Published on 12, July, 2020
Hello,
I’m hoping for some guidance as I try to understand more about my partner and his condition.
My partner has been told he’s autistic by professionals but has chosen not to seek any help. He’s a wonderful man and we have been together 3 years and have a child together. He struggles on a daily basis with his autism (has difficulty adjusting to new situations and changes in routine) and he has opened up very little to anyone that he has autism and therefore gets no support and along with that I have little support when things go wrong.
The difficulty I’m experiencing is his anger. Very trivial things will make him escalate very quickly to extreme anger which results in him raising his voice, swearing and hitting things (not me but objects). Along with this it often results in him shutting down and not talking to me for hours if not days and/or threatening to leave. At times he is threatening with ultimatums but he genuinely doesn’t seem to see that this is not acceptable behaviour and he often will only consider calming down if I apologise. Often this starts from very minor points like changing the plans of the day or a minor comment I barely even register myself.
I don’t want to sound like I’m criticising my partner as he is a wonderful and accomplished man when not behaving this way. The struggle is he has no bar on his anger, even when other people can hear or our children are home (we have two older children separately).
I’m trying hard to ignore some of the behaviour to prevent these mood swings but in that I’m losing a little of my own self which isn’t the solution. Does anyone else encounter this with their autistic partner and how do they deal with it? Are there any techniques anyone can suggest to diffuse the situation? The anger tends to come on so quickly that I get caught out and then he’s unable to talk through the situation. Any help would be appreciated as I want to support him and help out relationship,
thank you
Hi there!
I would look into the low arousal approach - it a geared towards children but is certainly applicable to supporting autistic adults in meltdown too.
How do the children in the household feel to witness his anger? Whilst you are an adult who can choose to be around that behaviour, children do not get such a choice and the impact on them also needs to be considered I feel.
I am concerned about his unwillingness to calm down until you have apologised and his refusal to accept help. Ultimately, his autism should be preclude him from understanding the impact his rage has on you and the children. In my view, he has a duty to seek help to better manage his difficulties so that you and your collective children do not bear the brunt of his meltdowns. I am female and autistic and I certainly would not expect my neurotypical partner to tolerate that sort of behaviour indefinitely whilst I refused any help offered. There have certainly been times when I have been less that ideal as a partner as a result of the anxiety I experience linked to my autism; one of the primary motivations for addressing my anxiety was out of love for my partner and not wanting him to have to live with the impacts of that indefinitely. He would never leave me I feel, no matter what I did or how unwell I was, but I love him and so want to make sure our life together is as happy as it can be.
Hi, thank you so much for your reply as you’ve given me a different perspective. I’m really hoping I can get him to co operate reading these replies to see that we both need to approach things differently and your comment about wanting to get help is something I do think is a good perspective.
I agree regarding the children and it’s difficult to convey to them when he won’t discuss his condition. I’m worried they will either a) think this behaviour is acceptable (none of our children are autistic) or b) resent how he behaves towards me. To be clear he has never shown anger towards or purposefully in front of the children, but inevitably they can hear him and what’s said sometimes. I do feel that we are bearing the brunt of his anxiety. He is reluctant to open up as he believes it ends up an argument and that I don’t support him. I am very frustrated by this as he is blind to the support I do give him and because he won’t get help he’s very much on the path of a like it or lump it attitude. Hopefully I can encourage him to be as brave as you as I know this will be an ongoing journey, for me too as clearly I need to change my behaviour to help him x
NAS68016 said:I am very frustrated by this as he is blind to the support I do give him and because he won’t get help he’s very much on the path of a like it or lump it attitude.
He's not understanding himself - his mask is too rigid - he relies on it so much that he can't see any other way of thinking as it has served him so well all these years. He needs to have an epiphany moment where he realises that his responses to simple things are different to the other 90% of the world and he needs to learn about the way his brain works. Then he can move forward with working out strategies for his well-being - and yours.
He’s reflective. As far as I know he has yet to have one moment of realisation but after these episodes we talk about what’s happened and he often finds it easier to disassociate by using other people and third parties in the same situation rather than us to discuss what’s happened and the outcome. I can’t pretend I don’t find this hard as I’m just wired differently and I find you lose the impact of what’s happened but I’m trying to understand and make it easier for him. It’s just hard when you’re in the moment and there’s no reasoning. I do appreciate your help