Published on 12, July, 2020
Good afternoon.
My name is Ian.
My partner has lived for many years with what she was told was rapid cycle bipolar.
Fairly recently she went for a test for autism and had it confirmed she is in fact autistic.
This seems to of caused a huge change in her for some obvious reasons, and some not so.
As her partner, I have been unable to cope with what seems like a vast change in my partner’s behaviour.
She has always had ups and downs, mood swings and can be very unpredictable.
For what ever reason though, prior to the autism diagnosis, these issues were managed slightly better.
Now though, it seems as the levels have gone through the roof.
To give you an example. The other day I was told how lucky she was to have me in my life and how supportive I am. Then, later that day after a minor argument / disagreement, I was told that she wants me out of her life, wants to split up and I have to move out, and she will call the police to do this.
This is still the current status of our relationship.
Now, the week prior to all this was quite a stressful one for her. She had her grandson up for a week, plus two of her own children’s birthdays as well. All obviously highly sensory stimulating scenarios at the best of times.
We got through the birthdays ok considering, but they obviously took their toll a bit. A few days prior to her grandson being taken back home by my partner, she told me that there is a high chance she is going to crash and go into a meltdown upon her return. I thanked her for telling me how she felt, as it made life a lot easier than trying to guess what is going on as is normally the case. Then the two comments came on the same day about how thankful she was, the that she wants me out of her life for good. It seemed to me the crash / meltdown had already started. I tried to reason with her, talk with her, and unfortunately ended up getting so frustrated with being told to leave, that I snapped back. Unfortunately I get told to leave at least twice a month. However, this one is the worst I’ve seen, and I’m seriously concerned about my partners state of mind and how I can help / cope better than I am for her as much as myself.
since being diagnosed with autism, I totally understand it has raised big questions for my partner, and that there is now a whole new spectrum of things to learn about.
Part of the trouble I’m now finding though, is my partner has taken the approach that the autism is what makes her what she is, therefore has none to little control, therefore myself and anyone else has to deal with it, and anything that happens is someone else’s fault (usually mine). There now seems to be absolutely no sign of comprehension that any her behaviour still leave a mark, can still hurt a lot, and that can result in a reaction from the person on the receiving end of any cutting comments or questionable behaviours.
How do I as a partner address these sort of issues with my partner? How is a productive way to move through any issue my partner may be experiencing, or myself, without falling out or making things worse?
For all the want in the world, dealing with an autistic person is tough and at times, the wheels fall off when you get days or weeks of having to deal with a new dynamic from minute to minute at any given time.
I have very little experience in all this, so, truly, any info from both sides of a relationship would be great to hear from.
As an added bonus, I also have been suffering from anxiety, stress and depression for a few years now, but am getting help. That also can play a huge part in my ability to be understanding or tolerant, which in turn without doubt can influence how things go.
And, as an added extra bonus, my partner is also going through the menopause, just to really help make things tough for her (and me).
Thank you in advance for any replies.
Seriously, I may not be able to reply if I do get kicked out, so please don’t think I’m being rude.
kind regards.
Ian
Hi, i myself am a female self-diagnosed aspie middle aged woman.
I can totally relate to this. I found 2 key ideas: highly sensory stimulating and menopause.
If you really love her the way she is, you will get this: highly sensory issues. I can't explain how does it feel for an autistic person. It's overwhelming. It doesn't mean she doesn't love you, it just means she has to be able to control her place. And menopause? Well, i have no words to explain. I'm 49...
I can mask my social behaviour, i can mask my hiperfocus but masking my sensory issues? That's really hard/impossible for me.
If you love her you'll have to deal with her sensory issues mixed with menopause. It's not easy but it's just a bad period in time. It shall pass.
Hi Bluemoon. I did reply to you last night on this and thanking you for a really helpful post. Unfortunately though it seems to of not gone on here.
I am willing to do whatever I can to help and learn. Unfortunately though, my partner doesn’t feel the same right now.
Since the autism diagnosis, she has had her world flipped upside down, of that there was no denying.
The subsequent stresses, questions and unknowns that came about from that day really did (and I fully understand why) changed her. In the past, the issue of being told to leave has happened, but we normally worked through it, albeit difficult at times. This was all being done within the boundaries of rapid cycle bipolar, and not autism. Nothing really ever seemed to work, and I sort of see why now, as the ‘problems’ weren’t problems at all, they were my partner, simple as that. That knowledge has totally changed my outlook on things, but, it’s just to late.
This time around, there is something different about my partners approach to wanting to split. There is what feels like a lot more venom in it. I can imagine why with what’s gone on and possibly being very confused and angry right now, but, I think this genuinely is us over. I’m absolutely devastated tbh. She was the love of my life, even if we did have troubles.
The best I can hope for now is that she gets the right support and information to make her life get to a place she is comfortable and happy. I’d love to be there to hold her hand through it all and get through the ups and downs that no doubt will happen, but, not be it seems.
No matter what, thank you for your post. It genuinely helps me learn things I just don’t get or understand at times.