I'm in a Right Mess Trying to Start a Relationship

I'm in a right mess trying to start a relationship, don't know what to do, and having a right autistic need for control of the situation as a result and going round in circles obsessed with trying to decide what to do.

(Normally all I can do is analyse and problem solve a situation, but instead here I'm goning to try and be vulnerable and just "spill my guts.")

I'm male and gay. 2.5 years ago I met a great guy, but who I was pretty sure was  in the closet. I've had bad times in this scenario before so I tried avoiding him for a few months. Then he managed to hook me into hanging out. We had loads and loads of fun, I've never felt so at ease, so safe, so cared for. Turned out eventualky he had a girlfriend, so with a clear boundary I just revelled in the friendship. We got very intimate and told each other all our secrets. Over the first six months he'd be very flirty, but I couldn't make sense what the hell was going on. Now I've read about autism and flirting and not being able to understand contradictory information I get why I was so confused. I'm also 100% certain he's autistic, though no idea if he knows he does, though I know people spot it and my guess is he got bullied about it at scHool. So i guess he was equally confused by me.

Now I see we had loads of miscommunication, and him making two clear moves on me that I shutdown on out of confusion (he hadn't said anything about being interested in men, and he still had a girlfriend). 8 months ago I finally told him by letter, he replied in a shutdown way saying he needed time. We agreed to have a break from each other whilst he sorted his *** out. Two weeks later he'd split up from his girlfriend. She struggled to move out, then lockdown happened and got trapped there. Apparently he got in a right depressed mood.

She moved out in June. After a break I got in touch and we swapped some nice messages which were light and fun. He said he'd pop round, but he never did. In Sept Iwrote him another letter and spelled it out clearly. If he wanted a relationship he should text and ask me for a chat, if he wanted a friendship he should text and ask me for a run. If now wasn't the right time for re-engaging then he could let me kbow that. He asked me for a chat. He swapped some nice fun texts but I was away. We arranged to meet the week after when I got back, then he went super quiet suddenly.

Turned out his girlfriend, presumably by coincidence, had gone round and given him a earful about me being the reason they'd split up. She was so angry with me that the friend who told me said he couldn't hang out with me for a few months in case she found out. So I can imagine it was full on. The friend is too cautious to tell me what he knows, grr.

We did meet, he said he didn't want a romantic relationship. He was in full autism shutdown, looked wretched like he was ginna cry and be sick at the same time. He didn't say anything else, except did get animated when he acknowledged his ex hated me but this would be less important now in time that she had a new boyfriend. He texted the next day and asked me for a run the next day. We had a lovely time like the old days. So I got mixed messages from him.  I thought I just had to sit it out whilst he regained some confidence and distance from his ex.

Now he's been quiet again. He can do that though when things are good, he doesn't get I might want contact. He quarantined due to covid. I'm gonna text to meet again. But I'm struggling with the ups and downs. I dunno whether he'll ever make it. A few people I've told are all clear I need to just give him 2-3 months. But it's hard sticking my neck out all the time. And hard to know whether to give him space (it's mostly always been me who initiates stuff), try and see him regular and let things take their course, or write again and suggest what I think he needs to do. I'm sure he feels trapped by the lies he's told his ex, but I know her and I'm sure if he said someting lije "yes, you're right, i was in a mess and got a lot of stuff wrong ... ," she'd come round quickly. It's also hard cos I know how much I've misread him before thinking he was pulling away only to discover he'd thought i'd pulled away.

Grr, it's hard. Coming out is so scary I can see him running away. But given the bond between us I can see we'll eventually get there. I'm just going mad not knowing what to do!