more, and males tend to be more open with their autism, because eccentric behaviour is more socially acceptable in males.

My knitting

Hi Michael, 

I haven't mentioned Autism specifically but I agree with you that everyone does it though I would say, as with most things, Autistic people feel it to a greater extent and are probably more aware of it as NT's may not even know they do it at all.

I think your inclinations are so right. It's absolutely exhausting and we would definitely benefit from a support/friend network. 

I sympathise with you. It must be very difficult to just be yourself and even more so as we tend to analyse and categorise to the extreme which can be so unhealthy. Do you have a support/friend network ?

M said:

I have no sense of who I am in my likes and dislikes because I take on the likes of the people that I like. 

Lots of people are chameleons to fit a social expectation - but what do you do when you're on your own?

Yes - understand yourself as early as possible and take a life path that makes you happy - regardless of earning potential or criticism - or you will struggle your whole life. 

I think we definitely do. I change who I am so frequently and sometimes in the same day, to the extent that I don't know who I am. I have moved around a bit and I've changed my accent to blend in. I have no sense of who I am in my likes and dislikes because I take on the likes of the people that I like. 

You are right that everyone masks, especially when meeting new people, but I think autistic people mask to the detriment of their own mental wellbeing. I do anyway. 

Hi Turtle,

I'm not sure if I agree with this whole concept of masking as something specific to autism. For me, masking, as it is usually described, is probably something that is common to all humans. Everyone does it to a lesser or greater extent; concealing one's emotions or portraying oneself as someone different in order to be accepted and avoid rejection, seems a pretty common trait in all people regardless of their age, creed or disability.  Do some people do it more than others? Definitely. Do autistic people do it more than non-autistic people? I don't know. 

I'm sorry to hear that. Do you have any advice for others ?

Maybe I have it the other way around then. Going by this thread, there seems to be quite a few who do both. Would you say then that females try harder to fit in ? 

I definitely do both. I've always read that women mask more than men and that's why they're less obviously autistic than male. 

I am extremely aware of my masking since my diagnosis and I'm feeling really tired of having nobody to say it aloud to who will understand. Typing it still feels internalised to me, even though your responses are external. The lack of identity behind the usernames doesn't make me feel less alone in this journey really. 

I think post-diagnosis it would be really useful to have a peer support network. I think there may be a social group in my area but covid has impacted on that and I don't know if it is operating online. It is one of my questions for my follow up appointment on Friday. 

Interaction is so exhausting for me. It doesn't surprise me at all that so many autistic people are unemployed or underemployed. 

I'm male at birth but feel rather more non-binary/androgynous than male at heart - so ... analyse/categorise this as best one can

I also both internalise and mask.

I definitely do the 'copy and paste' thing of working out how people respond and doing my best to fit in, within reason. I don't mind being a bit different at times - situations depending. If I need to mask to protect myself from danger (rough neighbourhoods and all that), I'll definitely mask, for example. At work, I'll try and mask a fair old bit (a lot?).

At home, I internalise a lot. I have loads of self-harm scars from lots of internalisation. I'll also try and ensure I process things internally and try to understand things to find peace. Which I would call a kind of internalisation(?)

There are a fair heap of guys I know (particularly from uni time) who internalised and self-harmed, so I wouldn't think it's a female-only thing.